Confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Confused?
33
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 12:16pm
Ok, I have this personal problem that I can't figure out...so here it goes, Anytime that I get close to someone as in ( a friendship and nothing more!) I get upset if one of my close friends starts becoming close to someone else, why, I think it's because I'm afraid of losing my friend to someone else and I get very upset and all emotional about, and YES I DO understand that my friends have every right to hang out with other people and everything, It's just that it still upsets me inside, like whenever I ask someone to hang out they're like well I might have plans with so and so and I'm like Well I asked you the same thing 2 weeks ago and they're like I know but, blah ,blah, blah and it just drives me nuts, like sometimes it feels like they want to be with those people other than me!!! I have told my friends how I felt and they say that's not true or whatever it just still makes me upset though and I'm not sure how to over come that...it's hard....and making new friends is NOT the answer because that is easier said then done....and I don't really want to, it's hard for me to trust people and say things that only my friends would understand...it's complicated...does anyone have any suggestions or advice?!?! Please help...Thanks...!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:12pm
Thank you, whoever found my Msg post!! Yeah, I have read all of your comments...and I appreciate all of your insites...and now Im trying my best to accept that my friends have other friends too, and it's hard b/c there other friends are people I don't like because some of them have attitudes I can't stand and others are totally different than I 'am and I can accept that b/c I know there are people who aren't like me in this world, so that makes me feel very uncomfortable because I can't be myself when I'm around my friends's friends and I don't like that...yes...I have hung out with my friend's friends and thats how I found out I didn't like them....My one friend ( Jenny) told me she wished that her friends and I could hang out ( all of us together) because it would be easier on her but I told her no because I don't feel comfortable.... and about the guilty thing I think your right ( I dont remember who said it but it was a guy I think west something) I know if someone made me feel guilty for everything I did I wouldn't want to be there friend anymore either, but I just wish my friends could understand how that makes me feel ( they say they do but who knows) , it makes me feel like they don't want to be around me when they tell me they have other plans or are hanging out with someone else..and that's very hard for me to accept and I know they have other things and people to see, but I still am upset about it so I do something to make them feel guilty so they would feel bad and hang out or something and I KNOW that's very low to do, but I have no idea how to deal with that any other way....like to make them feel guitly I say oh well I guess I'll just kill myself or something or ha, I don't have any real friends, etc...and my one friend ( steph) said I don't appreciate your guilt trips, which I somewhat don't get...anyway...anymore suggestions...Im tryin my best to remember everything you all said!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: ilauren1666
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:48pm
>>I say oh well I guess I'll just kill myself or something or ha, I don't have any real friends, etc...and my one friend ( steph) said I don't appreciate your guilt trips, which I somewhat don't get...anyway...anymore suggestions..<<<

Why don't you get what Steph said to you about her not appreciating the guilt trips?

Put yourself in her shoes. You tell your friend Steph that you can't do anything with her this weekend because you've arranged to do something with another bunch of people. Steph then says to you "Yeah, that sucks. If you're not my friend then I guess that I don't have any friends. I might as well kill myself".

How do you suppose that would make you feel? Doesn't make you want to spend more time with Steph does it? Who wants to be bothered with a selfish little drama queen that makes you feel guilty about spending time with other people?


Why don't you get along with Jenny's other friends? What have they done to you to make you dislike them? What do they do that you don't like?

In some of these situations I hang out with my friend and go along with her when she hangs out with these other friends I dislike. I don't have to spend much (or any) time talking to them or pretending that I'm friends with them. I am polite, I talk to them, but I don't even bother thinking that I want to be friends with them. I am simply there to have a good time with my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:31pm
Just a suggestion here, have you ever considered getting into therapy?

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:33pm
Yeah, I guess your right about the guilty part , but I did apologize to steph but it still seems like she is kind of distant from me I mean when i ask her something she barely says anything now and it never was like that until I said that last week or whatever...so I dunno I think ill just let her come to me right?!?! And, for jenny 's friends I don't like becka's attitude its something I can't deal with...like if I say something she is always trying to be "smart" about it like a smart a*& remark and I know thats just how she is but I dont want to be around that and frank is her (beckas) bf which is jenny's friend too, and he always makes fun of me and is just down right rude and im not going to hang around people like that...thats why I do not like them...yet they always invite me along but I refuse cuz I know whats gonna happen...so im not falling for it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:42pm
what type of friendship r u looking for?????

let me know in detail
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:47pm
No, I don't consider therapy b/c I am happy with myself I like myself for who I am... I just get sad when i feel like I have no friends and I feel that way becuz I see them treat other people differently then they treat me and I'd like to be treated the same way sometimes, and dont say well maybe they treat you a certain way b/c you treat them like that, I treat my friends well I'm there for them when they need someone to listen to, and they tell me that they always like my advice, im a fun person to be around, im honest, and trustworhy, now see they treat people diff like when im trying to talk to them they will ignore me until i say there name like 9377385 times then they will finally listen, they greet other people all excitedly and not me, like when i hung out with jenny, and becka..jenny would be walking by becka and i would be futher apart form them and jenny and I have known eachother longer and that makes me feel distant from them... and to me if feels like they like there other friends more then me...you know? its hard!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:07pm
<>

Not to be offensive or anything but those aren't the only things that factor into being a good friend. Frankly from your posts, I can tell you why they treat you differently. You say you're fun to be around, but somebody who tells me they're gonna go kill themselves because I have other plans, which THEY do not partake in of their OWN choosing, is NOT fun to be around. In fact, when that happened it would be the end, a person who threatens their friends with their own suicide over some stupid plans is NOT fun to be around.

You say you're honest and trustworthy. Thats all well and good, but what about being patient, tolerant, and friendly. You can't stand their friends...thats not thier fault, thats YOUR problem, so you need to either get over it or accept that they ARE going to spend time with others, whether you choose to join them or not.

Lastly, from your posts you sound VERY VERY clingy, and frankly, annoying. You say yourself that if they won't listen to you, you "say there name like 9377385 times" do you realize how annoying that is!!! They're talking to someone else, wait your turn, and when they want to they'll talk to you. Repeating their name over and over is something a 4 year old does. And frankly, the more you do that the less they're gonna want to listen to you. I suggest you get more comfortable with yourself, and being by yourself, and being around other people that aren't you're favorite to be around. Thats the mature thing to do, and the more you continue this clingy, annoying behavior the more your friends are going to pull away.

<>

Like I said above, overtime they probably are starting to like their other friends better than you. Their other friends don't repeat their name a zillion times when they don't immediately respond, they can have other plans without getting guilt trips from their other friends, their other friends aren't clingy or intolerant of their other friends. Their other friends are more pleasant to be around than you are from the sound of it.

I'm really not trying to be mean, but everyone here has given you good suggestions and you're still not getting it. So maybe being blunt is the best way...change the way you treat your friends and stop being clingy, annoying, and cruel (guilt trips) or else you will not have any friends left. The way to stop being clingy...find more friends...join larger circles of people...join a club...get involved...stop depending so much on your friends.

And I really think Tish and Westridge are right...whether you like the way you are or not, it sounds like counseling would benefit you (your college probably has counseling resources)...talk to them, see what they say, maybe a professional would have better suggestions about what to do about your jealousy and insecurities than we would.

Good luck

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:38pm
I was wondering if the tantrum that you had when you couldn't find your post is "normal" for you? That type of behaviour is not going to help you win friends. Perhaps as well as counselling you could do with anger management and problem resolution?

I'm also wondering how perceptive you are to the conversations that are going on around you. You've posted a friendship issue on a sex board and then you get upset when people move onto more current, relevent topics. Everyone here deserves a chance to be heard, and so the new topics are on the top 10. It's about taking turns.

Not trying to be negative, but I do agree with alwaysaangel that the reasons people are not wanting to be around you are quite obvious from here.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:42pm
WOW! talk about blunt...but anyway thanks maybe I did need that.... I suppose I'm just afraid of losing my friends to other people so that is why I hang on so tightly...it's hard to let go of things, especially when your used to being with the same people over and over again and once they find other friends it's hard 2 overcome that feeling of them always being there...and yes I know I have said it many times myself I KNOW they have other friends and have every right to hang out with them too, but I DONT want them to forget me...and as far as my friend's friends >>>And frankly, the more you do that the less they're gonna want to listen to you. I suggest you get more comfortable with yourself, and being by yourself, and being around other people that aren't you're favorite to be around. Thats the mature thing to do, and the more you continue this clingy, annoying behavior the more your friends are going to pull away. <<< Why would i want to hang around people I am no comfortable with!??! There is no law saying I have to...and Im not going to set myself up to just get talked down upon...there is no reason for that... and I don't need to see a counselor, I know / realize I have friendship clingy problem, im NOT stupid...and im trying to give my friends their space and let them come to me...right? I mean thats probably the best thing to do, is let them come to me...for instance Jenny and I are hanging out this weekend and I reminded her to bring some $$ and shes like for what I go for saturday remember we're hanging out and shes like oh yeah I forgot Im like you forgot?!?! I was shocked by that...that made me feel sad....see also I dont feel important to my friends either I always go jenny, steph, do you guys love me ( you know as a FRIEND) they go yeah and I always have to ask them ,yet they blurt out to their other friends oh i love you or whatever...and during work i asked jenny Im like why dont you take your breaks with me anymore shes like I dont take my breaks with n-e one I go you just did, ( cuz I saw her and beca outside during break together going somewhere) I just wanted to say you liar but I didnt and they always be going on breaks she never does with me anymore, stuff like that just ticks me off...why...b/c she lied!!! ahh yeah my mother has said the same thing you guys have said...but its hard for me...its easier said then done!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:55pm
Well excuse me for trying to look for my post.. I didn't know that was such a crime these days.... Im NEW here thank you... I don't know much about msgs boards ( obviously) so forgive me!! dang! No kidding I know there are TONS of other ppl too, and I have responded to them also... its not like I want everyone just to pay attention to mine!!