Can Trust Be Regained in a Relationship?

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Registered: 08-03-2004
Can Trust Be Regained in a Relationship?
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Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:24am

I have read serval post about affairs, and one thing that comes up a lot is being honest

  

   who_reallyknows

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anonymous user
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:33am
Who, I agree. Having been married to a cheater before, I can tell you, I never looked at her the same way again.I never really was fully able to forgive, and I never forgot, it was that traumatic.In my case, complete trust was gone.
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Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:19am

<it was that traumatic.In my case, complete trust was gone.>>


Do you think there are exceptions?

  

   who_reallyknows

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Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 7:26am
You are going under the assumption though that once a cheater, always a cheater.

I know several couples (personally) who have dealt with infidelity. The circumstances vary but the one thing that is making it possible for the betrayed spouse to agree to work through this is that the betrayer is genuinely remorseful and wants to savc the marriage. He is truely sorry for the pain he caused.

You don't ever regain the trust you once had, but you can rebuild it. That means that while the betrayee is struggling with this, he is willing to check in at home, not be unreachable, be where he says he is going to be at all times, be home on time, stop ALL contact with the other woman whether it means changing jobs, moving, changing email addresses, whatever. He has to make his wife the number one priority and not worry about 'letting down' the other woman easily or trying to be 'nice' to her. In addition, it ususally means some type of counseling, allowing for more couple time, and teaching him ways to cope with issues other than running out and talking them over with another woman. Most of the women I know that have gone through this said the very hardest part was thinking that their H and this other woman might have lain in bed and talked about *her*, and that he probably lied in order to make himself look sympathetic (thereby making the wife look like a cold hearted, sexless B---) when in reality she thought things seemed good AND they were still having sex at home! That thought of being 'discussed' and having intimate secrets or information being passed on was one of the worst images for them. Another was that he might have brought HER into the wife's house (or bed). It takes a lot of work to erase mental images like that. A

It can be done. And it takes time and time and more time. Not weeks or months. It takes years and years. And even then it may not ever be as it once was. But it doesn't meant that by staying in a marriage and trying to work through it that you're stupid or 'putting up with it'. And thse women are never naive again, they probably know more things to look for than I could ever imagine. It's like saying that if someone had a drinking problem, you may as well throw them away now because they'll never recover. Not so.

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Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 7:27am
ACK! That tiny font is almost impossible to read unless I move 6" from the monitor!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:04am

For me to try to regain trust, it would depend on the circumstances, everything involved, not just the cheating itself.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 11:39am

  

   who_reallyknows

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Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:20pm

If my husband cheated on me, if it was only once, a one night stand thing I think it would be easier to forgive and regain trust back than if if was a long term affair.

  

   who_reallyknows

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Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:10pm
Any good marriage counselor will tell you that for awhile, it's going to have to be the third degree and the betrayer needs to accept that. It doesn't mean that you can forever throw mistakes in their face or hold it over their heads. But in order to regain trust, you need to prove yourself trustworthy. If that means being checked up on or calling home, then that's what you do. The betrayer has to be willing to do give their partner that bit of respect and power, if they ever expect to be trusted again, for however long it takes him/her to feel secure. They canNOT just say "I SAID I'm sorry, get over it already!" and expect that to do the trick. Check out the Betrayed Spouses Board, they are all in various stages of being betrayed, and that is the number one thing they and their counselors will say. Telling someone that they should just trust and get over it negates their feelings and the betrayed is entitled to feel hurt, anger, sadness, jealous, enraged, whatever.

I don't mean this to sound snide, I just don't know how else to phrase it - but aren't you and your H in an open marriage? If so, that's not the same thing, IMO.

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Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:12pm

I don't mean this to sound snide, I just don't know how else to phrase it - but aren't you and your H in an open marriage? If so, that's not the same thing, IMO.


yes, we are now. But a lot of the reasons we are in an open marriage came from these kind of

  

   who_reallyknows

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Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 4:20pm
I dunno -after the infidelity, it seems like you guys would have benefitted from some good open honesty and a good marriage counselor, rather than an open marriage. It seems like you haven't really resolved the issues that drove you to someone else and yet you're both now inviting other people to bed, so to speak.

Before you go any further with the open marriage idea, do you think your DH would go to counseling with you? So you could resolve some of the issues that he is apparently still confronting? Sounds like he hasn't really gotten to forgiveness yet, but if you weren't completely honest, it's hard for him to. I would want to be completely satisfied with any info I sought before I could move on to the next step. If that meant him answering some very painful and personal questions, that is what he would have to do to work through it.

Question -do you believe that your H is naive for staying with you?

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