Did I screw up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Did I screw up?
18
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:29pm
Okay so my BF has given me permission previously, say three months ago or so, to be with a woman while we were together. He said he wanted me to expirement and said he would totally okay with it. Well Saturday night it happened, it wasn't planned, just my best friend and I had been drinking a little and things happened. So I told my BF as soon as I had the chance, and he said he was a little confused or whatever but that he was okay. He did not consider it cheating, and told me not to let him stop it from happening again. Said he was glad I had the chance to explore. Then today he tells me that I cheated on him and it was a horrible thing to do and I was a horrible person for doing it. And for waiting three days to tell him. Well he works nights, and I was unable to reach him until three days later, and I told him the minute I could. Did I screw up by thinking that since he'd said it was okay, it was actually okay? Am I wrong in thinking that he is over reacting a little bit. He told me before that it wouldn't be cheating unless I was with another man, which I have no desire to do. So I am confused as to why he is so pissed at me. If he doesn't consider it cheating, then why did he tell me I cheated on him? I have apologized repeatedly that I didn't have the chance to stop and call him and ask his permission first, but he says that is just arguing symantics and he didn't want to do that.
We have been together a year and a half, and I don't want to mess it up, but I am so confused by his reaction. Any ideas?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 6:24pm
well it is cheating but obviously he was ok for him and its bull crap that he did that if he said it was ok then he should have no problem with that maybe he wasnt sure if he really wanted you to or not
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 9:07pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 9:24am
No, he never orgasmed. And yes I know it's true because I know the two people he was with before me and they both told me as well. He has retarded ejaculation. Although, he refuses to believe that it is a problem. He says that it's physical, I know that it isn't. I have done all kinds of research about it, and tried everything I could think of to help, and it didn't. His problem is mental, and he doesn't think so. He couldn't care less.
That's a whole other issue we had though.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 3:59pm
So sorry to hear it but it sounds like he's got several issues that he's choosing not to deal with, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise.


Edited 5/22/2006 6:07 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:46am

When you ask your partner if something is wrong, and they reply "Oh, nothing...", usually, something is on their mind. Actions speak louder than words. Your boyfriend told you you could experiement because he probably did not think it would happen, or even better, he didn't think you would take it seriously. Also, he affirmed that you could do whatever you want because he knows would get into trouble if he 'controls' your liberty.

Bottom line, there are un-written rules when it comes to relationships. You have to be able to judge yourself whether a certain action is acceptable or not.
In the futur, i suggest skipping the girl on girl action, because it can hurt your man's feelings.

Mimmi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 1:47am

Also, the "i was drunk" excuse should never be used.

Mimmi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:54am
I agree that "I was drunk" isn't an excuse, and I even told him that. I also apologized repeatedly that I didn't know his feelings would have changed. Had I known, I never would have done it. But there was no way for me to know. And he did admit that he never really thought it would happen, but he also said that he was okay with it for a couple of days before he decided that I had cheated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:36am

This is a very common reaction to an experience like this. As I always say for an experience like this there is a distinct difference between reality and fantasy. In you BF mind it really turned him on allot but once it did happen he had remorse about it occrring. From your posting I would have to say as his reaction is probably based on realizing that the situation did occur and the emotional reactions that it brings. Emotionally he may have been expecting that this was going to remain a fantasy or something that would happen in the distant future. So when you mentioned it to him he may have been a bit shocked and as the shock wore off he began to become upset about it.

I would have to say in some ways his reaction is like a mourning process and probably is the result of not enough communication between the two of in regards to this matter. Please do not think I am blaming you, as I am not. What I am suspecting is that this is something that may have been talked about in passing between the two of you but for some reson he did not comprehend that this situation could occur. In my opinion he is responsible for his own emotions and the first thing you need to do is not to feel guilty about it. Next thing is to sit down with him and talk to him about it. Main thing is to be rational and calm about the discussion. Do not get into name calling or finding ways to escalate it. You may find afterwards his attitude about the situation changes.

In the future should you do something like this again consider the following:

A debriefing session. Meaning you let him know right afterwards and both of you can discuss what occurred and feelings. Even if you cannot reach him trying sending a text message, email, or voice message asking him to call you.

Talk to him about limits and boundries. I am wondering a bit if this is not a part of the problem. Maybe things went further than what he thought they would or maybe he thought he had an understanding with you about what activities would occr / not occur.

Agree to rules for this type of activity incluidng like not going to bed mad and not holding this type of activity against you.

Avoid name calling and words that could hurt his feelings (e.g. that was the best experience. she made me feel things that I never felt before). Remember even with expereinced people in this type of situation no one wants to be made to feel inferior. Basically be sensitive to the situation and what he may be going through.

Find ways to strengthen your relationship.

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