Did anyone see "Dateline" last nite?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Did anyone see "Dateline" last nite?
13
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:31am

It was an interesting show, featuring two couples in a basically "sexless" marriage, and a Therapist in Colorado who believes that their problem is not that one of them is "frigid" or even disinterested, but that they both have baggage, and they can't communicate, and their problems aren't even about sex. (Isn't that what we say here all the time?)

Even more interesting is that both couples started talking openly about their "frustrations".....one couple started "getting it", and were taking it very slowly.....even after their four 3-hour sessions with him, were not having sex, but they were getting closer. The wife had felt for years that she was just a piece of meat to him, and that she needed some "romance" outside the bedroom. He was shocked to hear that, then said, well, there's no time for "romance", we're both so busy all the time. He's learning to MAKE time, and things are going well a few months later. Now she's become more agressive, and he's less agressive.

The other couple opened up immediately, there were a lot of tears on both sides, they went back to their hotel and had great sex for the few days they were there, and a few months later, they're getting a divorce! She says he's too "weak", and he says she intimidates him. She feels more like his mother than his lover.

Another interesting thing.....among the ridiculous amounts of commercials, one was for iVillage.com and their sex boards. I wonder how many new posters will show up from that ad?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 12:04pm


We watched it together. I had no idea that was going to be the theme. It was just perfect. My HD has a low sex drive and it is always pushing me away.

He was waiting with every commercial for me to say something. I did not. I have learned to just let it be. We had therapy and I learned to learn to live with it and to sit back in exchange for peace around the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 2:25pm
Why didn't you say anything? It was the perfect opportunity to have a non-confrontational conversation about THEIR problems.....and maybe bring your own problems into it. He was waiting......and you ignored him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 3:39pm

I didn't see the show but why didn't you talk to your husband about it?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:11pm
Dakine, my wife and I did watch the program and enjoyed it. I also saw the IVillage ad, which was quite appropriate for such a program topic. This was the first time that I have ever seen an IVillage ad on TV.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 11:09am

I saw it. It was an interesting show, and the therapist obviously was very good and understood underlining emotional causes. I also noticed that the white - black couple (wm-bf), he opened up and said he was concerned that he was inadequate for her. I took that to very likely mean he didn't think his penis was big enough. In fact, the very next meeting after saying that he says he did something to prove to himself he could - he took his clothes off and walked around naked, having never done this before in front of her. Now granted, he and his wife had originally said he and her had put on weight that was one of the reasons for the lack of sexual interest because of embarassament about their bodies (which the therapist was able to show wasn't much of the issue). However, they were together before they had put on weight and even then he had never walked around naked in front of her. So I do think penis size may very well have been an issue for him, since his saying he felt "inadequate in bed and worried he can't really satisfy her" didn't occur until when they had really began to open up and tell their true feelings to the therapist. White man marrried to a black woman wondering if he "measures up" (I'm thinking he definitely used those words "measures up" at that time he was saying he thought he might be inadequate, but I'm not sure and so I don't want to say he definitely said that. Do you remember, did he say that? When he was saying he walked around naked just to prove to himself he could, she cried and told the doctor she didn't know what to say to him when he did that, how she should be. They said that was the evening they had the best sex of their marriage, saying she opened to him letting him know she likes to be "bitten" and for things to get rough during sex. So it sounded like they were going to work it out, but then the very next session they announce they have quit having sex and are getting a divorce. He says he can't have sex with her anymore because "her power scares him", and she says she is "fed up with his being afraid of her confidence". I do feel that he thinks that if he had a bigger dick he would be able to control her in bed instead of the other way around. He would have the confidence to match her, or possibly in his mind, to overwhelm her's with his's. That's the way I took this part of the show anyway. Of course their basic problems were beyond the bedroom, as the therapist showed, but I do think this part was an issue for him that the doctor couldn't address. He came right and said it was an issue for him, crying as he said it. I know this forum is very anti penis enlargement but what I just said about what he said is why penis enlargement exercises are needed for some men. All the good intentions here and all the sincere viewpoints here don't address this reality. No therapist can really cure that concern completely. It can get coated over, perhaps, but it doesn't vanish. He couldn't cure this for him and the good folks here can't either in many cases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 11:35am
I agree with your post, mostly. Read my post # 5 in this thread and you'll see that it really does appear he thought he was inadequate in bed for her and indications were penis size concern is very likely involved for him. She never made an issue out of it. However, since she said she "likes to be manhandled" and "likes it rough" in bed I do wonder if a big dick would play a part for her also. A big dick can certainly be used to manhandle even better with,no? Not that it is an important issue for her, it certainly didn't appear to be, but I do very much wonder if it would have enhanced their sex. So I don't see how you can say sex had nothing to do with anything. It wasn't the major reason why they had quit having sex, but it did appear to play a role in this couple's sex life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:14pm

I have learned that if I say anything about it, his come back will always be that I am picking a fight. He was waiting for me to make a comment, but it does not go anywhere. We have talked about it soooo much, that it just do not do any good any longer. He keeps telling me that he is not a machine, that he is getting old (he is 44) and that the only way that he will be ready is leaving him alone for two or more weeks. I just get tired of the argument and the excuses. I love him and want to keep peace in the house. I am not asking, begging any more, I am tired of getting my feelings hurt and not feeling wanted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:22pm

The black size "myth" crossed my mind, but I think it was more his embarassment over his obesity. Come on, they said they had "hot" sex before they were married, so I doubt very much if penis size was that much of an issue. Also, when a man gets that large, I'm sure his penis LOOKS smaller by comparison. What she wanted from him was agressiveness, and truthfully, he looked and acted like a "wuss", and he admitted he was intimidated by her "strenghth".

I kept thinking that if weight was such an issue with him (and she was kind of chubby, too), why didn't they both start eating better and doing some sort of exercise together? I also think that the weight issue for him was just a way of hiding other insecurities, possibly even the penis issue. But, that's a myth.......there are black men of all sizes and shapes, and they don't ALL have big penises.

Trying to enlarge a penis to enhance your sex life is about as ridiculous as getting breast enlargements to enhance your sex life. Neither has that much to do with good sex. Feelings for the person, caring about the person, and knowing your way around each other's bodies has a LOT more to do with good sex than the size of anything does. Having a great body doesn't equal great sex!

If a person isn't happy with themselves, whether over real or imagined issues, they're not capable of great sex. You see lots of posts here about a lousy or non-existant sex life.....and usually by the third or fourth post from the OP, it comes out that they have LOTS of problems outside of the bedroom. Well, how can you expect to have great sex when you don't LIKE the person, or don't RESPECT the person, or they don't respect YOU? You can't. A man can have a large penis, but if he treats his wife like dirt outside the bedroom, she's going to resist sex with him. Simple as that. Size is rarely the issue of the unhappy person in the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:24pm


The therapist did not encourage me not to talk about it. On the contrary, she did have us talk about it with her as the mediator. He got very defensive to the point of not wanting to go back at all. I know that I also have to understand that I have a high sex drive at this time in my life and he does not. I understand that we have to meet in the middle some how.

I have tried to tell him what I need, what I crave. He just does not respond. As I mentioned before, if I leave him alone for a couple of weeks, without me asking for anything, he does ask for a couple of nights or so, then we go back to waiting for two to three weeks.

Therefore, I have learned that I just need to sit back and do not say anything. I do not want arguments any longer. He gets scared, seriously scared when he sees me in a sexy thing when we go to bed. He has said that I am pressuring him and making him feel uncomfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 1:17pm

All I can say is that when you get tired enough of being treated like a dog, when you get tired enough of feeling unloved and unwanted, and when you come to the realization that you're talking to a "brick wall" who cares ONLY about what HE wants, and doesn't give a damn about what you want or what your feelings are, you will get a lawyer, and get out.

When you realize that YOUR feelings count for something, that you deserve better than this, you won't take it any more.

Been there, done that, and I wasted 20 years of my life thinking this was as good as it was going to get. I was wrong. It got much better just not having to deal with it.

Hopefully, eventually, you'll realize you're worth more than you're getting.

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