Difference in libido?
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| Tue, 06-28-2005 - 10:29pm |
I'm new to this board, so something along these lines might have already been posted by other members. My apologies if that's the case.
I'm a 33 y/o male and have been with my wife for almost 10 years. She's only a few years younger than me and we have no kids. She's the perfect woman for me in every regard. Our relationship is excellent and we have a great life style. However, here's the bump in the road. My libido is a lot higher than hers. Being male I realise that that's not so unusual. It's just frustrating. I could have sex every day but of course don't ask her that often as it would never happen. If I do initiate it a couple of times a week, more often than not I get rejected. Not in a harsh way, just the usual: I don't feel like it, not now, i'm tired etc. It's gotten to a point where I don't feel like being rejected and don't even initiate sex anymore. As a result my right hand has gotten a lot stronger in recent times. Also, when we actually do have sex she's fairly conservative (doesn't enjoy getting or giving oral too much, she doesn't masturbate and doesn't like me watching her do it, doesn't like me looking at her face when we have sex and especially when she has an orgasm, is not into toys, lingerie, being verbal, variety etc). Basically it's 2 or 3 positions in bed and that's it. We've tried to talk about it but we don't really get to a conclusion. I've tried weekends away, romantic dinners and more. We get back into the same old routine shortly after that. Any ideas from a female perspective would be appreciated. Guys, feel free to give me your thoughts as well. :-)

I read your question and just had to respond. I am a 33 yr old, single woman and while I cannot say what your wife is feeling or thinking I can appreciate your concern. I have to say though in my relationships I am usually the one initiating (perhaps thats why I am single..wink)
For most women sex is emotional so instead of trying to romance her or communicate about sex, try talking about her day, her thoughts, her feelings. You may be surprised-make the focus on everything but sex. Do you kiss her without it leading anywhere? Hug her without groping her? Try playing innocent and flirt with no pressure after a week she should be begging for some 'real' attention!
Ps
Doing the dishes without being asked could be considered foreplay by some standards
Reading your post makes me very sad! I don't truly understand women like that. I totally agree with Themsfab, though, that "sex" doesn't start in the bedroom.....it starts early in the day, in the kitchen, or some other place. And, "libido" isn't only a physical thing, a good part of it is mental. You have to WANT to be sexual! For instance, did you know that Viagra doesn't work if the DESIRE isn't there?
Some women are taught young that sex is bad, that "nice girls" don't enjoy sex, that men are animals, but we have to put up with them just a little if we marry them. I know I was! But, that was back in the 50's. Some women are brainwashed by religion....that sex is for procreation only, not for pleasure. I was lucky.......I learned early on that I was an adult, and I could think for myself. I got married young, to an inexperienced man, and he didn't know ANYTHING about giving a woman pleasure. BUT, I still enjoyed giving HIM pleasure. It took me years to find out that I could have pleasure too, and then find someone who would GIVE me that pleasure.
I've never been like your wife......but I can imagine the mindset. I have friends who tell me they gave up "all that stuff" years ago. I can only feel sad for them. I wonder if she realizes the extent of your frustration? I wonder if she realizes that if she continues to be this way, your frustration might get you to the point where you'll look for intimacy elsewhere?
I think you need to have a GOOD long talk with her, and tell her how you're feeling. It might even take some counselling to get her to relax and learn to enjoy sex. Personally, I can't imagine any woman who's experienced wild abandoned sex with multiple orgasms ever rejecting a return engagement. But, maybe that's just me.
By the way, I'm 69, soon to be 70, and I'm not married, but I have an SO, and it might not be as often as younger people, but trust me, it's JUST as good, if not better than when we were younger. My only regret is that I didn't find a really good lover when I WAS younger.....but better late than never.
Start talking, and try to forget your frustration....don't STOP being loving outside the bedroom. As Themsfab suggested......show affection often....without trying to have sex. You never know, you might catch her at the right moment, when her "guard" is down. Good Luck!
Well, it's the opposite situation in my marriage. I have the higher drive but my DH and I been happily married for almost 30 yrs. so differences in libido CAN be managed if both partners are willing to make some compromises. My DH meets me in the middle on frequency and I take care of myself when necessary. Few couples have matching natural libidos though.
Tell your wife that you don't feel quite as close to her now because you haven't been sexual. Remind her that men need sex to be intimate and feel bonded to their spouse. Let her know that you're beginning to feel neglected and frustrated and that can eventually turn into resentment, which will only damage your overall relationship. Your relationship must be nurtured or it will suffer. And sex is part of a healthy relationship.
IF she needs to talk with her gyno about possible hormonal problems, then encourage her to get that checked. This sounds like a case of the lazies or boredom to me though.
Ask her to commit to a sex schedule for 30 days. That's how long it takes to create a habit. No, it's not very spontaneous but necessary to get her used to sex on a regular basis again. She needs to be able to prepare herself mentally for those days and expect sex and YOU need to be able to count on that release for yourself regularly.
Use a calender to mark those days that you can agree on, but BE REALISTIC in your expectations, start with two days a week. If she's never been a very sexual person, she probably won't be changing any time soon.
Agree to discuss any conflicts immediately so that you aren't taking any anger or negative feelings to bed with you at night. Remind her that you want to GIVE her pleasure as much as receive.
And most importantly, the couple that remains sexually active throughout their married life is typically the one that stays healthy and happily married.
Edited 6/29/2005 5:37 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
I can't believe all these comments by women who have higher sex drives than their husbands. I should get my wife to hang out with you. :-)
But seriously, I do appreciate your comments and I have to say that a lot of what you have said is totally right. greenteabag, the thing you mentioned about sex being bad and that nice girls are not supposed to like it, I think that's definitely somewhere in the equasion. I also like the calendar idea, katmandoo2001. That sounds like a plan. I'll get straight onto it after this message. ;-)
I think another thing is that she doesn't completely let go during sex. She's always careful what she does and even after almost 10 years together is still embarassed to do certain things and conscious of what I might think. I've told her so many times that there's nothing she could possibly do during sex that would turn me off. I'm a big fan of a woman showing enthusiasm and going wild (aren't we all), but she just seem to be totally uncomfortable with it.
The main problem, as I see it, is that she's just not that interested in sex. For me it's a major part of a relationship and for her it's not. If the rest of the relationship is good, then she's happy. I really try my best to satisfy her with different techniques, positions etc etc (god the internet is good for such research), so she definitely doesn't have a selfish lover on her hands. I'll try some of your suggestions though.
Thanks to everyone for their comments, even though most were from women with high sex drives... LOL