Confused about this guy....

Avatar for rainita2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Confused about this guy....
4
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 1:38am

Sorry this is long but I had to vent..

Im 35 yrs old, there is this guy of about 27yr. We met for the first time like 6yrs ago when we both worked in the same workplace, we made good chemistry, friendship speaking here, we got along well, so became friends. The years went by and he left the workplace and I did not but we remain to stay in touch either by phone, email or just going out to the movies, but not often, we hanged out rarely, because we both live away from each other and neither one of us have car and also in some years he had girlfriends, so when we hang out we had to plan ahead of time, but the times we hang out were only to go to the movies, chat, nothing more than that and we laughed, had fun. I mean we were friends, nothing more. Then I left the workplace and it was the same we hanged out rarely the same way as before (movies, email, and phone) and remain friends but we still were friends even if we live away from each other and no cars.

There were times I did not hear from him for more than 2 months for instance and then again we re kept in touch again but we did not hang out, we spoke more on the phone. In fact the last time I hanged out with him was more than 7 months ago so we only spoke on the phone (even if sometime he is never home, he is always hanging out with male friends or family), and he always told me about the girl he was seeing at the moment or why he broke up with the last one, or his work, etc The thing is that I have always seen him as a friend only, nothing more than that and I believed he thought that of me too, because the way we treated each other was pure friendship. I mean if I could count the number of times we hang out together, it could be only like 5 times in the course of 6 yrs, still he thinks of me as a good friend.

This year I called him like in February and he mentioned me about another gf he had, but the girl was kind of neurotic, crazy, that at the beginning they got along well, but then the relationship turn bad because she was too absorbing among other things, but then he found out she liked another boy but still wanted to be with my friend. My friend told me that he slept with this girl for one reason or another one he broke up with her and after the breakup she dared to tell him that she still want to be friends with him, but only to get laid, that my friend could be like a back up guy, a person just to sleep with. My friend did not like that so he warned her not to call him anymore, he was not that kind of a guy, he told me this thing because we are friends, and friends tell each other things right? He tells me everything.

Yesterday I called him again after a long time not hearing from him and to plan to hang out again to go to the movies and chit chat for a bit he told me that his dad passed away 22 days ago (something I did not know until I hear from him) I don’t know why but we brought the subject of relationships again and he told me about the “famous girl” as an example of something. He told me that if he sleeps with a girl for pleasure, he wont have any kind of obligation towards her whatsoever after sleeping together, I mean if the girl pretends that just because they sleep together, he has to change, he wont feel any kind of obligation towards her, he continues to go on with his life, as nothing happened, he did it only for the pleasure at the moment.

Then during this kind of conversation, he set me as an example, that if between us something happened, nothing will happen afterwards just as if he sleeps with any other girl. I mean why he set me as an example? I thought because we are friends, so he just wants to say an example. I should have seen it coming, is that a subtle way to say he wants something to happen between us? We say good bye normal, as the friends we are period. I mean I see him as a friend only, I never have seen him as a man to date with, even if we know each other better for more than 3 yrs he is just my friend. I don’t have love or romantic feelings for him, my feelings are of a friend.

Yesterday after we hanged up he sent me a written message by cell phone and asked me what I thought about his attitude towards women. I feel awkward that he asked me that question, why he wanted to know my answer, he never asked me for my opinion when we chatted or talked, we just talk period, why for him it was important to know what I think of his opinion, I mean it was a surprise to me. Then today we say hello again this time on messenger chat and again asked me that question. Now I was starting to feel weird. Then all of a sudden he asked me: Have you ever thought what will happen if something happen between us? That got me off guard, totally out of a blue. I said to him, that never crossed my mind at all then he just answer: “it´s ok. Then I asked him, why he wanted to know that, why he asked me that question.

And he replied that why I was questioning him his question and why I was surprised and told him that looks fishy. Then he asked me: “Answer me, how would you feel if something happen?” I could not really answer him, I lied to him in that moment and told him my boss was calling me, and I be right back. That was a lie I just could not know how to answer him that question and I know he will want an answer.

Like I said I have only see him as a friend, could that be he is starting to have feelings for me or just because for pure pleasure he wants to get laid because we are already friends and is not he will sleep with a girl he barely knows. Those questions got me completely off guard, unexpected, I never saw that coming from me, total surprise for me because I care for him but just as a friend, nothing more, but he is hinting me that for just for the pleasure he wants to get laid. What will happen if we get laid, what will happen to our friendship, should I change?
He hinted me he would like to do so, because we known each other for 6 yrs already and he feels we trust each other and also told me that I make him feel ok.

I mean Im not saying Im going to sleep with him, Im just assuming what if…. Im totally confused, does he wants to be my boyfriend is that it? I mean we barely hang out together because we both lives in cities away from each other, we don’t have cars and also because our jobs there are times we simply cant hang out.

I mean I have never ever dated in my life before or had a boyfriend before (which means Im a virgin, but I never have told that to my friend, Im embarrassed to say it, that is something I have kept to myself, even if we know each other for more than 3 yrs) so I don’t have much men experience and how to react when guys asked me those kind of questions totally unexpected. For me he is a dear friend, but nothing more. The more I can give to him to kiss each other, but to sleep with him is a totally different serious story but today’s question on messenger hinted me he wants something. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I don’t want to break a good friendship just because of that but he is expecting an answer from me I know, even if he is not asking me, since I never gave him an answer today.

What should I tell him? To try first as being a couple gf/bf, and not to think about getting laid? Or what? Im really confused, his question really took me by a complete surprise I never ever in my more than 4 yrs of knowing him, saw that coming until now, because before he never hinted me anything, we are friends, he always treated me as a friend nothing more. Yesterday (before he talked about relationship or getting laid) we even made plans to go to the movies again next week because it has been months we don’t see each other.

Now I don’t know or should I wait to go out with him and clear everything up?

What should I do and say to him, what can be my answer to his question?

Before all this happened, one day before, I mean before he kind of hinted me he wanted to do that with me, we already made plans to go to the movies next week. I mean about the fact what would happen if us.... he said that to me over the chat messenger it was not even in person much less over the phone. Perhaps he did not dare to tell me that over the phone, he was embarrased to do so, so he waited on a less informal way to do so.. the internet over a chat conversation, where all people is more free to say anything.

Should I go out with him and clarify things in person or should I decline and forget about him once and for all, even if we known each other for 6 yrs so I better loose his friendship just for this issue?

He told me that only if I agree he will do it, but if I disagree we will remain friends, he told me that. I guess he does not want to loose our friendship.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 9:11pm

you are totally overthinking this. not to be harsh, but your story could have been summed up in a paragraph or two. i still did not understand whether you are romantically interested in him or not. are you? and if you are why don't you ask him whether he wants a girlfriend or a friends with benefits arrangement. if the latter, you don't seem to be interested and if the former, you need to figure out if you are interested. if you have been friends for so long why not talk openly and honestly. he seems to be sending non-commital vibes if he says that if the two of you get together there won't be any obligations after.

why are you still a virgin? not to give you a hard time about it, but it is unusual at 35 and i'm sure he assumes that you are not. if you go out on a date, he is likely to put the moves on you after a few dates and expect things to get sexual.

you don't have to tell him you are a virgin, but you should be clear that you are not looking for only a sexual relationship (if that is in fact the case).

Avatar for rainita2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 11:49pm

Im not romantically interested in him. He is only a friend. He was the one who brought up that question. I asked him since when he felt about that towards me, he told me that since the last time we hanged out together. Do you know when that was? The last time we hanged out together was more than 4 months ago!! And after that outing, we havent gone out again, not even spoken on the phone to chit chat for a while until recently. I asked him also why he felt towards me and he told me because we known each other for so long, and Im nice special lady and also I made him feel ok, that is why he dared to asked me that just like that for the first time and until now.

Dont worry he does not know Im a virgin I have never told him.

I mean since this subject is on the air, I was just saying that if it is good to go out with him next week since we already made plans to go only to the movies before all this happened. But I know the subject will come up because he was the one who brought it up and I havent answered him yet, of what do I think. If we meet in person I assume he will bring up the subject, if he does not bring it up, good I wont even mention it, but what if he will.

Is not that if we meet he pretends he is going to have sex with me, he hasnt even mentioned me that he just asked what if..... he does not mean right away when we meet for the movies or very soon, just what if... for the reasons he told me.

I simply not ready to sleep with a guy now and where I live even if that is not that unusual there are still ladies at my age who are still virgin.

To be with a guy and feel special you dont have to sleep with him just to feel like a woman or to be more of a woman. Im not more women by sleeping with guys and be no virgin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:24am
If you're not interested in him, then if he brings it up again, just tell him the truth....that you aren't interested in sex with him. If he was suddenly interested in you four months ago.....then why did he take so long to contact you? He's looking for sex, you're not, and that should be the end of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 9:38pm
To me it sounds quite simple too--if he brings up dating, tell him you're flattered and enjoy his friendship but you are not interested in being romantically involved. Best to deal with it directly than to change the subject or avoid the discussion. This way he gets the message and can move on.