Catholic Guilt-How Can I Help Him Deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Catholic Guilt-How Can I Help Him Deal?
17
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:13am
So my new bf, 28, is having trouble in the sex department. He either goes off too fast or looses his erection. I havent brought it up, but he has, and says he has too much running through his head. Part guilt, part performance anxiety, he knows i have more experience than him. And he has been hurt in the past by women, this could also be contributing. I told him we could just wait until he feels more comfortable emotionally with the whole thing and he laughed and said that he really wants to and thats the problem. Any suggestions you might have would be appreciated,
THANKS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:00am

There's a lot more going on with him than "catholic" guilt. Lot's of Catholics, and/or people of other religions (most of which frown on premarital sex) get over it when they become adults. Most people decide on their own what's right and what's wrong for them, despite their religious or familial teachings.

1. It's a new relationship. Most people take some time to become comfortable sexually with a new partner.

2. "Performance Anxiety" goes along with a new relationship. Your "experience" means nothing, or it shouldn't. Experience doesn't equate "knowledge". It's unfortunate that he's intimidated by it, and it's unfortunate that you shared that information with him.

3. Anyone who has ever "dated" has been hurt by someone. That's life. We don't blame our current partner for what someone else has done to us.

How can you "help" him get over this stuff? You can't. All you can do is be patient and understanding...and hope that he'll get over it on his own.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 11:21am

Frankly, what he describes feeling is normal. I think 99.9% of men experience performance anxiety at some time, especially with a new partner! He is new, you are new, give this more time and it will typically work itself out with experience together, practice and comfort.

So, don't wait, just give it more time and practice. And be patient. I would suggest that he provide an oral or manual orgasm for you during foreplay, and then he won't feel so anxious about lasting.

If the problem doesn't resolve itself though, he should be checked by a dr. first and deal with the possible emotional contributors after.

Good luck!




Edited 4/4/2006 11:25 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 6:35pm

The way you explain it, it sounds like your bf has a few interrelated issues going on, so why the need to lump it all together under the label "Catholic Guilt?" I try not to take offense unless I'm sure offense is intended, and I'm sure that you intended no offense, however, trading in steretypes is very demeaning. Attributing his issues to "Catholic Guilt" perpetuates a stereotype of Catholics as unhealthy, and sexually repressed. Certainly some are, but then again so are many non-Catholics I have met.

Most people, of whatever faith or philosophy enjoy sex, often have a few hang-ups and hopefully look to their consciences to guide their moral choices. Applying negative generalizations to members of a group really isn't the best way to understand any individual.




Edited 4/5/2006 6:37 pm ET by journeyman2005
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 7:07pm
Hmmmm. When I read holly2polly's post, I didn't get the impression that Catholic guilt was HER conclusion but his. Maybe I'm wrong or maybe you should take it up with him instead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:11pm
I am sorry if anyone thought I meant any offense by "catholic guilt". The reason i highlighted this as one of the main parts of the problem is because i have dealt with perfomance anxiety and that sort of male problems before, but the catholic thing is new to me. And it was him who brought it up as part of a feeling like what he was doing might somehow me wrong. Both for him personally and for his faith.
Again, sorry if i offended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:42am

No offence taken, sounds like journeyman jumped the gun a little. Sounds like your b/f freely admits to having, and using the term "Catholic Guilt" for his reaction about and during sex.

Really there isn't a lot that YOU can do other than be understanding and supportive. I wouldn't mistake that for "babying" him and avoiding the issue though. He's the one that's got to work through the issues that he has and being too, ummm..., 'gentle' won't help things. Just be yourself. Do and say what you would normally do and say.

At 28yo I wonder if there is more to it than catholic guilt though. He's definitely an adult and I would have thought that he would have worked through all this by now. Do you know much about his family background and have any vague idea about his past sex life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:10am
She mentioned "catholic guilt" as ONE of his problems. One might guess that he's a Catholic......so what would you call it? I'm sure she meant no offense to any Catholics, she simply repeated what he said to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:07pm

I took no offense from what you wrote, as I said yesterday, I try not to take offense unless I'm sure offense is intended.

My comment was only meant to caution that the careless use of such terms unintentionally reinforces a misleading stereotype and oversimplifies what sounds like a complex issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:19pm

Well, I'd say that holly did kinda give it top billing when she titled the thread, "Catholic Guilt - How can I Help Him Deal?"

You're right, apparently her boyfriend does calls it that. I could only go by what she wrote in her initial post. Personally, I might have called it an intimacy issue or something like that.

As I mentioned yesterday (in about my second sentence) I'm sure she meant no offense and none was taken.




Edited 4/6/2006 5:19 pm ET by journeyman2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:33pm

If the discussion had been titled 'Jewish Guilt,' it would've meant the same thing to me.


I read the reference as homogeneously cultural, not religious.

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