Breast cancer
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| Mon, 12-13-2004 - 11:51am |
Hi All,
I need some help. I know that this isn't really a sex question, but I have listened to many of you regulars here and I trust you.
My beloved wife of seventeen years has a lump in her breast. She has cystic breasts and so we were not initially concerned about it, but after her mammogram, followed by ultrasound the doctors have recommended a needle biopsy. They say that it could still be a cyst. If it drains it is no problem, but if it doesn't, they will use a bigger needle to do a biopsy and then let us know what they find.
I am terrified of her being sick...I don't know what I would do without her, she is not just my wife, but my lover and closest of friends. I just lost my 64 year old mother to cancer in March. I watched her battle it for ten years; I took turns with my sister, my wife and my stepdad nursing her. It was hard to lose her. I don't know if I should tell her how frightened I am. I'm so supposed to be the big tough man here, I'm supposed to be the one for her to lean on, but I feel like I'm falling apart. I have listened to her and know she's afraid, I've told her that we will face whatever this is together (I pray that it's nothing), but I also wonder if I should tell her how I feel or just suck it up.
If there are any of you out there that have been through this, what would you want?
Logically, I know that the facts aren't even in...the odds are this is nothing, but it doesn't feel that way. I am frightened.
THanks in advance.
Scott.

First (((hugs))) to you and your wife.
Dear Tish,
Thank you so much for your message, prayers and support, they mean so much.
I will keep you posted on the biopsy. If it is all clear it will be a wonderful Christmas present.
Love to you and your family.
Scott.
Dear scott,
I am mostly a lurker on this board but felt compelled to respond. I have seen your responses to many questions and these always seem so thoughtful and phrased in such a nice, non-confrontational way...
I have a dear friend from college who was diagnosed w/ breast cancer at the age of 32. Her boyfriend (now her husband) actually discovered the lump. I do remember very well her telling me how they often cried together and how that was such a good thing. She is now 44 and in perfect health all these years, following a lumpectomy and radiation treatment.
Like you I have also been married 17 years to my best friend. I know if something were to happen to me I would want my husband to share his feelings too. I know what his feelings would be --surely much like yours--but it also would be good to hear in words how much he cares.
So I guess I would say--you don't need to hold it all in. I wish you all the best.
Wow! I feel for you and your wife.
Although I haven't been affected by this in my family, one of the women that worked for me went through this same thing just recently and I helped support her as best I could at the time. She was lucky too, it was benign.
She'll know that you are scared. I don't think that you have to pretend that you are unaffected by this, solid, and unflinching with feeling strong emotions. I think that you can share how scared you are with your wife, but at the same time, you can reassure her that you are there for her and will help to support her throughout this. Can you talk with your family as well? Your wife doesn't need to go through this alone and neither do you. It affects you all and hopefully all of you can support one another. Be strong, but don't think that you have to just 'suck it up' and act like it isn't something that affects you. Talk to your wife, talk to your family, the Doctors, allow yourself to feel the emotions when you need to. Don't hold it in and force it down all the time.
As you say, the facts aren't in yet. Just deal with each thing little bit by little bit. It's frustrating and frightening when you aren't in control of something like this. The feelings of powerlessness are horrible. Just remember to take it piece by piece.
Good luck and best wishes for the biopsy. Fingers are crossed for you.
Dear Scott and Mrs. Scott......I've been there, and I know what you're both going thru. You know the odds are very much in your favor....but you're human, and you can't help but be scared, and so is she. I'm supposed to be "tough" and I knew the odds were so much in my favor, but of course I couldn't help but dwell on "what if". I told very few people how scared I was! A year later, it was a mysterious "something" on an ovary...and the doctors wouldn't even guess until they had it out of me. That was even worse, and scarier, because ovarian cancer is still a killer. I was so worried about that one that somehow I pulled myself out of the anesthetic while I was still on the operating table, with a tube down my throat so I couldn't talk! But the doctor could read my eyes, and gave me a thumbs up! I went back to sleep a VERY happy camper.
You don't have to be "tough" for her....in fact, if it was me, I'd want a shoulder to cry on, and wouldn't want you to be Mr.Tough Guy! You could cry on my shoulder, too! This may affect HER body, but it affects both of you. YOu can be just as scared as she is, but still "be there" for her.
If, God forbid it turns out positive.....remember that Breast Cancer is totally curable, thanks to mammograms, and early detection. There's also a new drug out for "after" that replaces Tamoxofin......and has a much better track record.
Hang in there, and keep us posted!
Yes, yes, yes, by all means, share your fears and thoughts. Let her know how terribly worried you are. You don't have to be the strong silent partner, she needs to know what you're thinking too. Both of you share it all.
Last spring I found a lump under my arm. When I went to my doc, she felt it and immediately scheduled me for a mammogram and ultrasound and said "When you go home, call this surgeon and set up an appt with her. That way you'll have the appt that much sooner if you need it." It was enlarged lymph nodes and the surgeon agreed with my GYN that they should come out immediately for biopsy. I had my first ever surgery in May - and the biopsy came back clear. But I think DH was more worried than I was - I figured I wouldn't worry about it until I knew I had something to worry about. When he took time off work to go to every appt with me, I knew he was worried. And I felt good that he was so concerned about me.
I know a lot of women that have had lumps that turned out to be nothing. The good thing is, your DW didn't delay in getting it checked. Odds are getting better every year for women diagnosed with breast cancer, with early detection and diagnostics, and treatment. Please keep up posted. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Hi Everybody:
My Mom went thru the procedures for breast cancer 25 years ago.
Hi All,
Thanks for your responses, they really mean a lot. I have been away on business and have not had a chance to read them. Today I did.
She is having the test on Friday and I am worried, but I think we have things under control.
Thanks so much for the wonderful advice.
Love,
Scott.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your wife on Friday.
Scott - focus on the positive. Read and research breast cancer.
On June 26, 2001, I had surgery for testicular cancer. On June 25, 2002, my wife had her last radiation treatment for breast cancer. That's right - within 1 year we were both diagnosed and completed treatment. It was scary, but it had a way of sharpening our focus on life and the really important things.
We are both cancer free. When I make it to August 24, 2006, I will be 5 years past my last treatment. We are the poster kids for early detection. Cancer is not the death sentence that it once was. We both believe in being vigilant about our health, and diligent about doing all the right things.
Be brave. Be scared, but don't let it overpower you. Be grateful. Life is good. You can do this. Your wife can do this. You and your wife are tougher than either of you could ever imagine, and you will know it after this is behind you.