Can he handel the truth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Can he handel the truth
10
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:14pm
Hi Lades, I have been reading these boards over the last couple of weeks and love the genuine caring that seems to be here. I have never posted before but have a bit of a dilemma that I have not seen covered specifically that is. My Husband of 7 years has been less that interested in sex and when I asked him about his lack of desire, his reply was that is has become boring. I assure you he is not bored! After further questioning, he admitted I felt loose to him and he is not staying stimulated. I am in good shape and work out every day, I could increase the Kegals but have a feeling I know what the problem is. I do masturbate frequently usually with toys. I really hate the idea of giving them up mostly because there the only way I can orgasm, is to stretch her out a bit. I hate the idea of DH thinking I am just a worn out hole and would like to include him but believe he will think I am a freak when he sees what really goes on. Do you share ALL that goes on with your SO ?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:27pm
Welcome to the board. I can assure you that problems such as yours have been covered on this board before!

I seriously doubt that your toys have stretched out your vagina to the extent that he can't feel anything anymore. The vagina is elastic enough to accomodate a large baby and then return to it's original size. Maybe something else is going on in the relationship. Maybe he's found your toys and feels insecure. It's also possible that he's having erection problems so he's not getting enough stimulation because of that.

I think you need to talk with him, explain that you need some vaginal pressure to become aroused and orgasm and see what you can come up with together. There are positions and techniques that could help.

Whether you discuss your toys is up to you but I think it would be a good idea.


Edited 6/23/2004 4:18 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:54pm
hello

have you ever tried to tell him how to do things differently, things that will make you orgasm? (im a virgin, but ive been reading these polls and advice for a year now and pulling in all that i have read and giving it to you). As the other poll said there are various sex positions you can try... if you havent all ready. I think that if you tell your husband how to better please you then he should be glad to comply.... after all he is your husband.... have you ever gone through the kama sutra? (or however it is spelled)

Also if it helps, my bf and i have been physical for quite some time, and even still when he is fingering me (still a virgin) i tell him what i like, what i find uncomforatable, and when im close to orgasm so he will keep the same rhythm or i will ask him to change it. that's all up to you. personally i was shy and embarassed to talk about such things but ive overcome that just recently.. you can read my last polls on this board if you want. I found that after i shared these things with him, he now asks me how i feel, if he should change whatever he's doing, and he used to close his eyes while doing this to me/for me so he could concentrate on feeling me, and now he watches all my expressions and movements......... i dont know if that is relavant... but i thought you might like to know that........ hope i helped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:31pm
Toys don't "stretch you out" anymore than his penis does, or anymore than having a baby does. When you're in the midst of sex, your vagina relaxes. When you're done, it closes up tight again, till the next time you're aroused. What may be happening is that over the years you've learned to relax more during sex, and you get aroused and well lubricated more easily.

If he feels bored, then ask him what he'd like to do to make it more exciting! People can be married for 50 years, and still find sex exciting, because they do different things, and try new things from time to time.

As for whether he can handle the "truth" or not, only you know that. You know how open he is to new things, or how conservative he is about sex. It's sad that you feel you have to "hide" masturbation from him. Maybe if you told him, he'd find THAT exciting, but again, only you can guess how he'd react to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 7:14pm
Thanks, I think you are on to something with the relaxation. I have been thinking about this all day. I guess I can get lazy, that's why I have preferred the toys lately, I can just lay back and relax.

He tries to make some big elaborate sex session like he is a supper hero or something. lol. Thanks again. I have decided to put away the toys and not bring them up. I know he would be crushed if he ever found them. There is always the shower :}
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:48am
>>I can just lay back and relax.

He tries to make some big elaborate sex session like he is a supper hero or something.<<

That would have to be THE Number One complaint that men have about women in bed.

"She just lies there doing nothing!"

I hope that you do not 'just lie there' and do take a more active role. Most men prefer a woman that is both interesting and interested in bed, and actively plays a part in the lovemaking. Look at it from his point of view - he likes varied and interesting sex and tries lots of different things in bed (big elaborate sex session). Imagine how frustrating it must be for him if you are not interested and not responding?

Sharing the use of the toys is up to you but many men find it very arousing using them during lovemaking. However many men can find the use of large toys intimidating. You know him best and say he would be crushed if he found them. But then he may not be if you approach it in the right way.

If he truely does not know about the vibrators you have, perhaps you could introduce the idea to him by suggesting that the TWO of you shop for a vibrator because you "thought that it might spice things up a little". If he is bored as he says he is he might be very happy to see you interested in sex and variety. Buy a normal sized one and then after a period of time you could suggest buying another, larger, one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:18am
Trish I hear this a lot from couples that are in the 5-7 year range. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have found this comes and goes. My wife also understands this and has found it best to let me be me. (Usually a ass!) He is probably just tired or depresed neither one of them can you fix. Don't make to big of deal out of his lack of interest (or insults :( For now just relax (you seem to be good at that) and see what develops. As for the toys, I do feel they do loosen a girl up if there is no recovery time. I have also been told this by a buddy of mine. Just my 2c
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:27am

First and foremost, it sounds to me like you're in the "7 year slump". Lots of couples reach a point where the novelty wears off, petty annoyances become a bigger deal, and you each take the other for granted. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that the real problem here is that the two of you are just out of sync.


That said, I have a couple of thoughts:


1) Unless you're using the big toys daily and right before you have sex, its a little hard to imagine that they really change anything he feels. My own DW has a HUGE toy she loves, and we play around with fisting

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 9:31pm
Thank you all. Things got really bad last night. I had plans for a nice diner and move, he wolfed down the food and went out to the garage to work on his Harley. Some friends showed up and he spent the entire night drinking, when he finley came into bed he was very drunk and stinky. I pretended to be asleep, but he wanted sex, I know when he is like this there is no talking to him. I tried to enplane this is not what i had in mind and he started in, He called me every name in the book, told me I am just like my mother etc. I don't think this is the place to air this out but something has got to change He is just a mean man and I don't like him very much today. He will be gone this weekend (thank god)!! I am secretley hoping he crashes that dam bike. Thank you all again T.C.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 8:11am
Good advice martini, I agree!

Sara
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:28pm
Sounds like a jerk. Confused about why you chose him as your partner. I'd leave. Sex isn't your only problem.

Sara