Did abusive ex ruin sex for me?
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| Wed, 01-19-2005 - 7:15pm |
Ok, I really felt the response I got from the first question I posted was helpful so I wanted to post another one. :-p
Just a few things you may need to know so you can better advise me: I am a 21 year old female. I lost my virginity at 18 to the man I married. When we married I was a size 10 and shortly after we wed I gained a lot of weight (there were circumstances surrounding this). I now border on a 14/16 but I was close to an 18 at my heaviest. Our sex life during our marriage went from hot to not so hot. Part of that was because he has a slipped disc in his back. As time went on the pain only got worse and he was only comfortable having sex missionary. I will just be very blunt and say that my ex was very verbally abusive. If you read my last post you know about the incident with the queff (sp?). But there were other things. He constantly picked at my weight. Side comments were made. I always felt awful about the way I looked. Less than a year into the marriage (and not even near my heaviest) I refused to change clothes in front of him and even locked the door to the bathroom when I was taking a bath or shower. He even told me once that he no longer looked at me the same way because of the weight I had gained!
Now I love sex. I am a very sexual person. I would love to try new positions and have fun with it. Wear sexy lingerie, have sex with the lights on, take control. My problem is that I am so self conscious that I find it very hard to participate during sex. I can't bring myself to try those new positions or have fun with it. I enjoy myself and please my partner but... I guess you could say that I only do what I have to. I am just terrified that my partner is going to judge me because of a bulge here or a stretch mark there. And I know that it is because of my ex-husband. I mean, if I disgusted him what makes me think anyone else could possibly find me sexy? And while my common sense tells me "You had an abusive relationship! Most guys aren't that cruel! What are you thinking?" but I guess after being torn down for so long it is hard to listen to common sense. In any other aspect of life I am usually very self confident. My friends are always commenting on how good look and I feel great (now, I do have the occasional "fat day" but on a normal day I feel very good about myself) until the clothes come off and I run for the lights or the covers, which ever one is closest!
My question is, what do you think I can do to get past this? Now I am not looking for a quick fix. I'm just seeking out advice and opinions.

You know your ex was abusive and you now realize what a jerk he was, so you already took the biggest step by realizing what he is.
I think all of us have those negative thoughts occasionally, including men. But the only way to change the way you think about your body and sex, is to consciously stop allowing those thoughts into your mind.
When you begin to critique yourself like that, stop that mental dialogue dead in it's tracks and replace it with a more positive thought. I know this sounds simplistic, but it does work. The only way to change a negative habit is to replace it with a positive one.
Focus on what you DO like about your body and perhaps, determine that you're going to work on those areas that you don't like so much. Buy lingerie that showcases your best physical features to make you feel sexy. Treat yourself like a sexual being and you'll grow in confidence with your partner.
Exercise makes me feel great and the benefits go way beyond just the physical. Do it for yourself and for your health and wellbeing.
And my DH has always said that a sexually confident woman who enjoys her own body is the most powerful aphrodisiac there is. NOT a physically perfect woman, a woman who enjoys sex.
Your "ex" was an abuser and a controller. You were young, and you allowed him to do this to you......you gave him the power over you.
You are no longer with him, but you're still giving him the power to make your life miserable. It's time to take back that power. You know he was wrong, that's why you're no longer with him. But if you don't get rid of all the baggage he left with you, you might as well still be married to him!
He's gone, and now it's time for the baggage to be gone, too.
You know what you are......unfortunately he never did. So what if you're a 14/16? If that bothers you, you can change that....but more importantly, you have to change your mind, and you have to realize that you're an adult now, and NO one can tell you whether you're beautiful or sexy. That comes from within you.
He literally brainwashed you into thinking you were ugly, stupid and worthless. Now it's time to de-program yourself, and if you can't do it on your own, then look for some counselling that can help you do that. Be very, very careful that you don't fall into another abusive relationship. That's what usually happens.....you're convinced you don't deserve better, so you'll settle for another abuser.
Just keep telling yourself that you are a healthy vibrant beautiful person, and believe it.