Did I screw up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Did I screw up?
18
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:29pm
Okay so my BF has given me permission previously, say three months ago or so, to be with a woman while we were together. He said he wanted me to expirement and said he would totally okay with it. Well Saturday night it happened, it wasn't planned, just my best friend and I had been drinking a little and things happened. So I told my BF as soon as I had the chance, and he said he was a little confused or whatever but that he was okay. He did not consider it cheating, and told me not to let him stop it from happening again. Said he was glad I had the chance to explore. Then today he tells me that I cheated on him and it was a horrible thing to do and I was a horrible person for doing it. And for waiting three days to tell him. Well he works nights, and I was unable to reach him until three days later, and I told him the minute I could. Did I screw up by thinking that since he'd said it was okay, it was actually okay? Am I wrong in thinking that he is over reacting a little bit. He told me before that it wouldn't be cheating unless I was with another man, which I have no desire to do. So I am confused as to why he is so pissed at me. If he doesn't consider it cheating, then why did he tell me I cheated on him? I have apologized repeatedly that I didn't have the chance to stop and call him and ask his permission first, but he says that is just arguing symantics and he didn't want to do that.
We have been together a year and a half, and I don't want to mess it up, but I am so confused by his reaction. Any ideas?

Pages

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:49pm

Well, this is a typical reaction, really. He THOUGHT he would be okay with you experimenting in this way, but turns out, in reality, he wasn't.

He probably thought that he would have some control over the experiment, perhaps even being in on the action. And when you took it upon yourself to go for it spontaneously, he changed his mind. Not much you can do about it now but wait for it to blow over....if it ever does.

But in the end, sex is sex, whether it's with another girl or another guy. Makes no difference really. My DH and I are in total agreement on that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 5:05pm

This is a great example of why some of us here caution people that want to have a threesome.

You didn't really do anything wrong. He gave you permission and you did it. What he didn't say was "I give you permission but I want to be included at the time and I want to have sex with the other woman too. I want to be informed before it happens, and have a chance to veto who it is going to be before we all do it together".

So now he finds that while he was happy for it to happen that it all went and happened without him and he didn't find out until days later. Hes pissed because he missed out and you went off and did it all without him and without his opinion, input, or physical presence. He says that you cheated because he wasn't included at the time. He knows that it's not cheating in the classic sense, but that doesn't stop him feeling excluded and ripped off and perhaps even taken advantage of.

It's a bit like having a delicious chocolate cake sitting in the fridge at home and you know that you and your partner are going to eat it. You get home and go to the fridge after dinner, only to find that all the cake has gone. "Sorry" says your partner. "I ate it - I ate all of it". Clearly your partner had permission to eat cake, but you're pissed that he ate it all by himself and didn't consider whether or not you'd like some of it.

I think the only thing that you can do is say to him "OK, we've f###ked up over this. I thought that you said I could do this so I (unplanned) went and did it and told you as soon as I could. I didn't know that you wanted to be involved at this point and I'm sorry. We need to talk about this and sort things out so that this doesn't happen like this ever again. I want you to be involved if there is a next time and I won't do it without you if there is a next time."

That's about all that you can do, I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 5:20pm

The only one who knows why it's bothering him now since he told you in the past to go along with it is him.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 9:23am
When the conversation came up the first time, he was asking me about a dream I'd had. In which I was with a woman. He asked if it was just a dream or if I really liked girls. I said I liked them. Then he said" I hope you get the chance to expirement while we're together, and I want you to take the chance if you get it. I won't even ask to watch even though I would want to"
I said that I wouldn't be comfortable with him being there, as I don't really like threesomes, and since this was my first time, I would really want it to be a one on one thing. He said "well that's fine. I'd still want you to chake the chance to experiment with that."
So I'm not sure if he's mad that I didn't change my mind and involve him or what. His best friend, who is very close to me as well, says that he is probably mad becuase he wasn't there, or since he was fine and then changed his mind the next day, that he might have been talking to other people about it and they convinced him that it was cheating.
Either way, he wants to talk tonight, he'd emailed me last night while he was at work. So we'll see what he says when we get together tonight.
Although I have a two year old (not his) and I refuse to have this conversation in front of her, which pisses him off. But she understands a lot, and I don't want her to hear anything. Especially if he gets angry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:41am
Well he broke up with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:59am
Sorry to hear that, but my question is, if you really loved him, why would you want to be sexual with anyone else, male or female?
Another question, how was the sex with the friend?..Better than with your boyfriend?


Edited 5/19/2006 12:00 pm ET by humpdaddy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 3:07pm
I did truly love him, do love him I should say. And I wanted to be sexual with a woman because I wanted to explore that part of myself. I had only kissed two women, but had always wanted to do more, as had my friend. For me it was about learning about another part of myself, which is always a wonderful thing. Had it been with a man, I would have said it was cheating, but for me this wasn't about falling in love with someone else, or any of that. It was about learning about that part of me that I had hidden for a very long time.
I do have to say this, although this is NOT the reason. My BF has NEVER orgasmed during any kind of sexual contact with me, or anyone. EVER, not once. And while it doesn't bother me, and I have always tried to get past it, it was nice to know that I could bring pleasure to someone. And that made me happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 8:41pm
He`s never orgasmed??.. I`ve never heard of that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 11:57pm

The time for "experimenting" or "looking for yourself" isn't when you're in a relationship. Lesson learned. "Permission" or not....most guys don't like competition, definitely not another female. If you'd been satisfied in the relationship, you wouldn't have had the desire to experiment.

As for his never ejaculating, that's what he SAID......and I doubt if it's true. Maybe never with you... And whether or not he ejaculated, if he wasn't "happy" he wouldn't have been with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 5:29pm

I'm sorry to hear that you broke up over this. I have to say that I still think that he brought the situation onto himself. He clearly gave you permission and was very clear that he didn't expect to be there . What can you do when a person says one thing, you do it, and then they get so upset that they break up with you? I think that he didn't truely understand how he would react if it became reality. Fantasy is not always so much fun under the cold light of day.

>>My BF has NEVER orgasmed during any kind of sexual contact with me<<
Now THAT is interesting. Not sure what it means, but it is interesting.

>>Had it been with a man, I would have said it was cheating,<<
It wouldn't have been cheating if it was the same situation. If you'd had a discussion with the b/f about having sex with another man and he had given you permission, then that's not cheating.

Pages