Difficult situation
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 5:35pm |
This summer I started dating my best friend of over a year and it's been over 7 months. It is absolutely the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. In September we both went to our respective schools and have been surviving a long distance relationship ever since. I don't get to see him often (about once every 2 months :( ). However, I was home for 2 weeks for Christmas, and things were wonderful, except for one little thing. He came to my house one day early in my break, and things got pretty heated. After hours of fourplay, we decided to take it to the next level (we're both virgins). We had talked about it before, and decided we were ready but we'd let it happen when it happened. The problem happened after he put on the condom. Things were fine up until right as he went to enter me, he lost his erection entirely. He got a little upset, but we slowed down and tried again when he was ready. But it happened again. He was upset, but I assured him that it was truly okay. Although I'm ready, I'm in no rush because I really think we're going to last for a very very long time and I told him this. The thing is, he wasn't embarassed or anything, but he felt really guilty for "ruining it for me". I don't think of it that way at all. I love him, and to me, it's not a big deal. And he knows I'm being honest, and after a long talk and lots of reassurance he seemed over it. However, since then, we haven't tried again because he seems hesitant. Everything in our relationship is perfect. After our first attempt he kept saying "this isn't like me" and it's true. He can maintain an erection for ages during foreplay and oral sex, it was just actual intercourse. So, my question is...how do I get him to relax and regain his confidence? Like I said, I'm not in any rush at all...I just hate the thought of him being self-conscious. And, like I said, we've already talked about it. I won't see him again until February when I'll be visiting him at school for a week, and I don't this to be a source of anxiety for him. Any ideas? Thanks!
-sassy

One of three things could be happening here....he really may NOT be ready to move on to intercourse yet and his body is telling on him OR he's so nervous about your expectations and letting you down that his erection deflates at the worst time OR he's simply not able to respond to vaginal stimulation yet. And all of this is completely normal, too.
Believe me, for a man, manual and oral stimulation FEEL different than intercourse. Vaginal stimulation can be less intense for him at first. A vagina simply can't grip an erection like a hand can so he'll need to get used to that with time. Just as for women, it takes practice, feeling comfortable with each other and oneself, and plenty of patience and exploration to really enjoy intercourse, much less orgasm.
Take your time, move on when you both feel comfortable and enjoy each session for what it is, with no expectation otherwise, you can start a vicious cycle of anxiety and failure.
Losing erections the first time is so common....but guys can't accept that easily. Try to explain to him that it IS common, and it's nothing more than nervousness. The best thing you can do is tell him nicely that you've been happy with things the way they were right along, and you're happy staying in that place till he feels ready to try again.
No matter what you say, he's going to feel like a failure unless he can understand that it happens to most guys occasionally. Maybe he needs to talk to some of his friends about it, and I'm sure they can tell him it happened to them, too.
He just has to somehow learn to get over it, and understand he's not a failure, and there's nothing wrong with him.