Confused...Embarrassed....LOST

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Confused...Embarrassed....LOST
13
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:45am

Alittle history on me: Im a young female thats been having problems in bed. I was sexually abused several times when i was younger. And ive watched as all the men in my life just walk in and outta it as they please. Ive got two thangs i wanna ask some advice on.

First Problem.

I dunno if its just the guys ive been with or if it's me personally. But I know my problems revolve mostly around the fact I'm not confortable in a bedroom with anyone. I've had 4 different sex partners over my 19 years, and not a single one of them have been able to get me off during sex. One or two of them have come close to it, but no go. HeH.. It's really nerve wrecking because i can get myself off in split seconds when im on my own, but when its with someone else i can't do it. I can't get my mind to shut down, and enjoy it. I've tried everythang i can possibly think of. Even thinking about somethang that really turns me on while the guys trying to get me off. And ive had a guy try for 3 hours almost to get me off, trying everythang in the book he could think of. But it didn't work... He came close. I've even tried drinking a couple of drinks, and im honestly not a person big on drinking either. If anythang that tenses me up more. I dunno whats wrong with me.. But its very discouraging to hear all my friends talk about how good it feels to orgasim with their partner, and never experience it.

Second problem.....(this is what im really embarrassed about)

When i talk to my friends, and we get on the "sex" subject, its disturbing. They mostly talk about how they ride their partners. I'm in a longterm relationship, have been for 2 years, but ive never slept with this guy. We always talk about how he wants me to ride him and everythang. But to be honest i dunno how. It's like i have all these thangs piling up in my head, and im very creative. But once i get into the bedroom, i freeze up. Im always scared im gonna do somethang wrong, or im not gonna please the guy im with and he gets mad at me or somethang. When im in bed im more worried about weither or not im pleasing the guy to the fullest extent instead of my own pleasure. Dont get me wrong i love fooling around, and it feels great. But i never reach my climax. Ive gotten so use to going to bed unsatisfied once ive had sex that its unreal. I tend to be shy, so im not one to tell a guy that he didnt satisfy me.

I mean what am i gonna do. Basically im too shy in bed. I dont really like to be completely undress. Everybody talks about how arroused they get from their breasts and all being carressed and everythang. Mine don't effect me. My ex has run ice over my nipples and it doesn't bother me. I don't even budge. I honestly can't stand for anythang waist up to be messed with during sex, besides my neck and kissing. Can someone give me some advice on what i can do? I mean i wanna be able to please my fiance, but also be able to please myself at the same time. I do think it would improve my performance alot in bed when im comfortable enough to orgasim. What do i do?

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:24am

Honey, the first and most important thing you need to do is deal with the past abuse. That will likely require some counseling. Have you ever talked about your past with a professional? If not, then I would strongly suggest that you do. That's probably the core reason why you have all the other sexual issues.

But it's not uncommon for women to be able to orgasm quite easily through masturbation but not with a partner. It's about allowing yourself to be completely vunerable and letting yourself respond to his stimulation but also about teaching him how you need to be touched. And that's not always easy to do. For you, being vunerable probably means being hurt.

It's also very important that you ask for direct clitoral stimulation from your guy, during foreplay and during intercourse as well. You didn't mention receiving that so I thought I would. Check out www.the-clitoris.com for more helpful information about the female sex organ.

And the woman on top position is a great way of stimulating the clitoris, by grinding yourself against his pubic bone or the base of his erection. You might be able to orgasm if you can make direct contact this way. But you must learn to speak up and tell, or show, your partner what you need. That's really the only way he will learn how to please you.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 8:13am

I agree with Kat, your past abuse may very well be the root of the sexual problems and inhibitons


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 2:37pm

I agree with the others. You need professional help if you ever want to have a normal good sexual relationship. You may THINK you've put it behind you, but you haven't, and most abused women (or men) can't put it behind them alone.

All of your hang-ups and sexual fears are related to your past abuse, and until you deal with that successfully, they're not going to go away. Right now, having an orgasm is the least of your problems. Fix the real problem, and the others will fix themselves.

Find a good therapist, and take care of yourself before you even consider getting married. It will NOT just go away. Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 10:02pm

First of all, take it from someone who has been there. I was sexually abused as a child and had a really hard time having orgasm, in fact I didn't start having orgasm until about 4 years ago, and I have been sexually active for the past 9 years. I find that I not only had to get professional help, but I also had to completley trust my partner and that was really hard to do. So first seek help to deal with the abuse issue and then only have sex when you want it. As far as the riding him thing, maybe that would help you, when the woman is on top, she is in control of the situation, that might help you feel less vulnerable.

And yes, pleasing your partner is important, but your partner is going to be pleased with you no matter what if he really cares about you. I am thinking that your partner just might be thinking that having you riding him would help put some of your fears to rest. If that is the case than he is a very, very conciderate man. Have you talked to him about your issues?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 12:10am
does your partner know about your past? I agree it might be a good idea to seek counseling.I didn't and looking back I probably should have.I had a similar childhood...It took me a long time to get over it to where I could even think about dating a man.I'm still reserved somewhat when it comes to sex but my dh knows about the past and is patient and loving....I don't orgasm during intercourse easily (unless I'm on top)....but I'm on several medicines that probably have alot to do with it....good luck honey....I've been there....
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:07pm

Yea I've been to about 5 years of professional help. Several different councilers.. They all kept wanting me to go on medication that always kept me drug up like some zombie. Now when i have a problem i just talk it out with my cousin. It helps. But theres just somethangs like my sexual problems i just can't talk about with someone i have to look in the eyes everyday or somethang. I honestly dunno what my problem is.

Plus my problem with the girl ontop of the guy is i really dunno what im doin. When i get in that position i just freeze up... my mind goes blank.. n my body doesnt wanna move at all. I really just wanna stop having sex cause i lose the urge to go on right about then cause i start feeling incompatant. Mainly for the fact of i know im not doing somethang right or im not going to enjoy it as much as i know i should or somethang.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:17pm
My partner knows it happened he doesnt know with detail about what all happened. He just knows that i was sexually abused by my stepfather. We dont really talk about our past that much. Its a weakness in our relationship. Right now he went to stay and help his mother shes really sick and she lives in canada. So the only way i get to talk to him right now is over the computer. Hes suppose to come back down in august for a couple of weeks to spend some time with me for my birthday. But hes one he doesnt like to think about the past. He's had a bad past on his own. When we get on the subject about our past that we wanna tell each other about. He perferrs that we be together, so that the other is there to comfort the other, and not feel alone. Which i can understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:18pm

Being an abuse victim myself, believe it or not, the only thing that broke me outta my shell was an actual long-term relationship. No drugs or counseling helped anywhere as much as that, so I'm familiar with your confusing emotions on actually being someone sexually.

Can't really advise any better than the others, but I personally testify that for many of us, even in this kind of situation, time DOES heal and help. With the right partner and some serious patience, we both were able to learn what to do and how to enjoy, couldn't be happier now.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:04pm

Dipsy, you can't go about building a healthy relationship until you BOTH deal with your pasts. That's the beginning of understanding each other.

The problems that resulted from the abuse will follow you from relationship to relationship if you don't share in the healing process. The best thing you two can do for yourselves is to talk about the past and then begin helping one another to get over it.

Prayers and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:11pm
my dh doesn't know all the ugly details either....he's never asked and it's never come up and frankly that's what I'd like to forget about...
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