Confused?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Confused?
33
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 12:16pm
Ok, I have this personal problem that I can't figure out...so here it goes, Anytime that I get close to someone as in ( a friendship and nothing more!) I get upset if one of my close friends starts becoming close to someone else, why, I think it's because I'm afraid of losing my friend to someone else and I get very upset and all emotional about, and YES I DO understand that my friends have every right to hang out with other people and everything, It's just that it still upsets me inside, like whenever I ask someone to hang out they're like well I might have plans with so and so and I'm like Well I asked you the same thing 2 weeks ago and they're like I know but, blah ,blah, blah and it just drives me nuts, like sometimes it feels like they want to be with those people other than me!!! I have told my friends how I felt and they say that's not true or whatever it just still makes me upset though and I'm not sure how to over come that...it's hard....and making new friends is NOT the answer because that is easier said then done....and I don't really want to, it's hard for me to trust people and say things that only my friends would understand...it's complicated...does anyone have any suggestions or advice?!?! Please help...Thanks...!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:02pm
Well, that's your opninion, I wasn't trying to be...I was a tad annoyed,that's all. And I never saw that posting by Tish and NOW that I have...I Thank You...and Sorry if I did upset you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: ilauren1666
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 4:48pm
OK, being constructive about this whole thing...

Actually that's the attitude that you should continue to take. Be constructive and positive about things. Don't dwell on the "what they did or said" aspect of your friends behaviour. Look at it positively and think about the "what can I do about it in a positive way".

You mentioned asking someone about how they didn't take their breaks with you anymore... yeah?

That in itself probably wasn't a good way of approaching it. Sure, you'd like to know why she is taking her breaks with other people but sometimes putting people on the spot like you did isn't a good way of dealing with it. And anyway, it doesn't really matter why she is or isn't having her breaks with you at the moment, does it? All that matters to you is that you'd like to continue having some breaks with her. Interrogating her isn't going to encourage her to spend time with you. She had to make up an excuse on the spot that wouldn't offend you. Perhaps what she really wanted to say was something like "I'm not taking my breaks with you at the moment because you have made me feel bad about something or have come on too strong about XXXX and I can't handle that attitude right now." Now, she's not going to say that to your face unless she's really fired up about it and pissed off.

What she said instead was "Uh. No I'm not". Then you said "Yes you are. I've seen you taking breaks with so and so." You put her on the spot again and grilled her like you were the Spanish inquisition. You've also been slightly argumentative and pressured her again.

A better response would have been "Hey. Wanna get some lunch today? Haven't seen you in a couple of days. We must catch up on the gossip". If she said "Oh I can't, I've got to do something else today" you can simply say "OK, maybe I'll catch up with you tomorrow? See ya later!"

See the difference? In the last example you would appear friendly, happy to see her, and interested in seeing her again. In the first you come across as jealous, argumentative and a pain in the arse.

>>>I mean don't you ever get upset if a friend makes plans with other people becuz you want to see them and havent for a while, to me that seems normal sometimes?!? Or feel like your being left out!?!<<<<

Yes. It's normal. We all feel that way but we are inclined to keep those feelings under control unless it was something REALLY important that our friends bailed out of. Nothing is gained by telling someone that you're pissed off or unhappy about it and certainly nothing is gained from grilling them about what and why they are doing the other thing with other people. Moaning and bitching is only going to push people away.

I also wonder why the other friends that you mentioned pick on you and say nasty things to you. Remember those ones that you talked about?

Perhaps they are doing it because you provide them with the ammunition and they are expecting you to say something yourself? They might be sick of your attitude too. Think about it. What have YOU said to them to make them dislike you and pick on you? You haven't moaned and bitched about things in front of them have you? Or God forbid, been incredibly negative about things that they are planning on doing? They are going to pick up on your negative vibes and will respond in the same manner that you are doing or have done. Be a bit more aware of how you are acting around people and how you are relating to them. Happy, smiley people have good vibes. Bitter, sour people that feel that they are not getting what they want have bead vibes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: ilauren1666
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 1:18pm
Hey...thanks I never thought of approaching my friends that way with a positive way of asking that, thanks...and that person who I was talking about that is mean to me is Frank, I never said or did anything to him...the only time I ever talked to him was when we sat near eachother at work and had a NICE conversation...then after that he just started acting like an a^%hole towards me...now supposedly he said I got on his nerves, by laughing out loud when he was on the phone ( see our job is to call ppl up and do surveys about thier bank) and supposedly I made him lose a survey which I dunno if its true or not but I doubt I did cuz I was far away from him...nobody else complained and yeah I DO relaize I needed to tone it down a bit and I have....and then he just makes fun of my apperance and stuff and he's 25 I'm 19 he's acting like a 10 yr old...and what really makes me mad is that he doesn't even know me...plus the stuff he says to me, he has no room to talk at all!!! So I don't know why he does that but he does and I ignore him and I don't want to be his friend.

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