desperately seeking advice
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| Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:57pm |
Hello,
I haven't been on here so long that I forgot I was registered lol
I am a woman in her 30's who is still a virgin. I have met a GREAT guy and am ready to have sex but I have issues I need help with.
1) I am sooo afraid he will think I'm a loser if I tell him I'm a virgin, but I am SO inexperienced that I can't NOT tell him- plus we've been honest with each other about pretty much everything else.
2) I have a vaginal skin problem that results in a burning feeling pretty frequently and I'm terrified that it will be so painful that it will ruin the experience.
I have never felt like this about anyone before and I want to be with him SO badly. He definately wants it too but I've been putting it off because of the above issues. Part of me thinks I should just "go for it" but I tend to over-analyze everything lol
Thanks for your time.

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I think you
He has been soooo great about all of my other "issues" in life and I have complete trust in his ability to be a sweet, gentle man (I guess that's why I know he is the one I want to be with for the first time). I think it's more MY insecurities creeping up here (I figure another hundred or so sessions with my therapist and I should get better lol).
I have actually talked to my ob/gyn about this whole thing. He was great about it and told me the same thing you have said basically- that it can be good but we would have to take it slow and probably use lubricant. He actually scheduled me in for a procedure that would go in and break my hymen (is that the right word?)and stretch me a bit- I get VERY tense and he has never even been able to do an internal on me. I have had that thing put in me a couple of times that opens you up but only when I don't know it's coming- if I'm told it's going to be inserted, forget it. Only problem is that I can't get in for 3 months and I'm not sure I can wait that long to be with him- he is ALL I think about. This brings me to another question- will it be different when I am in the heat of the moment as opposed to laying in a doctor's office in an environment where NOTHING is a turn-on? Will I automatically become loose enough during the heat of the moment?
Thanks alot Tish. I have been "lurking" here for a few days now reading posts and I really respect your opinion.
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Being a virgin at ANY age is NOT something to be ashamed of, or embarassed about. Rather, it's something you should be proud of. It shows that you have pride in yourself, and you're selective about who you are willing to share your body with. Any decent man will not think less of you for being a virgin......conversely, he'll be proud that you decided to share your first experience with him. Read some posts from men who are jealous of a woman's past lovers, or intimidated by the fact that they're not the "first". Your guy will never have that problem, will he?
As for "experience", he'll be more than happy to teach you, be sure of that. As long as you're a willing participant, he'll "walk you thru" everything. Even "non" virgins have to "learn" about a new man.....experience doesn't teach you everything about every man, since all men are different.
I don't know what a "vaginal skin condition" is, but as your doctor told you, lubricant will probably take care of that. Most beginners of any age need some lubricant because they're nervous, which prevents natural lubrication.
Also, remember that just the fact that you're working yourself into a tizzy over this will make it harder to relax. If you expect pain, you'll probably have it. It's called a "self fulfilling prophecy". There is a lot more to sex than just intercourse. You can always start with foreplay, lots of oral and manual stimulation for both of you......and if and when you're ready to insert his penis, it turns out to be painful, you can just stop, and try again another time. This isn't unusual for the first time for many couples, even those with prior experience. There are plenty of ways for you to satisfy him (and him you) without intercourse until you're relaxed enough to do it. There are many people in long term relationships that have done everything BUT have intercourse, and they're happy and satisfied.
You have problems with the speculum because you're nervous..and when you're nervous your vagina goes into a "spasm" that tightens the muscles. If you take lots of time for foreplay, it will eventually help you relax. Sex with a man has nothing to do with a doctor's exam.....
My disorder is one that effects the vulva- it causes a burning sensation- worse during my period when I wipe more down there. It can't be cured but can be lessened a bit with creams.
That IS my biggest fear- that it will hurt and we won't be able to finish what we start- I know it sounds silly, but I have waited SO long and I am in love with this guy and I want it to happen so bad. I know that for my own good, I just have to relax and let what happens happen.
For so long I have been down on myself for still being a virgin, but oddly enough, I can't imagine being with anyone but him, so I guess everything DOES happen for a reason eh? lol
Congratulations! Finding someone with whom you want to share your most intimate moments is not an easy task in today's world. And don't feel alone, either. I'm 29 and just lost my virginity a month ago. There were times when I was terrified of telling men that I was a virgin. But I always took that as a sign that they weren't right for me. I was a little nervous about telling my current S.O., but was pleasantly surprised by his reaction. He thought it was wonderful that I had never compromised myself and was very honored that I had chosen him to be my first lover. Now, first time sex was not painful at all for me, but I had gotten curious a few years ago with a vibrator so my hymen was already 'broken'. ;) It's a little trick I highly recommend to any virgins out there. The best thing I could have done for myself was become familiar with my own 'pleasure' before ever taking a lover. There was one thing I did not expect, but later learned was a normal reaction. I got a mild yeast infection a day later. But making love with my S.O. was definately worth a couple of days of dicomfort.
I hope your first experience is a wonderful one and well worth the wait!
The skin condition you speak of....could it be described as "burning vulva syndrome?" Because I've been there and done that. It's so unbelievably frustrating having something that you can't get rid of and that has no medical cause. If it is the same as had, I'd like to tell you that mine has gone now. The cause of mine was stress and undiagnosed depression (during my first marriage....the whole story is in recent posts of mine). Basically, once I made some MAJOR life changes, the problem went away by itself.
Regarding sex....I'd just like to comment that there's no need to have intercourse quickly. I would suggest that you start slowly with this wonderful man of yours. He will understand. When I suggest starting slowly, I mean to just start with some manual play. Become comfortable with his hand stroking your vulva. Start to learn to accept just one of his fingers in your vagina and learn to relax and enjoy some clitoral stimulation. When...and only when....you are comfortable with his finger(s) inside you, then you may want to consider having sex.
There is no rush.
It was diagnosed after a biopsy (which hurt like hell lol) as lichen symplex chronicus. I sometimes almost wonder if it's not vulvodynia (sp?) but I'm too afraid to get another biopsy. It's kind of rare in the vulva but lucky me I got it!! (I sometimes almost wonder if it's my punishment for years of masturbation lol)
I understand what you are saying about taking it slow- it makes sense. I think that way if it does happen then great but if not then we will still have some fun practising :-) I think part of me is scared that it will hurt and ruin it. But I want this so bad and it feels so right so I am just trying to put as little pressure on myself as possible- does that make sense?
did it hurt when you broke your hymen?
YOu may or may not have had a hymen. Many women don't by the time they reach adulthood. The pain associated with first time sex is rarely from a hymen, but from lack of arousal and lubrication. It takes arousal (Usually from clitoral stimulation) to allow the vaginal muscles to relax enough to allow penetration. Even if they're relaxed, if sufficient lubrication isn't present, it can rub you raw, and be very painful.
As for yeast infections, it's definitely NOT "normal" to get one after first time, or any time sex. Not saying you didn't have one, but it doesn't usually happen......intercourse doesn't usually cause yeast infections. They're normally caused by the natural bacteria in your vagina being killed off by anti-biotics taken for an infection elsewhere in your body, or some other reason for the natural Ph balance of the vagina to be altered, like douching, which is a no-no unless ordered by your gyno.
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