boyfriend's trouble in bed
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boyfriend's trouble in bed
| Sat, 05-27-2006 - 1:17am |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3.5 years, and have never had any problems sex-wise. We are both 20. We've been having sex for about 2 years, and we go to school half way across the country from each other, so we only get to see each other on school breaks. Needless to say, when we see eachother, for the first couple of days at least, it's pretty much non-stop sex. Recently, he's been having some trouble keeping it up. We'll have sex, and then anywhere from an hour to 2-3 hours later, we'll try again, and he either can't get it up or it won't stay up. I don't mind, but it really bothers him, to the point of him leaving my house early because he was so embarassed. I know this is not common for 20 year olds, and I was wondering if anyone had any other explanations for why this is suddenly happening, and also if there is anything I can do to either help it not happen again, or help him not feel so embarrassed about it. He said that he knows I don't care and nothing I say will change the way he feels, but I feel that there has to be something, but then again I don't know. Any help in any of these areas would be MUCH appreciated. I am going on a short vacation this weekend, so I'm hoping that maybe a few days away from each other will help him get over it a little. Thanks so much in advance.

Him not being able to get another erection after 2 or 3 hours is not abnormal and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him.
First of all, there is NOTHING you can do to "fix" the problem. His erections are up to him. As Tish said, this has nothing to do with age, except for the fact that 20 year old guys don't USUALLY have physical problems with ED. Chances are, this is an emotional/mental problem, maybe something so simple as a "self fulfilling prophecy". EVERY guy has an occasional problem, and if it happened to him once, he could be worrying about it to the point that he's actually causing it to happen. It's not much different than a female worrying about whether or not she'll have an orgasm. The more she worries, the less likely it will happen for her.
You can't really make him feel less "embarassed" about it either. You might try explaining to him that it's not unusual for any guy to have this problem occasionally. Also, as Tish said, just don't go for seconds!!!
If he had this problem the first time around, it might be more serious....but just because he can't go for seconds SOMETIMES, it's not the end of the world.
If not being able to get or maintain an erection embarrasses him that much, then it's really not at all surprising that he's been having problems with that. Problems with erections occur for either biological or psychological reasons. And probably the most common psychological reason is nervousness about whether or not it will happen. Our bodies are designed so that when we're feeling nervous, the blood is flowing to the muscles that we will need to use to run away from danger (or attack it), what's known as the "fight or flight response". Unfortunately, a lot of guys feel embarrassed about not having gotten an erection, and then they start to worry that it could happen again, which causes it to happen again, which causes them to worry even more next time, which sets in motion a whole downward spiral.
Ideally, your boyfriend needs to stop just worrying about this and learn to feel comfortable with it. But telling yourself to stop worrying isn't always as easy as just doing it. I would suggest just focusing on other things such as cuddling and relaxing in each other's arms instead of thinking about his erections. And keep reassuring him that you don't care and it's not a big deal. It sounds like in his mind, he has built this up as him having some weird disorder. When in reality, not being up for sex after you just did a couple of hours ago, or getting yourself caught up in a viscious cycle of worrying about whether you'll be aroused enough, are just normal, common things that happen to people of all ages much more than you would probably think.
There's nothing wrong with him, and he shouldn't be getting embarrassed about this.
Yeah, people *say* that a 20yo should be able to get it up again within 2-3 hours but everyone is different and there are SO many factors that affect this that you really *can't* just say "a twenty year old will be able to have an erection every 2-3 hours".
A difference in age of three years from 17yo to 20yo will have a bit of an effect, the relationship has bedded in and your familiar with one another - that will have a bit of an effect too. He will have gotten a bit more used to having sex in a general way and it won't be quite as "exciting" as it was three years ago (I'm not saying that he doens't enjoy it, you just get a bit more used to having sex and you don't have the same 'urgency' that you did when it was all new to you). Then he might be a bit more stressed at the moment with study or work or family life... Combine that with the lots of sex that he is already having and his body is just saying "Hang on. I need a little longer to rest up here".
There are so many mental and physical things that add up to mean that instead of three hours rest, he might need three and a half. This isn't anything that you or him should be getting too worried about. It's a shame that he's getting so upset about it. Perhaps you can spin things out a bit and give him a bit longer to recouperate next time?
I think it is perfectly normal for him to
a) be embarrassed (he is young and media tells him he should go 6 times a day, no problem)
b) not getting up in 2-3 hours (some men can get it up in 20 minutes, others half a day).
If you really want to know if it is psychological or biological, just do a simple experiement. First, dont try having sex twice in a short time period for a few weeks. Give him time to "forget" the incident. After that, just try having sex twice in a day (once in the morning and once at night, i.e. 12 hours apart). Then try having sex 6-8 hours apart. I am guessing he will be able to get it up in both situations. If he does, but still cant after 2 hours, then it is more physical than psychological in my opinion (although the two are somewhat linked).