cheaters and compassion

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
cheaters and compassion
42
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 10:58pm

We have had a recent group of threads about cheating, and many of the replying posts seem to be extremely judgemental in reply.

Could I ask that we take a moment to consider the state of mind of many a cheating woman? Many attacking replies talk about love and respect - but I'm thinking that it would be very difficult to love and respect a partner if you don't love and respect yourself first.

Perhaps the cheating woman is the product of sex abuse or carnal knowledge. Perhaps she grew up in a household without a good male role model. Perhaps she's got so little self esteem that she sleeps around in an effort to feel loved.

When we attack these posters (and let's face it, there have been some blantantly rude posts in reply), are we actually helping these women? If their self esteem is already so low that they sleep around to find acceptance, how will us beating them up further help them? If anything, I think it would do more damage than good.

While I don't for one moment think that posters should condone the cheating, perhaps compassion may be more appropriate than attack? Surely helpful discussion would be more fruitful to help them understand the dynamics of their ways than the attacks that we currently see. Yes, we will get trolls from time to time who discuss cheating just to get a rise out of posters, but we also get real people posting with real issues.

May I remind you of one of the basic rules of humanity? "May those who have never sinned cast the first stone"

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 9:22am

Ahhh yes, compassion....

"Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it"

I can't help myself sometimes. I'll exhaustedly try and make the cheater feel compassion for their SO--to no avail. ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 9:58am

Great post to get our minds thinking.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 11:20am
My parents have been married for 31 years and it has been a loveless marriage for 30 years. Both of my parents have cheated on each other.My mom did it when I was a teenager and my dad did it most of their marriage. It hurt me when I found out my mom did it but as I got older I understood why she did. The last time my dad did it was 5 years ago and he fessed up. Mom was hurt for a long time but she still isn't over it but she realizes that my dad isn't going to change.They won't get a divorce for finacial reasons(my mom needs the medical insurance).

Kimmie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 1:10pm
Why do I feel that some of what you said was so pointed at..say..me? I feel strongly about infidelity in marriage and I stated what I felt was my opinion. If I made anyone feel bad, I'm sorry. But, I simply think that the old "he wasn't there for me" excuse is dead and that its time to be honest with yourself and your husband. Besides, you shouldn't rely on another person for self-esteem. It should come from within.
Sure, I've do"sinned". But, I've never cheated on my husband. And if those women are suffering from low self-esteem, then sleeping with someone for a temporary high isn't the answer. I think if you are adult enough to make a huge mistake like that, then you are adult enough to ADMIT the mistake, CORRECT the mistake, and FIX the problems YOU created. Don't come crying for support when you've stepped out of your marriage. Don't say you love your husband and then sleep with someone else. Don't say you love him and then turn around and say you don't.
Perhaps I was out of line. And I apologize for battering someone's self-esteem when they've already drug themselves as low as they could go. For those who cheat, have cheated, will cheat-that's your business. If you don't want to hear what some of us may have to say with out holding your hand and telling you that cheating is ok, don't broadcast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 8:52pm

>>If the reason is in your own mind, because of things you mentioned, child abuse, not having a good male figure in your life, low self-esteem, then again, get professional help for your problems<<

I agree, but we must remember that there is a stage when someone realises that they need help....and for some, that stage doesn't arrive till they've hit rock bottom. Sometimes the trigger may be a compassionate person on a board - or a friend who may say "hey, you know how X happened in your life years ago? Well, it may well have a bearing on what you are doing now."

When I was in my early teens, I was seduced by an older male friend of the family. I did it because it brought me male attention. I did it because he gave me positive attention when we were together. I didn't seek counselling because I didn't really have any angst about what happened then....I simply accepted it and moved on. However, I didn't realise that the result of these events was to teach me at a young age that if I want positive affirmation, that I could use my body to find it.

I then spent a large portion of my teens and early 20s with a number of partners, and yes, cheating on them. But again, if what you are doing feels "normal" then you don't think to seek help. It's not until I was in my mid-late 20's that I sought counselling (for my failing marriage) and the counsellor explained how my past can impact on the present. I think that it was Jennie who commented on all the infidelity portrayed in novels and the media....this portrail does nothing to help someone who's already having problems figuring out what's real and what's not.

From there, I've had to un-learn a lot of stuff. It's not easy, and even to this day I have made a conscious decision to have no male friends. No temptation. But I do understand that people can be irrational. They can look past all the bad they are doing if the end result fills some basic need that is otherwise unfilled.

And this is where our compassion comes in - to help them identify the cause of their problems so that they can address it.




Edited 5/30/2005 8:59 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 8:57pm

"to no avail..."

exactly. The person can't begin to respect their partner until they can first respect themselves. Also, compassion flows on. If we can help the OP address the underlying cause of their issues, they will in time see the damage that they are doing to their partner.

If you address the basic cause of the cheating - the end result will be that they find that compassion for their partner. But there's no use starting at the end of the chain of events if the OP is in denial. They won't find that compassion until they've addressed their own basic issues.

Edited to add:
I've got a child with autism, and as such, I've delved quite deeply into understanding behavioural issues. One of the things that I've learned (and this is valid for anyone, both child or adult, 'normal' or disabled) is that you can't always simply say "think about others and stop what you're doing" Sure, it's very tempting because it's so damn logical....but in reality, you've got to address the underlying cause of the behaviour.

It's like: little Johnny hurts his sister. The parental instinct is to tell him that he's hurting his sister and to stop it. But what if he's hurting his sister as an attention seeking behaviour? The best approach is to first address the reason that he's hurting his sister. And as part of dealing with the problem, you *also* include a sense of caring for others. I believe that we are dealing with similar issues here.




Edited 5/30/2005 10:15 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 9:16pm

>>Besides, you shouldn't rely on another person for self-esteem. It should come from within<<

>>And if those women are suffering from low self-esteem, then sleeping with someone for a temporary high isn't the answer<<

I absolutely agree with these two statements. They are both sensible and rational. However, not all of us are 100% sensible and rational all of the time. I know that I'm not!! Sure you may not cheat, but we've given you self esteem boosts from time to time....so even you cannot soley rely on yourself for a self esteem boost when needed. I remember you feeling unattractive etc etc. You are fortunate that you have the sense to seek an ego boost here, but for some who's backgrounds taught them to seek a boost using sexual influences, it's not that simple.

>>Don't come crying for support when you've stepped out of your marriage. Don't say you love your husband and then sleep with someone else. Don't say you love him and then turn around and say you don't.<<

Is it really so bad to make a mistake and ask for help? Someone may have stepped out of their marriage and realised that what they've done is so wrong and so they then turn to others for help. And it is us who can provide a crutch while assisting them to clearly see what they are doing. However, if we are aggressive in our approach, they will naturally become defensive. Also, some of what you wrote above is a description of confusion. We can help them to sort through the confusion and see more clearly.

>>And I apologize for battering someone's self-esteem when they've already drug themselves as low as they could go. For those who cheat, have cheated, will cheat-that's your business. If you don't want to hear what some of us may have to say with out holding your hand and telling you that cheating is ok, don't broadcast.<<

I'm not sure that anyone really wants to hear that cheating is OK. Instead, what they are seeking is support and empathy. Do you think that a more appropriate reply could be "Yes, I really get how hard this is for you....let's talk about it further"....and work towards uncovering the issues that make the OP feel like cheating is the only answer.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 9:25pm
<<>>

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:26pm

I am going to have to agree with jennie on this one. I think it is wrong under any circumstance. I had to grow up in a house where one of my parents had affairs on all their spouses. (Yes there were multiple marriages due to the cheating) As a child I witnessed it with my own eyes. And maybe that is why I feel so strongly against it. I had to keep the secret for my parent because I had seen what I was not supposed to.
Don't get me wrong, I have compassion for people in a bad relationship, but I don't think that cheating makes anything better. I can't see why people can't get out of the relationship rather than have an affair. I myself, know that I would never do that to my husband despite how awful he was. I would leave him.

I am not trying to anger anyone--just wanted to put in my 2 cents. Thank You.
~Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 05-30-2005 - 10:59pm

I don't think that anyone on this thread is saying that cheating is OK. And yes, I think that we all agree that it's better to fix a relationship or leave rather than to cheat. It's the right and rational thing to do.

However, people in distress...those who are confused...those who have suffered abuse...those with self esteem issues....they can all act irrationally. It's a fact of life that most of us are irrational at some stage. We just show it in different ways. Yes, we can seek help for being irrational, but sometimes we seek help only when we are at the lowest of lows.

Look for example at women who have anorexia. Like cheaters, they are not thinking rationally. Like cheaters, they make excuses for their behaviour. Like cheaters, they harm themselves and their families - but we give them sympathy and help. What is the difference? Why can't we extend the same support to irrational cheaters as we do for irrational body image issues?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace

Pages