Can I date them both? (sorry it's long)
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| Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:04am |
Hello,
Sorry for this, it is a long posting – please bear with me and give me your advice. I posted this on another board but really value the opinion of this board also.
I am wondering if I can (emotionally etc.) date 2 guys. I know it would not even be a question if I was not already intimately involved with one. Here is the history…
Guy 1 – met online via matchmaking service about a year and a half ago. We really hit it off and like each other a lot. The problem is that he lives about 2 hours away and he wanted to date someone closer to his home. I can understand and respect that, however he wanted to keep in touch with me – so we have – even when we were both dating other people we still talked on the phone about once a week.
Guy 2 – met him online this about 10 months ago (same service), he lives about ½ hour from my work place. We also hit it off and unfortunately I broke all of my rules with him – we were intimate faster than I was comfortable with (but since we continued to see each other I got over that) I also did not have that “what are you looking for” talk with him early on like I should have – my heart got involved very quickly. We continued to see each other but very very infrequently (due to his work hours, shared custody of his children etc.); sometimes only once a month. I did not date or see anyone else during this time and I don't think he was either. I really would like to see him more but it just does not seem to work out that way. Since I did not see (or hear from) him during the holiday I asked him (via email unfortunately) if he wanted to continue to see me. He said that he was not ready for a relationship but he did enjoy spending time with me and would like to continue to do so on occasion.
Problem – I am crazy about Guy 2 and am not quite sure I am ready to give him up yet. I really like Guy 1 also, he's become a good friend and we are comfortable with each other. And Guy 1 and I are more on the “same page” about what we are looking for (marriage, children etc.) and I can see me fitting into his life (and him into mine) quite well – whereas Guy 2 does not have a place for me in his...yet. Guy 1 has expressed interest in trying to date again. I get along well with both of them, am attracted to both of them so that’s not a problem.
Question – can I date them both? I have the feeling that I would only see Guy 2 very infrequently – even though Guy 1 is further away we would probably see each other more. But I do not know if I could only be intimate with Guy 2 if I see him so infrequently. To be honest I don’t even know if I could handle “being” with both of them at all, I am used to only dating one guy - this is the first time I've even thought about it. But if I am honest with them – let them know that I am seeing “other people” and don’t put them in harms way (sexually that is)…is it wrong? I think that eventually Guy 1 and I would become exclusive with each other but until that time can I see them both? What if Guy 2, faced with the possibility of us not seeing each other ever again wants to develop into a relationship? I certainly don't want to hurt anyone, be viewed as a sleaze but am a bit confused.
Wow…this really is long and I apologize but I thought it would be easier for you all if you had the history. Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any feedback you can give me.

You're not in an exclusive, serious
As long as it's not an exclusive relationship, and you make it clear you are seeing other people, and practise safe sex, then there is nothing wrong with seeing both. If things change with one of them, and things become exclusive, then I advise that you are sure that neither of you are just assuming you have, and that you have talked about it.
I had this problem a few months ago. I'd been seeing someone in an FWB relationship. We had made it clear from the beginning that we weren't looking for anything serious. But both of us developed feelings for one another. However, we never discussed anything changing, he was talking about leaving town and starting over, so I just let things continue the way they were, assuming that he was happy with the arrangement. I saw someone else, so not to get caught up in my feelings for this other guy. Guy no. 1 found out about guy no. 2 and got upset, because he thought that with all the time we were spending together, the fact we got along so well, and he thought I felt the same, that we were in a relationship. This was when we sat down and talked about things, and I told him how I had seen the situation, which was totally different to his. We decided to try a relationship (which is who I am with now). Neither of us have ever been happier. But sometimes he thinks about me and this other guy (who he doesn't know and never met), and it upsets him. We regret not being totally honest with each other about our feelings, because we would have been together sooner, and this mess never would have happened.
So be very clear about your boundaries, and make it clear to both of them that if they want things to change, then they need to discuss it with you, and not make any assumptions.
Good luck
Jan
I think that you have to be open and honest with each of them. That means that they both know that another guy is in the picture. If you don't tell them about one another (not details of course, just that the other exists) then it's likely to get messy and nasty at some point.
Personally, I'd feel used if I knew that the woman I liked was continuing to see another guy - like I was just a booty call. While that may suit one of the guys just fine, it sounds like it's unlikely to suit both of them. And my feelings would say that guy #1 is unlikely to want to share his potential long-term mate with anyone-else.
I think that you have to choose. Your call though. If you don't tell them about one another then be prepared if it gets messy.