Confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Confused?
33
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 12:16pm
Ok, I have this personal problem that I can't figure out...so here it goes, Anytime that I get close to someone as in ( a friendship and nothing more!) I get upset if one of my close friends starts becoming close to someone else, why, I think it's because I'm afraid of losing my friend to someone else and I get very upset and all emotional about, and YES I DO understand that my friends have every right to hang out with other people and everything, It's just that it still upsets me inside, like whenever I ask someone to hang out they're like well I might have plans with so and so and I'm like Well I asked you the same thing 2 weeks ago and they're like I know but, blah ,blah, blah and it just drives me nuts, like sometimes it feels like they want to be with those people other than me!!! I have told my friends how I felt and they say that's not true or whatever it just still makes me upset though and I'm not sure how to over come that...it's hard....and making new friends is NOT the answer because that is easier said then done....and I don't really want to, it's hard for me to trust people and say things that only my friends would understand...it's complicated...does anyone have any suggestions or advice?!?! Please help...Thanks...!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:17pm

You said you get all upset and emotional when this happens, do you get like that around them?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: ilauren1666
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:29pm
It sounds like you have a number of friends already - which is good. Lets take a friend of yours - lets call her Anna.

You have to realise that Anna probably has other friends that she met before you. Anna's friends are going to be wondering why she wants to hang out with you and they will get worried just like you do! Anna's friends are going to be wondering if Anna wants to hang out with YOU more than she does with them.

You can see that you're not the only person that has these problems. Everyone has them. What can you do about it? Not much really. It's not fair to pressure your friends and make them have to choose you over another bunch of friends.

The best thing to do is to make more friends and organise things that involve you, Anna AND her other friends. Parties, going to concerts or seeing bands, going to social events and stuff organised by schools, universities and things. Everyone can get together and have a good time. At the same time you are meeting new people and you all become part of a bigger group of friends.

It sounds like you are putting pressure on your friends and you are nagging too. For example, you talk about asking someone again about making plans. And then you say "Well I asked you the same thing 2 weeks ago". I suspect that you are saying it in a way that is accusing and makes them feel guilty.

That's fine to a degree if it was confirmed plans or something that they had committed to two weeks ago. But if it was just to go to a movie or to go shopping then it's not worth hassling people about it. And it's not worth giving them the ol' "But you should feel guilty because I'm going to be left alone" treatment. All that you will do is make them feel guilty and bug them. Who wants to be around someone that makes them feel bad or that nags all the time? Or acts too clingy?

I suggest that you stop worrying and start including more people in your plans. Instead of inviting just your close friends, do stuff that can include their other friends. Ask your friends to bring other people that they know along. Be friendly to everyone. Just because you meet someone and don't know them that well it isn't a reason that you shouldn't include them in what you are doing. Make a point of talking to other people. Don't expect your friends to include you all the time. Make a point of doing stuff yourself and inviting people. Don't be a hanger-on and expect people to do stuff for you - they get tired of that. Be the person that does stuff for other people.

Stop clinging to people and get out there and enjoy yourself. You know the type of girl that is popular and has lots of friends - she's happy, bubbly, and is ALWAYS friendly. She's just a nice, fun person to be around and she always has an idea for something to do. Be more like her and don't worry about friends that pass in the night. You will eventually make some very good friends that, despite doing their own thing at times, will always make time for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:57pm
I am an outgoing, fun, bubbly, kind of person I do try and be nice to everyone and I believe in giving everyone a chance and I have, personally I don't like MY friend's, friends that's why I don't invite them...they aren't the kind of people I want to hang around with and I don't feel comfortable around them either. And I do make time for myself I love being alone sometimes but only when Im in the mood to be, lately I have been wanting to hang out with my friends and do stuff...but they have all been busy with THEIR friends and it's hard when you want to be with your friends and they're busy with others....then that makes me sad and makes me feel the way that I do...and it's werid with me like some days I wanna hang out with a certain person and others I don't and then other days I wanna hang out with two or more people it's on and off with me when it comes to who and who I feel like hanging out with...so I have no idea what to do still...I mean like you said there isn't much I can do, and I suppose your right it's not fair to make them feel guilty, but why not?!?!? I like doing that sometimes!!! What do you think!?!?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 4:14pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 4:23pm
Thanks for your input Tish, you seem to give good advice around these boards!!! Keep up the good work. It's werid I can give advice and tell others what to do to help them but you can never do that for yourself or at least I can't. Anyway, honestly I have no Idea why I get that way, I suppose it's becuz I get scared of losing a friend because when I was In HS I had a good friend named Amanda and we were like paper and glue, never apart, and all of a sudden she started making and hanging out with new people and that just hurt because I was used to it just being us, it was like I was her only friend at the time, and once she started hanging out with new people I got all upset and we got into a fight and I tryed to do everything I could to keep the friendhship but she eneded it she didn't want anything to do with me anymore and we were friends for 3 years and it was very hard for me to move on becuz she was the only person I ever hung out with during those three yrs and I felt alone, for a while, but yeah I eventually made new friends and everything and I guess I don't want that ever happening again to me...so yeah I do show that I'm upset when I ask them stuff or I see them around at work or outside but I show anger not sadness...but I still feel like im losing a friend when they hang out with others... I just don't know how to over come that feeling it's very hard for me! I just wish I could find a friend who would always want to spend there time with me, but nooo I can never find that....for example my friend steph has her close friend daneille, courtney has samantha, amanda and nikki had each other, sarah and mikhail, jenny and rebecca, me and nobody all those people are my friends well steph, courtney, amanda was, sarah, and jenny the others weren't b/c I don't like them and Mikhail was but we ended our friendship (long story), and nikki was someone who i was somewhat friends with before,then lost touch, and now we're friends again...so yeah... I wish I could have someone who's close to me, who always wants to do something with me , but no...anyway thanks for that friends board I will check into it... any more suggestions or advice?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 8:58pm
Honestly, you need to look at yourself and perhaps analyze why people have behaved the way they have/do with you.

<>

So two major problems with this, one you need to make larger groups of friends or accept the fact that you aren't gonna have people around you all the time. I'm not the type of person to have a million friends, I tend towards small groups of close friends. But I accepted a long time ago, that realistically they aren't gonna spend every minute with me. So anyway, you need to either accept that you don't have many friends and you aren't always gonna have someone to chill with or make larger circles of friends. The second thing that you should perhaps look at is why she ended the friendship. Because a lot of people will end friendships if you are excessively jealous and make them feel guilty for having other friends...its drama they don't want to deal with, and you need to consider that before you lose friends (sorry trying to be honest, not harsh)


<>

Why do you show you're upset, its not fair to them...especially to be angry with them...the more you do that the less their gonna want to spend time with you. And the sooner you understand that, maybe the sooner you'll overcome these feelings of jealousy...and if not at least you should learn to hide them. And frankly its your own fault if you feel like you're losing a friend...your friends have their own lives and you need to understand that.

<> But even if you find that really good friend, they STILL GONNA HAVE thier own life. And you need to get that. Even if you did have a close friend who would rather spend time with you than anyone else, they're still gonna do things with other people sometimes, or do their own personal things, and you need to understand that. Or else you're always gonna have this jealous, angry attitude towards your friends and then no one is gonna want to be that kind of close friend with you.

Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, just honest, I've done what you're doing, for about a month, then I learned my lesson and got over it, and you're gonna have to do the same thing or there may be no one left.

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:46pm
Just bumping it up for ilauren
~Tish

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: ilauren1666
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:03pm
It seems that a big part of your problem is that you have got very insecure and are looking for a very close personal friend that wants to hang out with you every moment of every day. Or at least that's how you sound to me.

The trouble with having very close friends is that when they do want to do somethingelse you have noone that you can turn to. Or if there are problems between you you suddenly find yourself alone. I think that you need to find several good friends and spend more time socialising with a wider group of people.

I think that you are trying too hard to have one or two close friends. That doesn't happen that often. Most of us have several good friends and socialise in two or three different groups of people. Invariably you find that you feel like hanging out with group A but some of them are busy this weekend so you end up calling another good friend B or going out with Group C. You don't put all your eggs in one basket.

And quit making people feel guilty. I don't care if you LIKE doing it, the fact of the matter is that the people you are making feel guilty DON'T like it and will avoid you because of it. You are doing the very thing that you want to avoid - driving people away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:50pm

You have to understand that having a best friend doesn't mean the two of you are together all the time.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:35pm
Bumping up for ilauren
~Tish

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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