Can I make him understand?
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| Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:40am |
My BF and I are both in our early 20's have been serious for about a year now and for all intents and purposes we have a wonderful relationship. In fact, we recently moved in together. The only road block that we haven't been able to completely handle so far is sex. At first it seemed as though my libido was much hirer than his and often when I brought the subject of sex up to him he would get very defensive and tell me that 'sex wasn't the most important thing in life'; so I stopped bringing it up and let us usually go at his pace.
Well last night I tried initiating and he seemed to start to get angry and that led to a fight. In that fight he admitted to me that the reason he doesn't want to have sex is because he thinks he's a lousy lover and his main concern is that he doesn't think he can keep going long enough.
The fact is that I think he's a fantastic lover. I usually orgasm several times before he does. I've told him all these things many times and I'm also very vocal when we make love so I don't know how he could think I'm not enjoying it. I reiterated all of this last night but he told me that he thinks I'm just sparing his feelings.
I'd hate to see this misunderstanding continue to be an issue in our relationship. What more can I do to make him understand that he has nothing to be worried about?

Dear Saydar,
Unfortunately, most of these issues need to be handled internally. You are doing exactly what you should be doing: you're being supportive, loving and reassuring. Keep in mind that you cannot "make" anyone feel, think or believe anything no matter how much you desire it. Ultimately, the perception that he has is his perceptions and only he can shift that. He could have had a bad early experience with sex and this can color his perceptions about what is going on or some other issue.
Having said all of that, it is a little unusual for a young man that age to not want sex. Check in with yourself and see if there is not something else beneath this. As many on this website have mentioned in the past, sex is often times a canary in a coal mine when it comes to relationship. Good, healthy sex is the biproduct of intimacy on all levels: emotional/spiritual, mind/body etc. etc.
Does he feel safe in the relationshp? Does he feel that he can express his innermost dreams and thoughts without being judged? Do you feel safe in all of the above? THose are all questions to ask yourself.
Anyway, as far as doing anything to help. It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you need to. The rest is really up to him.
Peace.
Scott.
If a guy is that down on himself that he won't have sex because he thinks he's not good at it, he's got some real problems. How does he think he will learn to be good at it, if he doesn't do it? He can teach himself to last longer, and he can ask you what feels good to you, and then do it.
He's an insecure guy....and I'm sure that comes thru in other places besides the bedroom. He needs to learn to have more self-esteem, and you can't do that for him.
NO one starts out as a good lover, or a good partner. They LEARN by doing.....and if he's not willing to do that, then you'll never change him, and you'll spend a lifetime reassuring him how great he is......and THAT wears very thin after a while.
He's right, sex isn't all there is in a relationship, but it's a very important part of a relationship, particularly if you want more than he's willing to give. It would be fine if you only wanted sex once a month, but you want it more. You need to talk to him, and come to some kind of compromise, otherwise, you'll find yourself looking elsewhere for the love and affection that you're not getting from him.