Delayed ejaculation...
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| Sat, 08-04-2007 - 7:39pm |
Hi guys,
I've been in a monogamous, long-distance relationship for about 3 months now (good friends for years before that). My BF and I have had MULTIPLE sexual encouters, however he has NEVER ejaculated during intercourse. Now, I've done a lot of research on this and it seems he suffers from something called "delayed or retarded ejaculation". He does climax by my oral and manual stimulation, and he has no problem with masturbation, so the issue is not physical but emotional.
I've read that many men who suffer from this have been abused--we've talked about this and he has not. There are many websites out there that outline a course of action, which we have sort of tried. But, because our method of birth control is the condom for now, it's hard to implement some of the suggestions. Also, couples therapy is somewhat out of the question because a) we live in different cities and b) we've only been dating for 3 months!
So, I guess my question is, has anyone out there dealt with a similar situation? If so, how did you deal with it? What did you do? Has it improved? Any suggestions or advice would be most welcome.
And, in case you are wondering, I don't nag about this at all. We've addressed it, but I always make sure that I am very supportive and understanding because the last thing I want to do is add more pressure to his performance anxiety. I am always telling him how much satisfies me (which he does) and the only thing I am concerned about is that he is also have a good time.
Thanks!

Maybe you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe it's nowhere as "technical" as you're trying to make it. There are many reasons for a guy not being able to ejaculate from intercourse.....abuse is probably NOT at the top of the list.
As you said, it's not physical, because he can manage with masturbation by you or himself, or from fellatio. It could simply be because he's got himself trained to respond to masturbation from early on. It could be something like a fear of getting you pregnant, despite the condoms.....because everyone knows they CAN fail. Also, this is a new relationship, compounded by the problem of long distance, he might just not be comfortable enough with you yet. Whatever these "cures" are that you're trying, that can't be implemented because he's using condoms....why don't you get on some form of b/c, so you wouldn't NEED the condoms.....that in itself might be part of the problem. There are a LOT of guys that can't even keep an erection if they have to use condoms.
Any of that, combined with a "self fulfilling prophecy" means it's just not going to happen. In the end, what difference does it make how it happens, as long as it happens? Why not just accomodate him, and not make such a big deal about it. Eventually, if he can stop worrying about it, it might just happen spontaneously.
Why would you want couples therapy? This has nothing to do with you. IF therapy is needed, it would be for him alone.....to figure out what his problem is. But maybe it's not really a problem......it's just being made into one.
It sounds more likely that he has trained himself through masturbation. That creates a need for him to have more stimulation and a firmer grip than can normally be provided during intercourse -- especially intercourse with a condom. How often is he masturbating? This "training" can usually be undone by avoiding masturbation and similar techinques for a period of time.
I would start there and see if things improve. Using a different form of BC can also be helpful, but you may still want condoms for protection from STDs.
Good luck, and keep us updated.