cheaters and compassion
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| Sun, 05-29-2005 - 10:58pm |
We have had a recent group of threads about cheating, and many of the replying posts seem to be extremely judgemental in reply.
Could I ask that we take a moment to consider the state of mind of many a cheating woman? Many attacking replies talk about love and respect - but I'm thinking that it would be very difficult to love and respect a partner if you don't love and respect yourself first.
Perhaps the cheating woman is the product of sex abuse or carnal knowledge. Perhaps she grew up in a household without a good male role model. Perhaps she's got so little self esteem that she sleeps around in an effort to feel loved.
When we attack these posters (and let's face it, there have been some blantantly rude posts in reply), are we actually helping these women? If their self esteem is already so low that they sleep around to find acceptance, how will us beating them up further help them? If anything, I think it would do more damage than good.
While I don't for one moment think that posters should condone the cheating, perhaps compassion may be more appropriate than attack? Surely helpful discussion would be more fruitful to help them understand the dynamics of their ways than the attacks that we currently see. Yes, we will get trolls from time to time who discuss cheating just to get a rise out of posters, but we also get real people posting with real issues.
May I remind you of one of the basic rules of humanity? "May those who have never sinned cast the first stone"

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I had a friend. She was my best friend. Her husband was my best friend. I've known them since before they were a couple. And, she cheated on him once. I felt sorry for her. She cheated on him a third time. I felt sorry for her. Then, she cheated on him a third time. And, I didn't feel sorry for her because she didn't learn the first two times. She saw how hurt it made her SO. She took that hurt and ran with it. She slept with his best friend for months because "he made her feel good, but her SO didn't." She had already justified it in her mind. And when he broke off their engagement, called her a sl*t, and went running to me for support (moral, mind you. I don't cross lines like that) it was still all about her. HE broke up with HER for no reason, in her mind. HE had HURT HER, which made cheating ok..IN HER MIND. She had justified it and lied to herself and lied to herself. She couldn't break free. So, she came running to me. I didn't help her. I can't help someone who doesn't realize the errors of their ways and who doesn't want to change, but wants approval for their lying, deceitful actions. To this day, she has tried cheating on him three more times. But, I stopped her. Why repeat a behavior that doesn't reward you? She saw her mother cheat on her father as a child and she saw her father welcome her mother back in. In her mind, her husband will always do the same.
Once the behavior has been learned, has been justified, and has suffered no consequences it'll continue. Its hard to break an old habit and learn a new one.
A little more history about my past marriage.
I begged my DH to help me improve the marriage....but he wouldn't change anything. He knew that I was a cheater and that I wanted to leave, but he begged me to stay. I knew that if I left him, he'd fall to pieces. Quite frankly, I would have left a lot earlier had he not begged me to stay.
(If my saying that he'd fall to pieces without me - despite my cheating - sounds arrogant, please read on. After I finally did leave - against his wishes - he did fall apart. It's now nearly 13 years since we broke up and he still hasn't moved on. He can barely get himself out of the house, and is so thin that he looks positively ill.)
People talk about either fixing things or leaving...yes, it's the right thing to do, but it's not always that easy. If your partner won't help to fix things, but begs you to stay. If you're depressed and can barely function on a day-to-day basis - making a life change is nearly impossible. If you go to the doctors and counsellors seeking help but are unable to find the pieces to the jigsaw puzzle. If the doctors don't diagnose the depression, despite you regularly arriving for help and falling to pieces in their office. Sometimes, people can fall into such a deep dark hole and finding a way out isn't that simple.
Aisha, I think that your stiuation is a little different. You had a medically recognised condition - so right from the start your judgement was clouded. It's really a different situation from your "normal" profile of someone that cheats. So in that situation, yes, I think that compassion is needed. There are other forces at work that make the issue more complicated. The pain is causes isn't any different, but at least the reasoning behind the WHY provides a better understood explanation.
However, your 'normal' cheater makes the decisions and is aware of the consequences. Sure they might be caught up in the moment but they still make that concious decision to go all the way, to NOT stop, and to cheat. Again, ego and selfishness. It's certainly selfish in that moment of choice when they decide to dismiss, ignore or delay thinking about the serious consequences of the choice they are making. They know their action has consequences but they choose to cheat anyway. So I don't feel that a great deal of compassion is needed when dealing with someone that cheats under normal circumstances - after-all, where was their compassion and understanding when they made the fateful decision?
If they were truly unhappy with the current relationship we all know that it is much better, if not difficult in practice, to sort out the problems in the relationship or to end the relationship before choosing cheating. A bad relationship might be a reason but it is not an excuse. Too many people end up rationalising their way out of it with the thousand and one different excuses for doing it because they couldn't face telling their current partner that they had decided to have sex with another person - basically that they choose to end the terms of the current relationship.
I very much see where you're coming from, however, I prefer to give posters the benefit of the doubt.
Yes, I was in the midst of depression - but I was not diagnosed 15 years ago. Depression seems to have become far more fashionable and diagnosable in the last decade or so ;-)
If I had come to this board seeking help back then, I would have presented as a basket case. I would not have had a depression dx. I would have been one of the posters who had a myriad of problems who didn't think to discuss the big picture because I couldn't see how each problem would relate to the others. I may well have presented as defensive of my actions and making many excuses. My husband wasn't abusive, just neglectful of my needs and I had a lot of trouble identifying the issues.
I suppose that I'm wondering if there is such thing as a "normal" cheater. Rather, based on my own experiences, I'm inclined to believe that many cheaters would often have a whole basket of 'issues' that need addressing. How else can we explain the lack of self respect, empathy and caring?
I look back at how far I've come in 15 years and I believe that very few people are beyond helping....when they are ready to listen. And yes, I know there are some nutters out there who cannot be helped.
>>To answer your question....I think that at some point the addict has to realize that they can't run or hide from the substance. They have to realize that it's all around them, always there for the taking. I know alcoholics who still socialize in bars. I smoked when I was young, and I quit. Cigarettes abound me. ;-)<<
Answering further for the sake of clarity. I do have male friends, but not CLOSE friends. I see men every day in all walks of my life...but the friendships are no closer than simple pleasantries. The only man I allow myself to become emotionally close to is my DH.
The analogy for an alcoholic? Yes, she socialises in bars...but she holds a glass of coke.
>>Sometimes its hard to see what consequences your actions have when it feels so good. I'm not defending anyone who cheats, but I'm saying that it can be hard to feel empathy when you're so caught up in me! me! me! feelings. You can sit there and try to get a cheater to empathize with their mate until you're blue in the face. But, they won't listen because they can't see beyond that cloud of addiction. They are so caught up in what makes them feel good that everyone else has paled and become invisible. They are wrapped up in what they want and what they "need" that their partners, their family become nothing.<<
YES, YES, YES. A perfect description. And a very good explanation of why it's pointless to reason with a cheater. You've got to address the issues that make them cheat in the first place. Tackling the "what about the SO" issue is putting the horse before the cart.
>>Once the behavior has been learned, has been justified, and has suffered no consequences it'll continue. Its hard to break an old habit and learn a new one.<<
Another great observation.
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