Cheating
Find a Conversation
Cheating
| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:13pm |
Has anyone here ever cheated? why? Did the person you cheated on stay with you? Do you think men cheat more than women, or vice versa?
| Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:13pm |
Pages
If you only cheat when you know the relationship is really over with any way, then why not stand up and end it
>>I find it funny that in your one statement you said "I like being honest".<<
That one made me scratch my head too. honest, but he cheats and then lies because he doesn't want to fess up. Not my idea of an honest person.
wow! well, let me be specific about what the situations and details were when i cheated, didn't feel i had to in the first post, just wanted to randomly share my experience. probably did so in a shallow way, but looks like u guys are relating a half told (or maybe badly told) story to something i don't identify myself with at all. it's understandable and probably a lack of comunication from me, but how can u judge someone from a very vague post?
anyway:
1st time i was 19: i'm from rome, italy and had met a gorgeous 24 year old from perugia, city which is about 2 1/2 hrs away. we both really liked each other, i couldn't even believe such a cute and older girl could be interested in me, but we clicked right away. problem is she was leaving for copenhagen for 6 months like a week after we met to complete her thesis at a university there. i ended up going there shortly after and staying almost the whole 6 months. it was the first time living on our own for both of us and we were both exploring many things. at the time i had money of my own from an insurance which had refunded me after a motorbike accident, so i didn't have to depend on my parents, was living with a woman in a beautiful european capital, could do whatever i wanted, everyday was a party for us. we really enjoyed the situation, but we were both totally out of our natural environment, it was like a prolongued, strange, unlikly yet beautiful vacation.
after a while i had to go back home for my summer exams and she returned shortly afterwards. when we were both back, each in his/her own city, it was all very different. we both gradually grew a lot colder, weren't seeing each other, neither of us ever drove or took a train to see the other and also gradually called each other a lot less.
after some weeks of this, shortly before an exam, i saw this incredibly beautiful girl at university, amazing personality, had everyone around her trying to flirt etc... i was totally fascinated and intimidated by her at the same time. wouldn't have dared even talking to her. the day of the exam she sits next to me and starts chatting. she was way more confident than me. i had never challenged myself to being close to someone like that, but was incredibly attracted.
at the end of the day, there were too many students and my exam ends up being pushed to the next day and she offers to go to her place to study. we get there, study for a bit, talk a lot and end up making out. touching, kissing, rubbing. no intercourse. i was completely hooked, had never liked someone like that before and she ended up becoming one of the most important people in my life. stayed with her for a while and had a much deeper connection with her than anyone i'd ever been with before. and it was evident to me from the first moments we talked who she was/could be.
the next day i called the other girl and we talked. we both thought and knew we'd grown apart, both had other things going on in our "normal life" which were very different from copenhagen, as far as i know she could've been seeing someone else (and kinda thought so) and didn't feel it was necessary for her to know i'd just met someone who had totally rocked my world. it ended there.
2nd time i was 23: after the university girl and after months of loneliness, sadness and a rollercoaster kinda relationship, i met this really sweet, gentle, tender girl with whom i've had the longest relationship i've ever been in. she was slowly and with difficulty recovering from anorexia, depression and the suicide of her best friend. she had suffered a lot of strong blows all together, was a virgin at 26, had infinite issues about her body, being comfortable with it, being comfortable and intimate with someone else.
i loved cuddling with her, her need of warmth and the love i was getting back from her. and yes, i also loved the idea that maybe i could be the one who could help her open up and grow a little more confident. we gradually made a lot of "giant baby steps" and learned a lot from each other, she slowly did start opening up and exploring sexulity.
boy did we talk! about everything. she was very open and curious and i learned an infinity of things from her and also got her to read a lot, got her to read from internet sex tip sites very similar to this one, gave her books. but i never ever put any pressure on her, it was all very delicate. was just trying to stimulate curiosity and only started after she had already opened up quite a bit.
and every time she ventured out of her shell and grew a little bit more confident i was the happiest guy on earth. but still, it was a very slow and complicated process.
after a year and a half of rare and lights off sex, lotsa oral sex giving and not even once receiving, only missionary, never having her initiating sex or touching me, many orgasms from her, very few from me... even though i truly adored every moment with her, i started realizing i was missing a lot of things. i let her now, as gently as i could, but she just wasn't ready. and i respected that. i tried every way i knew to make her understand we could share so much more, but the more time passed, the more i was missing all the things a full relationship can be.
at work this hot sexy flirty chick was giving me (and half of the other guys) naughty looks from a while. i couldn't care less the whole time. but when my b-day came up, at the end of the day, i offered everyone spumante and went to look for her, poured her a glass and gave her a kiss.
the way she reacted to the kiss, held me, how sexy she was, made it obvious to me i needed something different and though i had put sex and my own needs and satisfaction second place happily and knowingly, after a year and a half my hormones were going insane.
it now was a complete priority and i knew i couln't satisfy all that any time soon with the gf.
the next day i went to see her, talked openly, told her i was starting to get interested in others and couldn't help it and that though i adored many things many her, i really needed to move on.
did i also have to mention i had kissed a hot chick whose hard nipples, hand on my butt and the way she was rubbing against my hard-on made it more obvious to me i was missing sex in a very serious way? maybe, i chose not to.
did i end up with that chick? we flirted a bit like a week after, but no we never clicked and never had sex. the next relationship and sex i had was months after. but i felt better that way. my gf was really hurt and i felt terrible, but i didn't feel like staying with her anymore and understood it and made my mind up only after that night.
are u all capable of understanding yourselves fully just reading into yourselves? me? not always. at the time i couldn't. i had to hit a wall to understand i was going towards one. but i learned a lot from myself on those occasions.
by the way, this ex gf is now happily into the 4th or 5th year of a relationship, from mutual friends of ours i know she is now living a very normal, healthy, sexual life and talks about it with them. she probably met the right guy. i see myself as a first step for her into that direction and am very happy for her. we randomly meet and have no resentment or harsh feelings twds each other. she's still good friends with my parents...
3rd time 27, last year: (forgot about this one in my original post!! different kinda cheating, not the break-up one...)
last year i dated a beautiful girl for a cpl moths, i'll call her T. i was her affair, she had a boyfriend who she met here but lives in belgium, so it was a long distance thing. she wasn't very happy with him, or so it seemed. we went for a while, but never became official. but after a bit we were always together and matter of factly bf-gf. for the last cpl of weeks we really had a great time and i really believed she was gonna leave him for me. was hoping to spend a long time with her and seemingly so was she.
xmas comes up, we were cuddling and making love all the time... i spend xmas eve with my parents and can't wait for xmas day to see her and give her all the stuff i made and bought for her, we had plans to spend the night together. when i call to tell her i'm coming over, she tells me to meet her at the train station cuz she's about to leave for france to spend a cpl weeks at her boyfriend's parents house.... totally outta da blue. i was devastated. we didn't speak for over a month. some time after she's back we spoke a cpl times and bumped into each other. but i was too hurt, didn't even wanna talk to her.
time passes and in march i meet my current gf, D. we hit off right away, great sex, but things are a bit uncertain at the beginning for various reasons, age difference, other stuff...
well, after like 2 weeks i'm seeing D, T pops back outta nowhere, wants to see me. we meet like the following night, i had been thinking about her for months and needed to clarify my feelings for her. she now is the one that wants to get back together, we talk for hours, i tell her i'm seeing someone else and that i'm happy. saying good bye, we hug and kiss on the lips. i wanted to make sure what that felt like. i wanted to know and feel i was making the right decision.
it was a farewell kiss, the closing of a chapter, of something that was never really finished till then. now i knew for certain that it was.
have i told D? no. we were still too much at the beginning of things when it happened and it was much more linked to the need of finishing something from the past which at the time was still very important to me. i could easily talk to her about it now if i felt the need to. but i don't. i don't need her to know that one night, at the very beginning of our relationship, i met, spoke to and kissed goodbye with someone i had been with and felt a lot for untill very little before meeting her.
have i ever cheated on her after? no. do i want to? no. could care less. am incredibly happy to have found her and of what we have.
that's it!! sorry for the incredibly long post. don't if anyone's gonna actually read the whole thing!... did i break a record?
please though, just don't assume u know what i'm like, who i've cheated on, how, who with and why if i haven't mentioned it specifically. make a comment, a harsh one, no prob, but why draw conclusions when u don't know me or under what circumstances things occurred?
ciao.
Edited 2/15/2005 10:07 pm ET ET by pasta_e_ceci
Me personally, I've never cheated. But have been cheated on. I never did stick around after finding out. I think, and this is just my opinion, that men cheat more than women and the reason I said that is because I believe women put more into the relationship then a man does.
I'm not saying women don't cheat, i just think men do it more.
For some it's just because they can get away with it, it's the thrill of it all.
This is a lession learned the hard way by many people...Lasting relationships have a lot more substance than just great sex.. As the sexual phase of a new relatonship dulls, there had better be more of a connection, a deep friendship, and sense of commitment or one will certianly look elsewhere for their "newness" fix....Many people never do find "the one" because they think that a relationship should always be like a new one is for the first couple months.... In a good relationship things do change, only for the better, once a mature mind takes over.
I'm going to play the "Going Insane Housewife Who Is 4 Months Pregnant and Alone With A Five Yr. Old" card and say that my bad mood and hormones took the best of me. I judged to harshly and therefore I apologize for overly expressing an opinion in a negative manner. I shouldn't have been so harsh nor should I have judged you w/o fully understanding where you were coming from. I apologize.
Your first incident I don't really think is cheating..You both weren't talking to eachother. I'd have assumed the relationship was over and that you were free to move on. Besides, how do you know she wasn't seeing other guys? I don't think that's cheating.
The second one was a little cheaty, but you were honest by saying you wanted to move on and see others. A couple of brownie points there.
The third one, you weren't in the wrong totally. She was cheating on her SO with you. She disappears then reappears.
Again, my apologies.
I cheated once. My ex lived in Raliegh. I lived in Asheville. We had been friends since I was 15 and he was 17. We knew eachother because he dated my best friend and she wanted to hook me up with him. After 4 years, we finally hooked up. At first it was just phone calls. Then I made the 4 hour drive to see him. I was the one doing all the work. I was getting no emotional fulfillment from the relationship. I wasn't satisfied. He wasn't satisfied. We talked about how unhappy we were but he told me it was all my fault and that I needed to change or else he'd leave me. This infuriated me because I always felt that a relationship is about equal amounts of work. I always felt that both partners should work together and change together to make a relationship stronger and last longer. So, when he told me it was my fault and that I needed to change I got angry. I did my best to change. Then one day at work I met my DH. I looked up and there was a pair of gorgeous blue eyes attached to a very handsome man. I flirted. He flirted. We had lunch a week later. Two weeks later he came to my house and we ended up discovering that we had feelings for one another. After he came over that night and we shared plenty of kisses, I called my boyfriend. I admitted to what I did, stated that I felt that the relationship be over on grounds that we a)weren't working b)my infidelity. We broke up. He's married to a woman from his town. I'm married and expecting my first child.
Did I learn my lesson? Yeah. He was hurt about it and I didn't like that I hurt my friend. But, I felt that it was a lesson I needed to learn. I learned it. I never haved cheated on DH. Not now, not ever. A relationship needs to start with respect and trust. Without either you can't bring in love. A relationship can't sustain itself on just love alone. It needs trust, honesty, loyalty, respect, understanding, compassion, commitment, friendship, and then love. If you remove the trust through affairs then you remove the rest of the foundation used to build a relationship. I love my husband, respect my husband, understand my husband, have compassion for my husband, am committed to my husband, and love my husband as a friend too much to want to ever think about sleeping with someone else. Nobody could give me the type of emotional and physical fulfillment that my husband gives me.
Been a tad busy lately, but giving you a great big CONGRATS on your eventual successful marriage is something that is NEVER late IMHO, LOL! ;)
Very happy for you! I'm just an old sucker for nice comeback stories like that...good for you!
:)
:)
:)
C H A R A C T E R
Pages