Can I handle it??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Can I handle it??
4
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:07pm
Hello all!
I’m wondering if there’s anyone out there who shares my views and feelings about sexual intimacy. Basically, I’m a 26 year old single woman who has only been in a few relationships. I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve had sex with; I was in a relationship with all but one of them. I’ve had this way of living and thinking where I choose not to be physically intimate with someone that I’m not with. I actually tried it once, and it didn’t turn out good for me. He developed strong feelings for me, and I didn’t have those feelings for him; however, because we had sex, I believed that I could force myself to have feelings for him. It didn’t work. So, now that I’m single again (I broke up with my BF about a two months ago), I’m wondering if I can just go out there, meet men, and “have fun”. In other words, if I meet a guy that I’m physically attracted to, and the attraction is mutual, I wonder if I have the courage to be intimate with him. Even if it’s just making out!!! I’ve never even made out with someone that I wasn’t in a relationship with! Is that weird?? This is coming up because I’ve recently met a guy. He’s come on to me and has made it clear that he’d like to at least kiss me. I’m sure he wants to do more than that!
The guy is really sexy! I don’t see him as a potential significant other; however, I’ve found myself wondering what it would be like to be intimate with him. We’ve been out on a date, and we’ve talked several times. I’ve even told him my views on sex, and he says that there’s nothing wrong with being physical to satisfy normal human urges. Anyway, I’m afraid that if I give in, I’ll be expecting a relationship with him, while he may not even have those feelings after the deed is done. How can I let him know that I’d be willing to kiss and touch without having sex?? This sounds so high school, huh?? I’ll be 27 years old in three weeks, and I sound like I’m in junior high?? LOL!!
Any advice would be appreciated!!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:31pm

Whether you're 27 or 47, we ALL have to decide our own personal boundaries when it comes to intimacy. It may be just fine for some women to have sex "just for fun" but if that doesn't work for you, why feel it's strange? It's not, believe me.

I think you MUST be honest about your thoughts with this guy though. IF he's just looking for some fun & thinks that it could complicate things to take it further with you, ending up with a Stage 3 Cling-On, HE might be the one to back out.

There's nothing wrong, IMO, with a little light make out session to determine if he's a long term relationship or just a fling. Whatever "fling" means to you though. Just be honest about what you're looking for.

There are plenty of people out there who don't feel comfortable sharing themselves so intimately just for fun though.




Edited 5/11/2006 1:41 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 3:07pm
I think so long as you're clear with him in the beginning that you're not looking for a relationship then there's nothing wrong with it. Go for it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 3:59pm

You tried intimacy without feelings, and it didn't work for you. What has changed since then?

You have your own morals, and your own feelings about intimacy. Now, because a guy comes along who wants sex with you, and you're lonely, you're thinking of doing it again. Why are you letting HIS views change your views? You see no potential in him, so why bother?

And yes, saying you're willing to "kiss and touch" without sex (THAT IS SEX!) is very high school. It's also called "teasing".....when you know full well that he wants SEX with you, not kissing and touching.

YOu may not believe in intimacy without feelings, but you're a typical woman, and you know that you'll develop feelings if you have sex with him. If you don't see him as relationship material, then why get involved, and then back off when things get too close?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:27pm

I was a little confused by your post. On one hand you talked about having a purely physical, sexual relationship with this guy and then you talked about "kissing and touching with no sex".

I don't think that you need to feel guilty about how you feel about sex and intimacy. There is nothing wrong or unusual about having only been intimate with a guy while in a relationship. Not all women (and not all guys either) have meaningless sex. In fact you'd probably be surprised at the number of people that have only had sex or been intimate in a normal relationship situation.

I also think that you might be thinking too hard about this situation and this new guy. You say that you've been out on a date and talked a lot with him but haven't been intimate yet. You are already starting to form a relationship of sorts with him so I don't think that it clearly falls under the category of meaningless sex. There is an intimacy being shared already and not a physical one. Does he only want sex? Has he said that he does *not* want a relationship?

I find your point of view a little confusing. After-all, it's *you* that is saying that you don't want a relationship with him, and if you don't want a relationship, what does it matter whether he wants one or not? I doubt that simply having sex with him will suddenly change you mind either. You might suffer from a false sense of obligation but sex isn't suddenly going to make you say "Oh, yes, I was wrong, he'd be a great partner".