changing directions

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
changing directions
14
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 9:33am

When I was dating a particular woman, she use to like to start sex by going right for it...by getting on top of me. We would kiss first but then she just wanted to get on top.

I let her do this a couple of times and then a few times, I stopped her and told her that if she wanted to get on top of me she had to go down on me first. But I would get her pretty hot first, she would get on top and just about stick it in and then I would stop her and tell her she had to have me in her mouth first. I could tell her was slightly disappointed but I wanted to feel the sensation of her mouth around me first. I wonder if any one else has stopped a woman like this and made them do something else before intercourse.

I think it was a turn on for me to be able to get her to do it when she obviously wasn't planning on it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 10:11am

She did this every single time? Where's the foreplay?

We almost always give oral to each other before intercourse, or in between. It's our own form of foreplay, and induces arousal. Even if I'm in control and on top, I will often switch off to giving him oral in between.

We pretty much have free reign over what we want to do during sex. So, yes, we mix it up between what we want to do and what we're asked to do. There aren't any two sessions that are identical--what worked yesterday, may not work today. So you have to go with "how you feel."

I'm surprised that you said that she was "disappointed." That's odd, and seems very regimented. You should be flexible because, as I said, we all like different things, at different times, and our bodies rule....they dictate what comes next. Unless, perhaps, I misinterpreted and you were being facetious, and just meant that you had to "coerce" her away from something she loved doing(and you too). So her disappointment was actually a good thing--in a twisted kind of way. Or(as you can see, I'm trying to figure out exactly what you mean).....it's a form of teasing....you are causing her to "break away" so that she'll want what you take away from her even more. You devil, you.... ;-)




Edited 5/12/2006 4:35 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:31pm

i think it is safe to say that the majority of women don't just get on top everytime. your lady was unique and it is understandable that you would want a bit more build-up or variety.

however, if you are talking about getting off on the power of getting someone to do something they don't want to do. that's not much of a turn on for me. there's a few odd instances when my partner wanted me to stop but because i was angry or wanted to hurt them i continued to do it. it wasn't really a sexual turn-on, i just wanted to exercise my power over them because i was getting back at them for something they did that hurt me.

getting someone to go down on me when i know that's not something they really want to do is a big turn off for me.

on the other hand if someone always just got on top of me everytime it would get really boring quick and i would need to introduce some kind of games or incentives to mix it up a bit.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:58pm
Not usually. We usually hit all the bases before we move on. My DH & I spend quite a bit of time in foreplay before intercourse, unless it's an agreed upon quickie. OR instead of intercourse, so neither of us feels the need to stop whatever we're doing to do something else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 2:59pm
My boyfriend and I both get really sexually turned on by the thought of seducing and teasing the other person until they get really sexually frustrated and have a hard time controlling themselves, and then stopping and telling the other person they have to do what we want before they get the satisfaction they crave. We both also really like being on the receiving end of it, so we do a lot of this sort of thing when we're together. If this sort of a thing really turns you on, then I would suggest that with the next girl you're with, sometime when you're out of bed talk to her about it, and see if she thinks she would enjoy that sort of a thing. If your with a woman who says she doesn't like that sort of a thing though then it's just mean to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 10:38am
I agree you shouldn't force someone to do anything. It's always up to them. But I was coercing which I think is ok. It's still up to her. She didn't have to do anything. the problem was that she didn't really like to give oral. I was hoping by doing it a few times on me, she might change her mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 10:45am
So if a guy asks you to go down on him, when maybe you weren't really wanting to...would that bother you? Would you go ahead and do it knowing that you are there to satisfy each other and he would be doing something later that would satisfy you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:18am

Although sex is about pleasuring each other, doing something that you don't enjoy, don't want to do, but you're just doing it for the other one doesn't set well with me.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:34am

There's not a whole lot of difference between "coerce" and "force"! Coerse is to "restrain by force, as by law or authority; to repress; to compel to compliance". If I read it right, it was a "former" g/f.....

The truth of the matter came out in your next post....she didn't LIKE to give you oral sex. That was her choice. And, I'm sorry, but thinking that if you could just have gotten her to do it a few times, she would suddenly love doing it.....is wishful thinking. Women either love doing it, or can "tolerate" it, and do it to make their man happy, or they don't like it, and nothing will MAKE them like it. Personally, I love doing it.....I'm not really doing it for him any more than I'm doing it for myself, but I can respect (but not understand) women who don't like doing it.

It's kind of like caviar.....I don't care how many people tell me how wonderful it is, I think it's disgusting, and there is no way that I'd learn to like it if I ate it 1000 times! People don't understand why I feel that way, but I do. It's GROSS.

Having said that......I can understand YOUR feeling....and probably even boredom because it was always the same. That's death to sex as far as I'm concerned. If it's predictable, it's BORING. I was married for 20 years, and have been divorced for 30, and I can still remember my ex's "routine".....it never varied. Also, at that time, oral sex was new to me, and I wasn't too crazy about it. (giving, NEVER received during those 20 years!) He would eventually push my head down there, and THAT's what I didn't like. Even if a person LIKES something, they'll always resist if they feel they're being forced, or coerced, as you like to say it.

Since she's an ex, it's over and done with.....but it seems she could have done what you liked occasionally! Unless she was one of those women who'd actually gag and choke if she tried it. Hopefully whomever you're with now isn't like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 6:43pm

I see that some of the others were surprised about your g/f just wanting jump on top without foreplay.

My DW was like that when we first met and I had a heck of a time getting her away from that short and sharp routine. To her, thinking about the sex moments before a quick grope and then jumping on top WAS the foreplay. By the time she actually made a move on me she was aroused and wet and ready for intercourse. She acted like a horney and inexperienced schoolboy rushing for the orgasm and just getting off. Talk about a reversal of the genders. For quite a while a lot of our lovemaking involved a quick kiss, a quick minute or two of handjob or bJ to make sure I was hard (or maybe two minutes of oral sex for her) and then her jumping on top for about a vigorous one minute of action until she hit her orgasm. If we were lucky she'd then slow down momentarily before spending another minute or two minute building up to a second or maybe a third orgasm.

Frequently I didn't orgasm because of the lack of foreplay and one minute of vigorous WOT doesn't do enough for me. When she wanted intercourse, she wasn't going to be denied. She sometimes quite forcefully pulled me up or demanded that we change.

It wasn't always easy getting her to change. Sometimes we'd actually argue about her moving too fast and the lack of foreplay. But she has changed for the most part - she actually enjoys me going down on her now. The sex has gone from me feeling like I wasn't even in the bed with her and she was just using me to masturbate with, to real making love. Thinking about last night, for example, makes me all warm and fuzzy. We had some of the best ever foreplay and sex last night. Somewhat ironically I was on top and the intercourse was short and lasted about two minutes because of the great extended foreplay. But I can appreciate hanging in there and taking the time and making the effort to slow things down and work at getting the foreplay sorted.

Sometimes "forcing" a person to change their routine isn't a bad thing. I don't agree with forcing someone to do something that they don't want to do or don't feel comfortable with, but at the same time, sometimes you have to break old habits and patterns too. I'm not sure where that line can be drawn.

Edited 5/14/2006 6:45 pm ET by westridge2001




Edited 5/14/2006 6:47 pm ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 10:02pm

Whoa, I was way off in my interpretation of your first post. I didn't get from that post that she dislikes giving you oral.

My personal opinion, is that if you coerce/force someone to do things that they do not enjoy doing--that is emotional blackmail. It's one thing if they like doing it, and may prefer something more(like she does WOT), and you trying to "coerce" her into paying more attention to that something, but it's an entirely different thing, if she DOES NOT like it. Why not just respect that your partner is intelligent/unselfish/loving and would do anything they could to please you if they could? Do you think she's not giving you oral because she's selfish? Or so stupid that she doesn't know her own likes and dislikes? Or how about because she doesn't love you? I would not want anyone doing anything that they didn't desire to of their own free will. I would get zero enjoyment if I had to force my SO's head down between my legs and say "eat boy, eat!" ....does nothing for me, even if they comply. Just knowing that they really do not want to be there, is a turn off. I can't understand what mind set a person has to be in to get enjoyment out of that, really.

If you read my post down below under the Male Brothel thread, you'll see that this is where I think that the genders may differ. I think that generally women do not desire any type of sex with an unwilling partner(one that wouldn't have sex without getting paid to), nor do they enjoy being on the receiving end of an act that they had to force a partner to perform.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )

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