Can Trust Be Regained in a Relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Can Trust Be Regained in a Relationship?
26
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:24am

I have read serval post about affairs, and one thing that comes up a lot is being honest

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 10:15pm

<>


No, but only because we have no commitment, I have "permission" to have sex with whoever, I don't have to lie, or

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:06pm
I would like to offer my 2 cents on the topic of adultery since my ex-wife was a cheat. I am not a philosopher or psychologist and I don't care to approach this subject as either one. I am a person who feels that once a cheater, always a cheater. I did not want to stay in a marriage where I had to wonder what my spouse was up to when she came home late. When I confronted my ex-wife she took the position, "who is to say that adultery is wrong?" Her family, to my surprise, took a similar position. She also accused me of not trusting her as a husband is supposed to because I hired a private invesigator to confirm my suspicions. We tried counseling but it didn't help since she never felt there was anything to apologize for. Because the psychologist didn't want to take sides even he would not suggest that adultery is wrong. Now I'm not saying that a spouse who feels that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence should remain in a marriage that doesn't live up to his or her expectations. I do feel that it is much more decent to end one relationship before staring a new one. By the way the married man she was involved with never offered to marry my ex when his wife passed away. But that could be a result of my ex-wife blackmailing him to the tune of $5,000. to keep the adultery secret since he was her boss at a multi-million dollar corporation and the management frowned on this type of thing. Also my ex discovered that he was using the same tired lines on another married woman that he supervised and he was sleeping with her as well. The nerve of him! Maybe I should write a book entitled, My Life is a Soap Opera.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:34pm
who, it was pretty much out of the blue. Somehow she came in contact with an old college flame. He was the bad boy type..sorta good for nothing. The shock and pain was unbelievable. Long story, but I stayed for years, untill my daughter got her scholarship, then I left.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:22pm

who, it was pretty much out of the blue.


So you did even know she was unhappy?

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 4:39pm
I agree with you. There are two kinds of people: those who find the idea of cheating morally repulsive, and those who do not. And these two types of people, as a couple, are completely incompatible, and anyone who was cheated on who stays around thinking it can never happen again is naive. There's no gray area here; just people who would and people who wouldn't. Even people who are unhappy in their relationships who find cheating morally repulsive would not cheat no matter what, so "problems in the relationship" is a lame excuse as far as I'm concerned. My advice to anyone who has been cheated on is to stand up for your dignity and kick them to the curb and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve and leave your dignity intact, not someone who has incompatible moral values from your own.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 5:18pm
Heres the deal. My ex wife had a very low self esteem. As a result she was a control freak. As much as I tried to build up her self esteem, nothing worked. We went to conseling, I held her, I did house work..this was the love of my life, but nothing worked. I knew she wasnt happy, but never was her unhappiness pointed at our marriage or me.She had always invisioned herself being wealthy living on a horse ranch. We did live extreemly comfotably. Big house, nice cars etc. But not the kind of money to live like horse people do. She even went as far as getting breast implants.(again self esteem)I was silently opposed to the implants, but I paid for them anyway.

When she cheated it was with a former friend of mine who played college basketball who was of another race than we were(if that matters). This guy got into drugs, was kicked off of the basketball team, and , at the time she cheated with him, (10 years later)he worked on a sanitation team who picks up garbage. Sooo not her type. I only found out because she was missing from home more than normal, so I got suspicious and follwed her one night. Seeing this scumbag was proof who low her self esteem had sunk.

Answers to your questions.. I stay for over 10 years, tried to make the best of it "played the game" for my daughters sake . I didnt want her to grow up without a father ,like i had to. She was a promising athlete (softball pitcher) and I wanted to help her live her dream the best I could (she now pitches for a Divison 1 major college)

Yes I tried to make a good marriage, we never fought..it was no sex no loving , just friends type of marriage.

No I do not regret staying in the marriage for my daighter, she is now set up for life, and I will take some credit for that.

I did miss out on years of sex, staying married to this woman, but since I left her , I met a wonderful woman who is making sure that I am making up for lost time. Plus we just got married in Jamaica.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:43am

I couldn't find this post tonight I looked right over it. It is too late tonight for me to answer though, I must have sleep...lol


Didn't get much rest last night, as you read I'm sure, anyway I'll be back in the morning...


One last thing, what is the deal with your name

  

   who_reallyknows

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:32am
I am really with you on this one who. I don't think trust can be regained because you can't really check up enough on people to know if they are telling the truth and some will be real good to lull you into thinking things are fine and then they are back to their old ways. Everyone has their reasons for letting some violation of trust slide by but I think you are cutting yourself out of finding someone new that you can trust and leaving the cheater behind in the dust of the past.

I am tempted to do things I should not like everyone else but I don't think my wife would let me violate her trust and I would not let her violate mine. I expect her to do what she says she will do and be where she says she is going to be. If she wants to be with someone else then it is time for us to part company.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:25am

<<truth>>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:54pm
the name humpdaddy... I guess Im a daddy who still likes to hump......lol