Cheating -- can we all be honest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Cheating -- can we all be honest?
62
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:00am

OK, I love my husband very much and would never want to leave him or hurt him. However, I am currently involved in a romantic relationship with a man from work (I'm a 32 y/o school teacher with two kids.) My husband has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA -- I am very, very, VERY careful.

We have had sex on my desk as early as last week -- yes at school. I know it's a little wild, but I anyways . . . and we also have sex in his car. Please everyone resist the urge or trying to give me advice as to how to fix my relationship problems with my husband -- I already know what they are.

what I don't know is, how many other women out there cheat, even if it was just a one-time fling. I feel guilty but not enough to stop, and I know I can't be the only woman in America who feels this way.

because I DO feel guilty, i'm trying to get a feel for how many other women explore as I have. I don't need anybody to fix my problems -- just to talk about their experiences with this. as for the men -- listen, too bad. women cheat, OK, just like you do. deal with it or make us happy and make us feel the way we should feel for keeping your home and giving you the gift of children.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:06am
Tish, imagine that. Men who don't cheat. According to Jake all men have the desire to cheat. Well...then if that was true(I'm not saying it is) wouldn't that mean that men who cheat are mere simpletons? That those who don't(who remain faithful) are exceptional and strong willed men. Not to mention, men of integrity.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:27am

Yes, that's the way I look at it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 11:30am
Didn't you notice my voice got deeper? ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:24pm

>> I have cheated before, and every single person I know whether an accountant, or lawyer, or doctor, or pastor has cheated. every one.<<

That's got to be a generalisation. I have no doubt that many men cheat, but I find it rather difficult to believe that EVERY single man that you know has cheated. Maybe it's birds of a feather?

Amongst my male friends and acquaintances some have cheated, one or two that I know of are in the process of cheating. But the majority that I am aware of have never cheated. Odd. Maybe that evens out the statistics that every guy that you know has cheated?

I have no doubt that many have the desire at times, but I don't think that automatically qualifies someone as a cheater or that they would automatically cheat if guranteed to get away with it. But then how many women would cheat with a guy that they thought was hot, if guaranteed to get away with it? That would be interesting to know.

As for the idea that "proof" is a threesome? That's stupid. A threesome requested by the wife is not proof of wanting to cheat. It can't be. Cheating is having sex sex with another person without your partners knowledge or consent. A threesome is a mutually agreed arrangement. That's not cheating.

All guys remain interested in attractive women and often think about having sex with other women. Married guys aren't dead. Of course they desire other women at times. I think that you'll find a satisfied, happily married guy will not want to cheat. It's not always about only being stopped because he'll be caught.




Edited 5/19/2005 7:31 pm ET ET by westridge2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:21am

Geez, stay away for half a day, and all the good stuff gets deleted. I've had a week from hell, and I could have used a few more laughs!

To the OP....strange, you start out this post by saying you "love" your husband, and would never want to leave him or hurt him....Then in your second post it all changes.
"No, I don't OWE him anything but what he married me for." I guess he married you to have a brood mare, be a houskeeper, laundress and cook....and make you tolerate his hateful mother.

Then you go on to say that "love" is a joke. I guess your opening was a joke, too.....

I think you and Jake1010 should hook up.....you two mysogenists would make a good pair!

I read recently that 60% of married men, and 40% of married women cheat. Sounds reasonable to me. So I guess that 40% of married men and 60% of married women are really stupid.....they ought to get with it! Or is it possible that in addition to "thinking" they're in love with their partner, they might ACTUALLY respect their partner, and even respect themselves?

Everyone who cheats has to justify their actions to themselves. Justify away guys......if it makes you happy. That doesn't mean that anyone else has to buy your justifications.

Sex on the desk? Interesting. Wonder what school system THAT is! Or in the car....is the guy too cheap to spring for a motel room? Well, maybe when I get old enough.....I'll understand that "love" is a crock. I'll be 70 this year....maybe in the next year or two?
By the way, I'm a woman, masquerading as a woman!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 8:26am
<>

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:45am

Here, GTB, these are all my posts deleted for no reason at all-edited for content..Here we go:

#: 17051.7 in response to 17051.4 from: jenniekg to: wy_emilie date: 9:49 am replies: 34 "Thou shalt forsake all others, but I don't have to." You DO owe your husband the knowledge of the affair and the option to leave. You do owe him a clean break, too. You chose to marry him, so I'm assuming at some point in time you did love him. If you didn't love him, you should have sought a way to repair the damage before it got to this point. I nurture my husband's child, wash his clothes, feed him dinner, support him in any way possible, put up with his hateful mother, and still find time at the end of the day to look at my husband and say to myself, "I love him, I love him, I love him." And, before you can fire back at me--I don't care what you have to say about me because nothing you say has any effect on me. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=17051.32 re: Cheating -- can we all be honest? emoticon: message #: 17051.32 in response to 17051.31 from: jenniekg to: rain_dancer_iam date: 11:36 am replies: 34 Ya know, now that Tish mentions it, I did notice a slight change in your voice. I must be naive if I didn't know you had a sex change. Man, I've been living under a rock. I guess I better dust off the "for sale" sign, hop down to Wal-Mart, and buy myself a clue.. Reality check, aisle three! http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=17051.34 re: Cheating -- can we all be honest? emoticon: message #: 17051.34 in response to 17051.33 from: jenniekg to: rosewater99 date: 11:47 am replies: 34 Shh! You can't let Jake know that not all men fit into the stereotype of "cheater." We must believe that some men live happily in their caves, only coming out to beat an unsuspecting victim over the head with a club, drag her back to their caves, and then sleep with her for the mere pleasure of it before their brides comes back to catch them in this infidel act. Crap, they've been outed. Well, I guess now we can all say all men are cheating neanderthals. Its a vicious cycle.

I think I've edited all my mean posts into happy posts. That took a lot of work. And when I re-read them I realized just how mean I was..Oooeee!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:47am

You're a woman masquerading as a woman? *gasps and falls over* Oh, the horrors of such things! *L*

Eh, you're not going to be 70. You're too hip for that..(pardon the pun if you've had a hip replacement)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 10:38am
I forget who said "birds of a feather", but they hit the nail on the head with that comment...People of low self esteem, and of little or no value system, seem to think that there are no other people out there who live their lives as a principled, happy, fulfilled, contented, honorable and commited people.
Thses "birds" stand for nothing , therefore they will fall for anything, and they rationalize their misinformation about all people cheating as "everyone else is doing it so its ok for me to do it".(as long as Im happy and my SO doesnt find out)How sad is that to live that way.
The original poster said something about only young people are in love, but it doesnt last...That is incorrect..its your commitment and value system that has collapsed. You have changed you mind for whatever reason..After all love IS a decision, it involves values, commitment, emotions and energy. Another word that comes to mind is is character.. Meaning doing the right thing even when you dont have to. ( not cheating even tho you know you wouldnt get caught)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:10am
You could give me all the money in the world and I wouldn't dare lay down with another man that isn't my husband. I love him, I respect him, I care about his feelings, and I cherish our relationship. If I didn't love him and I wanted casual sex with various strangers, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him or entered into a relationship with him. I was taught to be honest and cheating isn't honest. Its lying to yourself and to your mate. Why would I do something that hurts someone's feelings if I know how I would feel if my DH did it to me? I may be young, but I'm not too young to understand commitment, honesty, trust, and loyalty in a marriage. I know that my DH loves me and cares for me. He's a handsome man. He could have any woman he so desires, but he chose me. And he sticks with it. I could cheat on him, but then that means I don't love him as deeply as I should and that I'm not honest. Hurting people isn't kosher.
I once had a friend who cheated on her fiance. They had been together for 6 years at that point. She cheated on him with his best friend. I found out because (we were seniors in HS at that point) she had left some notes to another friend in my ELPS book (her class was before mine, I shared). I confronted her and the guy with the notes. She begged me not tell her fiance. I looked at her and told her that I wasn't responsible for cheating on him and that I wasn't responsible for telling him. I told her that if she felt that bad about sleeping with his best friend, that she'd have to tell him. It went on for a month. He found out because she was stupid enough to save messages between the other guy and her on her computer. Her fiance sort of lived with her and her family, so he was using the computer to check e-mail. He found the messages because he had a suspicious feeling that something was up. Was he ever right. He broke up with her, but they are now married and good friends with the other guy who is gay (I'd be gay too if I had to sleep with her *shudders*). Her excuse for cheating was that her fiance was never there and that he was cruel to her. His reposnse to that was he called her ENTIRE family to let them know what a person she was. Her response was to cry and beg him for forgiveness..Told him she was sorry and that she'd never do it again. He told her to choose between him and the other guy. I'd have left. It was the third time she cheated on him for crying out loud. She still hasn't learned either. I can guarantee you that she has attempted to cheat several times. she has met guys off the internet before while with him. You'd think she'd learn. Nope. So, once a cheater always a cheater. Make up your excuses, but it doesn't flow.

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