crazy idea of my guy friend
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 05-13-2006 - 11:08am |
This guy wants to have a threesome - me, him, and 1 more girl. I'm too embarassed to ask my friends because I met him on a dating website and went on 4 dates with him. It didn't work out (explained later), so we're friends now. He is just too gorgeous to let go as a friend (Italian, dark hair, green eyes....)
He is serious about this and even suggested I go to craigslist.com to find someone. Girls or anyone on craigslist with an ad for "sex" is most likely to have an STD. Not good, and even so, I'm not the type to do this threesome in the first place. I don't even know why I said I would find someone in the first place. My guy friend wants to see one girl going down on another. He said we'd all go to a hotel and he would pay for it.
I suggested he go to craigslist himself or ask his female friends. His reply was it's better if a girl asks the girl. He also told me he doesn't have female friends and I was shocked. So I shoved these words down his throat and said he prefers to have one nighters and to not call the girl ever again. That's what he did to me except we had 4 dates. In other words, he faked being nice and only wined and dined me to have sex with him. He never called after that night. I emailed him a few weeks later, though. Bad thing for me to do, I know, but I felt I knew him and he is soooooo good looking. We're just friends now. Haven't seen him since. He lives over an hour away (why can't a 30 year old woman seek out ways to spice up her boring life? Half my friends are married so why can't I email a sexy guy like him?) Sorry to have digressed:
So I said "How do you expect to have friends with benefits if you do that (use them for sex and not call)?" I suggested he joins me on myspace so he can get some exposure and make some female friends. He says he has no time; he's a freelance computer technician.
Has this happened to anyone? I mean, threesomes are common, but my situation is harder because I can't tell my friends. Can anyone give me advice and tell me what to do? i would really appreciated it. Thanks.
Thanks
Cindy

Your not the type to do threesomes so why are you even considering it???
Well, Cindy, I think that the best thing that you can do is to loose his phone number, forget about any threesomes for the time being and move on with your life - without this "friend".
You come across as having a serious crush on the guy, and you seem to be working awfully hard at convincing yourself that he is just a "friend". Well, friends don't have sex with one another, they don't talk about each other having "gorgeous green eyes" and how they're "soooooo good looking", and they don't arrange to have threesomes with one another or complain about how badly they were treated when they were dating. I'm sorry, but you've got all the signs of someone that still has the hots for a guy that treated her badly when they were dating. I suspect that this whole threesome thing is something that's gotten out of hand at a time when it seemed like talking about sex (even if it involved a third person) with him was the best way of, well, getting him into bed. Now that he's pushing the issue, it's not such a good idea.
>>I mean, threesomes are common, <<
I wouldn't think so. Maybe they get more exposure because of the internet and people talking about them, but I still don't think that they're an every day activity.
What do I think? I think that he has you hooked and he's just reeling you in. He's definitely using you. He's even not prepared to date you yet he wants you to invite a third person into the bedroom? What do you think that he wants out of this?
Yes, he's right. Women *would* be more receptive to be approached by another woman, but he has no real interest in *you*. No, hang on, change that: It's not that he doesn't have any real interest in you, he has *NO* interest in you. You're just some chick that's going to go along with him and find him some casual sex and maybe, on the off chance if he pushes it, make a fantasy come true for him. He's not even a friend with benefits for you. A FWB relationship is a relationship of convenience where two people use each other for sex without any strings attached. YOU have feelings for him. That makes you a booty call. Saying that you are in a FWB relationship gives you some comfort by making you think that you are empowered. You're not. You're being used.
Dump the guy and move on. He doesn't want you; but he'll happily use you.
He's your "friend" because he's so gorgeous? The fact that he's a creep and a user doesn't enter into your need for a "friend"? Oh, excuse me......."why can't a 30 year old woman seek out ways to spice up her boring life? Half my friends are married so why can't I email a sexy guy like him?" Why can't a 30 year old woman see that she's wasting her time on users and losers like this (and I remember a few others that you've complained about in the past) and find herself a DECENT man.....maybe not so gorgeous, but "decent" is worth "gorgeous" ten times over. You need to start looking at your priorities, and your self-esteem.
You sound like he's forcing you to do this......and if you don't want to do it, then don't do it. What has talking to your friends got to do with it? Can't you decide for yourself that it's not something you want to do? Tell him to go to myspace....he'll fit in with all the other perverts that go there to find underaged kids.
You're all right. In fact, I am well aware that he is using me. I'm using him, too. Why can't I just have fun? I'm not wasting my time with him. I'm still looking to date. You may not be interested but I'll say it anyway:
I am very shy. That's why I was on the dating website in the first place. You may or may not know, but my user name is that of a rock star - the guy from Bon Jovi who is all over gossip mags about seeing denise richards, Charlie sheen's ex wife.
I got caught up with drinking when I was 12 and then it was pot. I lost all my friends in high school because they continued to drink and do other drugs. The fight made me very shy. As a result, I never had good grades and didnt' go to college. Instead, I went to a 2 yr business school and made only a few friends. We lost touch....
I have very few friends therefore I am home most Saturday nights so it is hard to meet nice guys. The only guys I meet are guitar players because the very few friends I do have like rock music like I do.
You raise several questions that need answers but I am going to focus on the threesome aspect of your question.
To begin with threesomes are very intimate choices and anytime you engage in one it will have an impact on the relationships that are brought into it. If you do not want to particpate then do not do it.
Reading your post, the guy whom you have dated four times wants you to participate in a threesome with himself and another woman. In my opinion it is a receipie for disaster. First finding an unattached woman who is willing to participate in a fmf is quite rare. Not that it is rare like a diamond but rare in the sense there much few women than men participating in this type of activity. Furthermore you barely know him and the other woman neither of you know. So it would be like three strangers in a threesome and that type of situation spells danger at so many levels it is hard to know where to even begin.
When you say he had asked you to set it up, to me, that is another red flag. I would say if he wants it that bad he should not be relying on you to set it up. I wonder if there is something more to it than what he is saying to you? When you are talking time intense activities threesomes are more time intense than dating. If he does not have the time to go online to look himself then he does not have the time for a threesome.
In conclusion this is a recipie for disaster and I would not do the work for him. Stay far away as possible.
>>Why can't I just have fun?<<
Sure. Go ahead and have fun. We're not the Fun Police here. By all means have all the fun that you want. Believe it or not we've actually got your best interests at heart.
However, if part of your definition of fun is "Not getting hurt by guys that I like" and "Avoiding situations where I get emotionally screwed up" then I do *not* think that you will have "fun" with this guy or this threesome.
>>I'm not wasting my time with him. I'm still looking to date.<<
::If you meant that you are still looking to date OTHER men, then the more time you think about and spend with this guy the LESS time you will spend looking for and thinking about OTHER guys. And you're being screwed up by this guy while you are meant to be "waiting" and "looking" for other guys.
If you meant that you are hoping that this current guy will still date you, then I think that you will find that you ARE wasting your time with him. He's been on several dates with you. That's plenty of time to get to know a fair bit about you and your personality. If he wanted to date you, he would be doing it now. The only reason that he hasn't disappeared into the sunset and you are still in contact with him is because you provide him with the opportunity to get laid and you might make a fantasy come true for him. It's about sex. He wants it, you are supplying it. He doesn't want a *relationship* with you now or ever. He doesn't want to *date* you.
Now, if sex is all that you want, then fine. If you think that you can handle being in a threesome with two other people who are virtually strangers to you, then fine. Go ahead and have "fun".
However, *I* do not think that you want this, that you can or will handle it, or that you will have "fun". I think that this guy and this threesome will hurt you, make you even more confused, and probably run the chance of screwing you and your emotions up badly for a long time.
>>I got caught up with drinking when I was 12 and then it was pot......<<
Look, I'm sorry that happened to you. That sort of thing is very tough on a person. You see and do and learn things that a 12yo probably shouldn't ever have to deal with. But it doesn't define who you are unless you let it do that either.
>>As a result, I never had good grades and didnt' go to college.<<
And how would going to College have made a difference in how many friends you made?
>>Instead, I went to a 2 yr business school and made only a few friends.<<
You sound like a lot of us. Some of us didn't make too many friends either, and we lost touch as well. That happens to everyone. You're not the only person in the world to have had that happen to you. You've got a qualification, you should be able to get a reasonable job.
>>I have very few friends therefore I am home most Saturday nights so it is hard to meet nice guys. <<
That happens a lot to a lot of people as well. Even the ones that went to College. You'll find plenty of outgoing, non-shy, people that have great College educations and fantastic jobs that have moved to another city for work or something and suddenly they find that they are sitting at home on a Saturday night with no dates as well. What do they do about it? (edited to add: Now that I've got another couple of free minutes I'll expand a bit on what I was saying: I'm not trying to annoy you or upset you. I'm just trying to point out that a lot of people have problems and difficult lives and get on with living life. Rather than dwelling on what HAS happened, I think that you should be more positive and look at what can and could happen).
>>The only guys I meet are guitar players because the very few friends I do have like rock music like I do.<<
So who are these friends? Some of them aren't guys, are they? And I'll bet that they aren't all guitar players. Are they chopped liver? You don't choose guitar players because you ONLY have guitar players to choose from. You choose guitar players because you really like guitar players. Unfortunately I suspect that you go to these gigs and you, whether you like it or not, act like a groupie. And guitar players have a habit of treating groupies badly.
Edited 5/15/2006 9:13 pm ET by westridge2001
"Faked being nice." "Wined & dined me to have sex with him."
Yeah. He sounds like a GREAT candidate for a threesome with another strange woman. And he's got YOU doing all the work to arrange it!
What are you thinking, Cindy? There are other, safer ways to spice up your sex life than this.