Desperately seeking help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Desperately seeking help
11
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:58am

Ok, here is an overview:

the sex is hardly ever at all any more
the I love you's aren't as often
the frustration is high
the stress is high
we never have any money and there are 6 kids to feed
negative thoughts are his only friend these days-everything is screwed up
and school will be out in two days

I can't stand this any more, why can't I leave this man. He is always saying mean things, and he never considers my feelings. I have chest pains and I know it is from stress yet I see the good in this man and although I can not pin point the reason's right now I do love him. I just can't seem to let go.

Any PH'Ds out there????

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:39am

No PH'D here but you can't change anyone but yourself.

IF he won't go for counseling or make an effort to work with you to solve your problems, then you should ask for help from family and friends to move out if he won't.

Won't be easy but your health is being affected now and what would happen to your children if something happened to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:52am

This man is abusive, verbally and mentally


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:03pm
I know what you are saying is true and I stop him when he starts to grab his kids, he has never touched one of my kids and I don't think he will. I just can't stop crying about the whole thing. It seems as though money is the only thing that will make him happy. I have practically killed myself trying to look like the women he views on the internet but I gave that up and have been trying very hard to accept myself and build my self esteem. I just don't understand what this hold he has on me is. My sister was in an absive relationship and beleive it or not I helped her out of it, my ex husband was absive too and I got out of that, now here I am and I feel totally lost. I can't afford to seek therapy, my ex quit his job and was fired from two so he modified the child support and I hardly get anything at all. Now I am looking for a job but have no REAL skills to provide an employer. I told my bf that I would just go to a drug store and he doesn't want that, he said that they would jerk me around. I don't understand that, yes I would have to work some weekend and night hours but it isn't as if he wants to spend his time with me anyway. I don't want to work those kind of hours because I want and need to be here for my kids. I get a burst of confidence and feel like I know what I need to do and then boom!! he melts me AGAIN! I sound like an idiot don't I.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:48pm
IMO you need to get a job and get away from this guy (not necessarily in that order).
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:19pm
it is not as easy as it may sound. I am a single mom of three, I had a job but it was to far to drive to every day with the cost of gas and I was spending more than I made, it was'nt worth it. I have been putting in resumes everywhere, I was an at home mom during my marriage and my ex refuses to pay the spousal support that he was ordered to pay so I could go to school. I can only afford one class a semester and now have found out that paralegal studies are no longer provided at the community college I am attending. So I have to transfer but again can not afford that. and Ican not get a grant.
my ex quit his job and was fired from the previous two, the judge deleted his arrears and modified his support to practically nothing. He had an attorney, I represented myself because could not afford one.
I find it hard to just leave a relationship. I know he is stressed and frustrated. I want to help him, I just can't financially. I do the best I can with what I have.
The rent for apartments here is way to high and I can not quailfy for a house due to bad credit because of the divorce. OK, enough excuses, what advise is next, believe me I am all ears.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:32pm

You said yesterday that he spanked the one kid so hard that everyone in the house was scared to death.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:32pm
You need to leave this man. You are in an unhealthy relationship. He's abusive to you and the kids and this isn't good. Please get out. Take you and the kids to a shelter. Does your area have a battered women's shelter? You could always go to one of those. I recommend it. It'll only be good for you and your kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:11pm
Just so you know, I am not sitting back and allowing it to happen. I went through this issue with my ex and my kids and I reported it, nothing happened. They said there are not broken bones, no bleeding and no brusies. They don't do anything. I have had numerous conversations with my bf's ex wife and she says she can't do anything. I also have had some experience in court and I know the courts will ask "DID YOU SEE IT" . I didn't see it, I heard it. I also have been told by custody evlauators that kids get mad and scream bloody murder when they are mad at being disciplined. IT seems that it is a no win situation sometimes, I asked the investigator on my kids case what has to happen to stop it, a death?? I have told my bf that if he continues this he will lose his children. It seems to make him think but when he does lose his temper he spanks and he spanks with a belt. Some think that is ok. I do not. I have actually stepped in the way of him when he was mad at one of his kids. I stopped it before it happened.
I know what you are saying but have you ever been in this situation? It is easy to give advise when you are not in the situation. You have strong feelings about this, obviously, as I do.
I am not trying to look like a beauty queen. I have posted issues that are effecting our relationship, seeking advise, and suggestions not judgement, having a low self esteem is one of them. there are many. Please don't be so quick to judge me as I am NOT sitting back and watching and allowing children to be hurt. But do you think a 5 foot 3inch, 110lb woman can stop a 6 foot 4 inch 210lb man from doing much other than calling the police again. They don't do anything!! and because they don't do anything there is that wonderful thing called retalliation (don't know how to spell it)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:17pm
The closest shelter is miles and miles away. I have already checked them out. I am told it is for battered women, and I can't get his kids away, if I am here, I can do what I can to stop things, if I am gone, they are on their own not that I am staying because of that. And yes I am concerned for my own kids. I do what I can to keep them away form it. But again, the child proctective services call what he is doing to his kids "aggressive discipline". no broken bones, no bleeding and no bruises. Nice anit it!!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 4:02pm

Sounds like you're making excuses for him as much as for yourself. How will you feel if he kills one of your children one day when he totally loses control? It happens everyday.

Your children depend on you as their mother and stepmother to protect them and you aren't doing your job. No one is judging you but I'm a mother and I would do whatever I had to to protect my children. If it's call the police 10 times a week until they DO listen or remove them from the environment completely. At least, your children will know that you are doing SOMETHING!

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