Confused and hurt
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| Thu, 01-03-2008 - 5:27pm |
I posted this somewhere else, but am new here, so I cant find it. I wanted to post it here too.
Ok I need some adivce or input here. About a month ago, my husband of 7 years tells me that he is terribly unhappy in bed, and that he fantasized all day every day about having sex with other women. Well I didnt realize how often or in depth he was thinking about this. He said it was about any and every woman he layed eyes on. He said that he fantasized about what it would be like to have sex with them, very detailed fantasies and then some he fantasized about what it would be like to be married to them instead of me. Before we got married he had been with other women, I had not been with any other men. So I thought maybe it was that I was not experienced enough. But after seven years, and three kids you would think that would not be the issue anymore. Anyway, I am rambling. I know everyone fantasizes but his seem to go to an extreme. He says it is all he thinks about and that if another woman were to come on to him, he would not care to stop them. He wants so badly to have sex with someone else. One day, after talking about it for so many weeks, I told him, if that would make him happy then to go for it. I didnt care anymore. He said no, that he thinks it would devistate me and since we have been trying to work on things, he didnt want to ruin the progress. It kind of freaked him out that I said that, but he brought it up again last night. He has also said now, instead of just wanting another woman, he wants me and another woman. I asked him if having a threesome would scratch his itch or if it would make it worse, he said he doesnt know. At the beginning of all of this, he said if he were having these thoughts he doesnt see how he can be in love with me. Now he says he knows he is in love with me, but still has these thoughts. He is very confusing and can be hurtful. He also says that he wishes so badly to not have the thoughts but he cant stop them. I dont know what to do, I am tired of it. Am I being too hard on him, or is it completely normal?
I was going to add too, that he contantly compares me to the other women he was with before me. He says "I know I'm good, and if you dont have an orgasm in five minutes then there must be something broken with you." And he has started saying that he is unhappy with just doing it once a day and that he and his girlfriends would go for hours or all day and have multiple multiple orgasms. He always wants us to keep going which is fine, but once again, if the second time, I dont have an orgasm in five minutes he gets frustrated and says I am broken in there. He is being very hurtful, and I hate that he compares me. I mean, we have been married for over seven years and he is just now bringing this stuff up, and saying that he just now realizes that all of it has made him a very unhappy man for at least the last five years. How do I get him to also understand that I am NOT one of his previous girlfriends, all women are different, and just because I dont have 13 orgasms an hour (like he mentioned happened before) doesnt mean I am broken. Or that I dont want him.

Your husband has some mental/emotional problems.
Welcome to the board, goddess_mamba.
WOW -- you have a lot going on in that post. The most important thing -- No, you're not broken. Your husband may be broken, or your relationship might be in trouble. It's up to you whether or not you think it's worth trying to fix your relationship. You can't fix your husband -- no matter what you do. More sex today, threesomes tomorrow and then who knows what he'll want the next day.
Is there a chance you can get him into couples counseling? It seems to me that the two of you are going to need some sort of intervention to move past all of this. His desires are not typical or healthy. If he's fantasizing about every woman he sees, then he has some other problems that don't have anything to do with you. While any counselor may be helpful, finding a couples counselor that specializes in sex therapy would be your best bet.