Catholic Guilt-How Can I Help Him Deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Catholic Guilt-How Can I Help Him Deal?
17
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:13am
So my new bf, 28, is having trouble in the sex department. He either goes off too fast or looses his erection. I havent brought it up, but he has, and says he has too much running through his head. Part guilt, part performance anxiety, he knows i have more experience than him. And he has been hurt in the past by women, this could also be contributing. I told him we could just wait until he feels more comfortable emotionally with the whole thing and he laughed and said that he really wants to and thats the problem. Any suggestions you might have would be appreciated,
THANKS!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:14pm

I can understand where you're coming from. Personally, I would have been as bothered if it had been titled "Jewish Guilt..." I don't want to be politically correct, but I do think that the casual use of stereotype by decent people unintentionally provides cover for those who use them maliciously.

Holly obviously didn't mean to offend and sincerely and graciously apologized in case she had done so inadvertently. In re-reading what I wrote yesterday, I can uderstand how I could have come across more harshly critical than was ever my intent for which I would like to apologize to Holly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 3:57pm
Its okay journeyman, i understood your point about stereotypes, i am sorry this has caused such a kerfluffle. I think i was just trying to draw attention by posting it as "catholic guilt" which it did but not in the good way. And the catholic part is the part i am not use to dealing with, so it is also what i would like the most insight for from catholics who might have had to struggle with thinking about their faith during sex themselves.
Someone asked before about his sexual history. He told me he has had seven partners before me, which for a 28 year old doesnt seem like very much to me.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 4:33pm

7 partners for a 28 yr. old is quite a few, IMO. My DH is 51 and has had only one....me. I think it's all relative.

But this will be something that he'll have to resolve and deal with himself. We all do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 1:18am

Ai carumba! The politically correct hijack the thread! Sheesh....

Anyway, seven partners at 28yo seems OK to me. There are plenty of guys out there that have had a lot fewer!

Your last comment caught my attention. Combine that with what you said in your original post about him knowing about your experience (or whatever it was I can't check it while I'm composing this reply). I wonder if he feels a bit intimidated by your "experience" and perhaps confidence in the bedroom? Maybe he is under the impression that you've had more "experience" than you actually have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 2:08am
Well i asked him once how many girls he had been with and he told me and then he didnt ask me back until one night after sex (when he had had trouble) about my number(25), so you could be right, since it seemed that was one of the things he was thinking about. But he says his mind flicks around to a couple of things, and i think performance anxiety is just one of them. He mentioned his faith being one of the things he thinks about.
Thanks for your thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 1:43pm
My 28 yr old fiance had the same problem maintaining an erection when we first began having intercourse...mostly it was the condoms that he was wearing (some guys can't maintain while using them)..so I went on the pill and that resolved the issue...the other thing was the fact that I was abstinent 5 years before we met and he had PE from being the "first" guy after so long...we took our time and I told him every time he lost it that I loved him and it wasn't a big deal...eventually he calmed down and now everything works fantastic in that area...just be patient, reassure him how much you care for him and eventually he will relax and things will be fine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:07pm
Well then, I'm sure that your number of partners has been part of the problem - guys can be funny like that when their partner has had a substantial number of men in the past. The old double-standard raises it's head and I don't think that there are many guys that haven't had to get their heads around that one at some point in their lives. His catholic guilt and all the many ramifications of that is another, probably much bigger, part. I think that with time he'll get over it and work through everything though.

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