DH's weird fantasy
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DH's weird fantasy
| Tue, 02-08-2005 - 8:59am |
I need advice. Several months ago, DH told me about this fantasy he has of bringing another guy in for a 3-way. I guess it's not really a 3-way because he doesn't want to have sex with the guy, he wants to watch me having sex with him. His biggest turn on is watching me get turned on, and I guess he somehow thinks another guy would do it for me. He's asked me to wear slinky clothes (and even lingerie) when one of his friends was over and got very aroused when I compromised and wore a tank-top w/ no bra. There's a guy at work who always hits on me, and DH actually likes to hear about it. Last night he asked me if I flirted back and I said "no." He told me I should have said yes because it would have turned him on. I've told DH in no uncertain terms that this fantasy will never become a reality. Just the thought of it makes me sick. I am happy with our sex-life and perfectly satisfied by DH. On the other hand I've tried very hard not to make DH feel like I think he's a freak or something. I let him talk about it when he feels like it, but lately I feel like it's taking over our sex-life. Last night he wanted me to describe what happens when a guy hits on me while we were having sex. I guess I just want to know if anyone here has ever had a similar fantasy. Are there other men out there who would get off on sharing their wives? Part of the problem I'm having is that this just seems so weird. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
Jeannie
Thanks!
Jeannie

It sounds like this is more than a fantasy for him, it's an obsession! Threesomes aren't necessarily "wierd".....if BOTH parties want to do that. Fantasizing about threesomes isn't wierd either, but he's carrying it way beyond fantasy.
If you're not comfortable with doing it, you're not going to do it, but don't "compromise" with him anymore, either. You're just letting him think that you're coming around to his way of thinking.
You need to tell him that not only are you never going to fulfill his fantasy, that you're getting tired of talking about it, too. Don't discuss other men with him, don't tell him if someone "flirts" with you, because you're just "teasing him" with that info.
Discuss it once, and tell him you don't want to hear about it anymore. If he can't understand that, he's got a problem. If it continues after you tell him no more, then maybe he needs counselling to get rid of the obsession.
Hi Jeanie,
This is a pretty common fantasy for some guys and for some women. Nothing to worry about, but as others have said, if it makes you uncomfortable be clear with him about your feelings and needs. I think it's important for you to let him know that you don't judge him at all for having the fantasy, just explain to him that it's not your fantasy...you might consider getting him focused on what you fantasize about in order to stimulate his imagination and get his mind going another direction.
As so many have said, fantasies are harmless and a fun way to spice up your sex life, but many of them are best left in the realm of fantasy...in my opinion this is one of them.
Peace.
Scott.
Well Jeannie - this isn't as weird as you think, and first of all I would applaud your DH for having the guts to tell you his fantasy. Now if you take some of the other advice and chastise him for his, what did they say, "obsession"?, then you are just taking a little piece of life out of him.
There are many many way to compromise on something like this. Obviously, bringing someone else into the bedroom is a HUGE step, not to be taken lightly, and also not something you would just "do" to please someone. But, seriously, what is WRONG with lying about the guy at work, and tell you DH a little story about how he was staring at your chest the whole time, and you went back to your office and thought about doing it with him, if it would turn your husband on? Where's the harm in that, as long as he knows you don't actually want to do it, just "fantasize" about it. Maybe one time while you are giving your DH head, you use a vibrator on yourself, so he can see the act, and get off that way?
Why not share some of your fantasies with him too?
I've kind of liked the thought of having a FFM threesome with my wife. She initially said she would never do anything with another girl. Boom! There goes that fantasy!! When I told her that, she was game to talk about it, and even suggested certain girls that were on a porn movie we watched as potential "candidates". Now I KNOW this is never gonna happen, but it's a fantasy, and in the fantasy world, you should not hold someone hostage for his/her fantasies.
Sure, there are times when someone gets obsessed. Those are the times for action, but if you both discuss things as adults, you will both be better off.
Like most of the others have said, I don't think that this is a terribly unusual fantasy. I've found it a turn-on thinking about watching my partner with another man. I guess that it's a little bit of a combination of things - some of the voyueristic part in most of us that gets turned on watching other people having sex - and this would be like his own private little sex show. Part of us gets turned on seeing our partners getting turned on. Part wants to "show off" how sexy and awesome our partner is to other people.
I think that it's probably become a bit of an 'obsession' because he's been able to talk to you about it. Up until recently it was a private fantasy that he has had and now he knows that he can talk about it and discuss it with you. It's going to take a while before the novelty wears off for him. He's not necessarily obsessed with it, he's just exploring the new and novel option of talking about it with you because it feeds the fantasy.
And don't forget that because it's a fantasy, the reality is likely to be something quite different. Whether or not he would actually want to go through with it when faced with the real life situation is something entirely different. We can totally control a situation when it is only fantasy and in our heads. We can't when it's real. Even if he would still go through with it I don't think that it's anything to get too worried about, while he might be comfortable with the idea (you can just put that down to the differences between different people), YOU still have control over whether or not you want to pursue it - just as you do over any other aspect or part of your sex life. If you don't want to do it or find it outside your comfort zone, just clearly tell him that you don't want to do it and that you find talking about it all the time uncomfortable. Tell him that you don't wish to discuss it all the time.
Perhaps you could even use it to your advantage after you've clearly told him that you're not interested in doing this in real life. It could be a fun way to tease him some nights and get him aroused, pretending that another man hit on you, or you could whisper in his ear about what you'd do with another man in your bed. You could perhaps even act out the fantasy where the two of you pretend that he is another man.
We've heard the same fantasy on this board many times before. It's not uncommon. Sounds like you're dealing with it pretty well but if it's begun taking over your sex life, then you need to speak up. Remind him that this is HIS fantasy, not yours, and it shouldn't dominate your sex life.
An alternative that might fulfill his need to watch you in action might be to videotape the two of you making love, keeping his face hidden from the camera (or wearing a mask of some sort) and even calling him by a different name. Then, he could have a taste of the experience of watching you with an anonymous "man without actually having to bring another person into the situation.
Edited 2/8/2005 5:53 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Not trying to repeat the great replies you already received over and over again, lol, but what I personally find unusual is his insistence on this.
Once you've already indicated through your responses that you weren't interested and that you indeed DO intend to enjoy monogamy , I'm actually a bit surprised that he kept this topic up the way he did.
Maybe its time to deal with him directly with a more stern conversation about this the next time he brings it up. There are OTHER ways for him to be turned on as well, ways that you DO accept. He should be reminded to focus on ways ONLY if he continues to have trouble getting such focus off of that fantasy.
Just my humble two cents. Good luck with that.
C H A R A C T E R
Is it just a fantasy for him? Or does he want to make it reality? If it is the former, then I don't see why it should be an issue. If it is the latter, and you don't want to make it a reality, then it can be a big issue.
Most people's fantasies are just that fantasies.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.