Changing Our Usual Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Changing Our Usual Sex
7
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 4:42pm
My boyfriend of almost 2 yrs, who took my virginity doesn’t do the best job of pleasing my sexually. He always asks me what I like and he knows that I prefer foreplay and oral to actual sex. But he only fingers me and our foreplay only last 5 minutes sometimes, and maybe 10 at the longest. He recently, started rubbing my clit, which I really appreciate. But right when it starts to get good he quits and we get right into sex. He has only went down on me once and it was for about 30 seconds, but felt sooo good. However, just about every sexual encounter we have I give him a hand job. I don’t know how to tell him what I like or initiate it. I have never had an orgasm, as the few times he’s done anything to me, it has ended too quickly. How can I fix this so I enjoy our sex a little more??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 6:45pm
If he doesn't do what you need, then you have to tell him exactly what you want or show him.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:11pm

The best advise that I can give to you, is to talk to him about how you feel. Try to make it as comfortable as possible. And I suggest talking to him while not in a sexual situation. It might make him uncomfortable. Discuss it outside of the bedroom, tell him what you like that he does and what you dont like. Be sure to tell him that the 5 minutes is not enough and you're not getting the desireable result. But make sure that your tone and the way you say it is caring.

Also, you mentioned that he asks you what you like. What is your response to this? You need to tell him exactly what you want and how you like it. If you are not satisfied when he stops doing what you like, you can always whisper in a sexy way "Dont stop". That way, he'll know that you like what he's doing.

You also said you dont know how to initiate it. Dont be shy. I know sometimes it's hard to say or do what you like. But you should be comfortable with your partner. If you want to initiate something, start with something just a little bit different from what you guys always do and work your way up from there.

Let me know if this helps. There's probably more info I can offer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:58pm
Talking to him about this issue sounds just fine as we have a loving and open relationship. However, we have talked a little about it before but not into much depth. The only problem is I'm not sure how to bring it up or how to say "I want you to do this" without making it seem like he is not good. I thought maybe I could slowly initiate things while in the bedroom, and slowly change things, progessively for the better. But I'm not sure which approach to take....Any input??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:25pm

I'm the type and so is Dh that if we want something, we just tell each other what we want.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 8:51am

Try bringing it up outside the bedroom. I know what it's like to be in a relationship and not know how to say "This is what I want", especially if you haven't been having sex for a long time. I'm sure most, if not all women have been there. With that said, you have to be open and honest about how you feel about your sexual needs as with anything else in your relationship.

When you're talking to him about "changing" anything, try not to make it sound accusatory. Like "you're not doing what I want". Instead, say to him "there's something that I really want to try" and tell him what it is. Make sure your voice sounds warm and loving. He wont find it offensive or anything like that, he'll see it for what it is -- you wanting something new and different. There's nothing wrong with that.

Also, while you're in the act and he stops whatever to move to intercourse, say to him "I really love what you're doing, don't stop". If you want him to touch you, take his hands and guide him through what you want him to do. (No narration, that's just weird. Unless you're playing around with a bondage type situation, then it's kinda sexy).

Speaking of bondage (if you're not into that kind of thing, then just ignore this), that is a great way to tell him what you like during sex. Dress up in something sexy (leather, maybe) and then have him be your "love slave". Tell him he has to do what you say, or he'll be in big trouble. Then tell him what you want (in a sexy way of course). Fantasies in general are a great way to tell him what you want. Find out what his are and tell him yours. Then fulfill each others' fantasies. (As long as you both are comfortable with doing it). You don't have to jump straight into something like this, though.

If you want to try something new, then you go for it. Guys find it super hot when their girlfriend/wife can take the reigns and try something new. Just have fun, that's all you have to do, and leave you inhibitions at the door.

Good luck (have fun)

P.S: There's nothing wrong with taking things slow and progressing. As long as you're going at a pace comfortable to you and you're getting results, then everything's all good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:02am

This is not about how "good" he is (or isn't), this is about both of you pleasing each other. He's not a mindreader, and he can only do what he knows how to do, unless he gets feedback from you. If he's been with others before you, he's doing what he did before. Maybe they were the same way, they didn't TALK to him, and he thinks he's doing just fine. Even if they did talk to him, every new partner is different, and every new partner is a new learning experience. That goes for women as well as men. I'll be he has NO problem saying "no, not that way, do this instead".

You don't need to "talk" to him, you need to instruct him, and by saying, "that feels so good, don't stop!" you're not telling him he's not good enough, you're telling him what you like. If he tries to move on to intercourse, tell him "I'm not ready yet". If he's giving you manual clitoral stimulation, tell him that you love it, and you'd love it even more if he'd try some oral stimulation, too.

Most guys, especially younger guys, are very "intercourse oriented". That's where they get the most pleasure. What they don't know is that women aren't made the same way.....intercourse is great, but the vagina isn't a female's primary sex organ, the clitoris is what does it for most of us. As far as orgasms are concerned, don't worry about them....it'll happen when he knows what to do to help you have them, and intercourse isn't it for most women. 80%of women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone.......because there is very little feeling in your vagina with the exception of the "g" spot. Most women need clitoral stimulation (even during intercourse)to have orgasms. But, if no one tells them, they don't have a clue.

Most men get great pleasure from seeing their partner enjoying themselves, but if they don't know what they're supposed to do, it's not going to happen.

Check out www.the-clitoris.com, and let him check it out too.....there's a lot of good information there about how the female body works, and what will give a woman pleasure. If he just discovered your clitoris, then he needs to know more about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 6:40pm

OMG. I really feel for you! Getting eaten is the best feelings! Getting fingered is grrreat. Getting your clit rubbed is great but its amazing getting u'r clit sucked and licked! This may not be easy to hear but if he is not doing this for you then you must communicate this to him! You need to be open and honest and let him have it flat out since it seems that he has not had a clue! If you are not comfortable being brutally honest and tell him "Eat me"! Then maybe you can be a little nicer and communicate to him that it would be nice if we gave you the sexual gratification/satisfaction that you are willing to give to him.

Get down there and work him. Give him a good blowjob, handjob whatever he needs to get him off. Then say I want to feel like you are feeling right now. Giving a good blowjob and seeing your partner really hot and horny should get you a little wet and then just ask for it. Tell him that u need u'r nipples sucked, licked, rubbed and u need him to lick, rub, suck on u'r clit and finger you while he has you all wet with his mouth on u'r clit. You need to get what you need. It is only fair so speak up!