Cybersex
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| Mon, 08-29-2005 - 7:45pm |
Hello all. I've never posted on any of the sex boards, mainly because I didn't feel like there was any problems with my sex life. Until now, that is.
My husband is amazing, both in general and in bed. We seem to have close to the same libidos (except when I'm pregnant and then I take forever to orgasam and sometimes don't even make it close).
So before we got married, when we were just barely dating, we talked about what we thought was cheating and what was okay. Amazingly enough, we both agreed that, besides the obvious physical affair, cybersex was cheating but just looking at or reading porn online was not. Light flirting is okay, but not anything more. Looking at other people is fine, but not touching or dancing close.
Now, I know that my husband looks at porn online. So do I. Once in a while we'll look together and discuss what turns us on/off. Recently I found that he has subscribed to an adult personals site. When I asked him about it he said that they have stories in their emails and that's why he did it - for the erotic stories. But he has a profile that says he's interested in cybersex and looking for some action. When I asked him about that he said that he had to put something in to register. It was a required field. Ok, I can see that. Before we met I had an online personals ad and I remember having to fill in areas that I wanted to leave blank.
So the past few days we've been talking about it and he swears that he's not doing anything more than just reading the stories. I asked him to try to find a different site (i.e. one that is not mainly an adult personals site) for his stories. He said that he didn't know of any but he would try.
So my trust is a little shaken. I'm a little worried that he's one step from actually talking to someone online. Especially since I work nights and don't get home until 11:30 and the kids are all in bed by 9.
But that's not really my problem. I'm fairly certain that he's telling me the truth and that he isn't looking for any online action. Yes, there is still a small doubt, but I've learned the hard way in the past to trust his word.
We used to have phone sex a lot when we were dating and first married because he got sent out on a remote job site for 6 weeks on, 2 home. Of course since he's been working in town for the past couple years we haven't done that (even though I really liked it. I loved listening to his voice as he got excited).
Now I want to try to get him to have cybersex with me. I have a laptop that I can take into the other room so we can pretend that we aren't in the same place. My question is how to get him interested in having cybersex with me. Do I talk to him about it first or just start sending him messages and see if he responds?
Deep down, I know I want to do this partly because I feel like if he's doing it with me, then he won't be looking to do it with someone else. And I want to do it partly because I think it will be fun - something to jazz things up a bit.
So how do I get him interested in it? How do I get him to at least try it once?
Hopefully some of you have some good ideas for me. Thanks.
Alena


I will give you my two cents, pardon me if some of them are diametrically opposite to your views, but at least you get to look at all sides.
I don't think cyber sex is cheating, maybe because I tell my wife about it. Recently I began exchanging erotic emails with a girl and just yesterday for the first time I had a long cyber-sex chat with her. It turned on both of us and at the end of it, we agreed that it was great and our respective spouses were going to get it tonight! Recently DW has been talking to me about bi-curious fantasies and I encouraged her to strike friendship with women online. It was mutual give and take and I have always told her all the details. She has not told me too much about her online friendship yet because she is just getting into it and she has promised to tell me more later when it is more settled.
I think it significant that your DH has turned to online porn (and possible cyber-sex if you suspect it to be so) during your pregnancy. I dabbled in cyber-sex for the first time when DW was pregnant. But I told her about it, probably because I knew she would not think much of it. She knows me for what I am - just a dog chasing a car, but if I finally caught one, I wouldn't know what to do with it. So if you share a trusting and confident relationship then I see no harm in his cyber-sexing and maybe you could take up one too, with his knowledge and approval.
However IF after everything you feel strongly that you would not like him to have cyber sex then it might be better for you not to dabble in it yourself with him. Because one reason for the excitement in cybersex is the anonymity and knowing that the woman at the other end is his wife may not turn him on too much and then he can actually start looking for others online.
My personal advise from my experience is for you to think nothing of it, but that is just my experience and situation and not yours, so I wonder whether this is of any help at all!..
I think your idea of having cybersex with your DH is a great alternative to having your DH talk to strangers online. And if he's truly concerned about losing your trust and hurting your relationship, you shouldn't HAVE to talk him into trying it. He should be completely willing.
But sorry, I just don't believe his excuse about not being able to find erotic stories online. You can find them just by googling "erotic literature." They're everywhere.
The fact that he KNOWS how you feel about cybersex with strangers and his agreement that it's cheating, should make you cautious. I think he's periously close to crossing a line you both agreed to. Or he already has.
Edited 8/30/2005 5:40 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
I don't think that the idea of using the laptop in the other room is a good idea. A big part of the thrill of cyber sex is that you don't know for sure what the woman on the other end of the internet looks like. Sure she might be old, fat and ugly (heck, she might even be a guy) but she might also be a hottie. Cybersexing with your wife in the next room just isn't going to have the same appeal.
I'd be suspicious of his membership to a site that is primarily adult personals. I can understand messageboards, chatrooms and erotic stories and the like but primarily a dating service? Hmmmm. That sets up warning bells for me. But then again there are sites that are 60/40 erotic stories and personal ads run as a sideline. And I don't for a minute believe the bit about the required fields line. The info that he's given for a "required" field just doesn't sound right.
I think that you need to talk to him more. I see a difference between text-based cybersex and online adult chats with webcams and/or pictures being swapped too. I think that the former is much more harmless, and the latter is one step away from physically cheating unless, of course, it is shared with a partner. That could be one option - tell him that you want to know what he is doing and you are curious and interested about it. Perhaps he could share this with you and only do it while you are around? That might help you define some boundaries for him and help stregthen your trust in him. Then again, it may be best to simply tell him that you do NOT want him to have any profiles on sites like these. There are plenty of sites around that let you read erotic stories WITHOUT having to have a profile.
At the end of the day, it's about trust. And telling him that he shouldn't have a profile is kinda missing the point - if it's got to that point then he and you aren't seeing eye-to-eye about something. I don't know how far he wants to go with this and that is the problem. Maybe he just enjoys the chase and the cybersex side of things, maybe he has no intentions of physically cheating and simply doesn't share your view that email and cybersex can be cheating? But then maybe he is using the adult personals as a way of ultimately arranging a physical meeting with another woman and not just as a source of sexual stimulation? You need to talk to him.
IF a man must exercise his imagination when exploring cybersex, then why not exercise it WITH his wife? He can pretend that she's someone else just as easily, can't he? If not, then he really NEEDS to work on his imagination.
And besides, they've already agreed that cybersexing with strangers is cheating, so her alternative makes complete sense. This way, they BOTH can pretend to be strangers and perhaps, satisfy a need to explore real ones.
Now, this seems to have become a trust issue and whether he will choose to honor that agreement and cybersex ONLY with his wife, well...that's the question. Sounds like an honest heart to heart is sorely needed.
Edited 8/31/2005 5:06 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Thank you all for your relies. Some of them gave me something to think about. I did talk to him some more, in a calm manner this time. He said that he likes reading the personals because some of them are funny. I told him that he was just one step away from talking to one of them online and then it would only be a matter of time before he went to meet one of them for coffee and then it was all downhill from there. He shook it off and said that he wouldn't do that. I told him that it made me worried that he wasn't happy with our marriage and that it scared me to think that with the click of his mouse he could be on his way to a full-blown affair. He told me I had nothing to worry about and for me to just let it go. I told him that it wasn't that easy and that it really bothered me. We kinda just let it drop after that - dealing with the kids and bedtimes and such. That was the same night I posted my original message.
Then he was saying goodbye to me yesterday morning before work and I was clinging to him, hugging really tight and not wanting him to leave. I felt like he was starting to just walk away from me and our marriage and not just going on about a normal day. He said something funny - I don't remember what now. I told him that wasn't what he was supposed to say at that moment. Well, he told me he loved me and I just burst out crying. I didn't mean to. I had planned to wait and see what would happen with this mess. He told me that he didn't want me to hurt and he would find something else to look at/read. And you know what? He unsubscribed that afternoon when he got home.
Maybe he was reading the profiles to see what else was out there. Before me, he was a wild playboy. And I only know that because before we got serious I was one of his girls. Maybe he wasn't planning on talking to anyone else but was just curious. Or maybe he thought that talking online wouldn't really overstep the boundries we set at the beginning. I don't know. I will probably never know. I do know that he loves me and whatever he was doing or planning he stopped as soon as he realized just how much it upset me.
That says something for us.
Thanks again.
Yay! Good to hear that it's been sorted out. I think that he probably just didn't realise how badly it was making you feel. I'm glad that he's taken it seriously. That's a great sign.
Maybe you could try to find a good erotic stories site for him? That would be a small, but nice way of showing him that you're not completely against his quest for erotica. Have a look at literotica dot com. Although it has messageboards and I think that there are some personals there, there is a whole enormous erotic stories section with flavours to satisfy anyone (although you might want to avoid some of the taboo stuff if it's not to your tastes).
>>IF a man must exercise his imagination when exploring cybersex, then why not exercise it WITH his wife?<>
Sure, if she's not in the same house! :-) I can see it working great if she's at work or away on business or something but isn't it a little lame to do it with her in the next room?
Kinda like pretending to have a night out clubbing and dancing by turning the stereo up loud, and hanging a $2 mirrorball from the ceiling in the living room. Whoo hoo! Good times! LOL ;-)
I think a much more interesting and viable alternative would be to cybersex with strangers WITH his wife there beside him at the computer. Depending on what you wanted you could probably easily pick up guys or girls that would be interested in cybersex with a "couple" or either him or his wife individually.
No, I don't think it matters WHERE she is when they do it. IF one is horny, then I'm sure that's NOT the most major concern of the moment. LOL!
Besides, they would also have the option of walking from one room to the other if they decide that masturbation isn't going to do the trick!
And I completely disagree with cybersexing with strangers together. She, and maybe HE, would be concerned about what's happening when the other isn't around! After all, they already seem to have some trust issues because of cybersexing anyway!