disturbed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
disturbed
2
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:24pm

I've been married with my DH for 10 years - we married young, but never have had any regrets - Its been a wonder fullfilling relationship. Open, plenty of communication, happy sex life, even with very differnt libidos we've always compromised and found solutions.

Well this past month he has worked really long hours due to some staffing changes. This should change as soon as the transition is complete.

Normally we watch porn together, never apart. We use it occasionally as a spicy change to get us really worked up before sex. Neither of us have ever been much fond of the idea of us watching it secretly.

Well over the past month his libido went really low - no sex or play at all. I started feeling neglected, tried to seduce him, try some new approaches nothing worked. He was very tired which I understood and did not make complaints.

Even being understanding, I couldnt help feeling a bit neglected and started punishing myself with thoughts of him being bored and tired of me. Of The possibility he no longer found me attrative, even tho he reassured me He thinks I am wonderful and beautiful. These feelings are sometimes hard to brush aside and as hard as I tried I could not shake the feeling of be unwanted.

Well one night I was really feeling horny - wanted him so badly. I rubbed on him and talked sweet to him all night - dropping hints. He plays online poker sometimes so was in the other room much of the evening, but I took time to come in and give him attention every few minutes - dropping hints, kissing him etc.. everytijme I came in the room he hurriedly closed a music program we have. He ussually listens to music when he is on the computer so I thought nothing of it, other than him getting rid of the distraction while I came in the room.

Later that night I gave him a blowjob - hoping it would turn into something more - It didnt but I didnt mind - he has had a long day at work and it gave me pleasure to give him some release... although I was a tad disappointed.

I had a important Job interview the next day and Could not sleep, So I got up and listened to some music while playing a computer game to pass some hours... while searching for a song I came across porn videos he had downloaded that day and watched in the backroom while I was not in the room, and hid them when I walked in the room. I was shocked, we'd never hid this sort of thing from eachother before, its always something we had shared. And I was HURT beyond words that he would find satisfaction in these clips rather than coming to me when HE KNEW I was feeling badly about our sex life and desired him so much. I was also a little disgusted with the types of porns he was watching - some were very rough involving hitting and degrading of women.

It was 4am at this point - I woke him and confronted him. Not angrily, more hurt - WHY would you do this when you know I am here for you and that I have been yearning for you? He didnt know what to say accept be defensive and respond with anger.

My Husband has always been a very kind and gentle man - calm and thoughtful - I couldnt imagine HIM watching violent porn movies...

The next day after both had calmed down we discussed it. I told him why I was so upset about it, and he understood. He also claimed he never meant to download violent porns - Saying that he was just downloading randomly and watching a bit of each - he didnt know some contained violent scenes and he expressed disgust that we even had that sort of stuff on our computer and immeadietely went and deleted everything saying he was ashamed that this sort of snuff was on our computer. That he didnt mean to download that sort of thing.

I trust him, I am rather firm in my belief that my husband wouldnt actively search out anything of that nature...

but all the same - this eveing we had planned on putting our kids to bed early and having a night together with lots of pleasurable things involved. But here I am dwelling on my hurt, dwelling on him not really wanting me only using my body while thinking of pornos and other women. Its my own personal head problem I know. But I feel like tonight will end badly as I just dont feel much attracted to my husband, I dont want to be a object while he fantasizes over skanks on film.

Help me, My Husband has really done nothing wrong other than look at some porn when he was tired but horny. The nasty porns I am sure were downloaded accidently while looking for other things more his taste... But still I hurt knowing he didnt care for me and my needs enough to come to me, rather he wanted someone or something else to satisfy him.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: totalkhaos
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 6:12pm
Talk with him and be honest about your hurt and how this has affected your attraction for him, at least for the moment. We all need our own private time, but if you had agreed that porn would be a tool that you would use as a couple, then he needs to respect your feelings. Keep the lines of communication open and let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
In reply to: totalkhaos
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 6:48pm

thank you for your responce.

I know and knew I just needed to let it go. It was just really hurtful at the time. I would been irriated that he didnt invite me to watch too any other time, but this time was different concidering the feelings he knew I was having due to his lack of energy.

One thing has just impacted the other until its been very hard for me to let go and enjoy his companionship.

Other than this one event he has been so loving and giving over the years and even now. Its just so unlike him and really bothered me.

I guess its time for me to just buck up and get over the little things. That was one day out of 10 years and he made ammends as best he could. Now its up to me to get over feeling sorry for myself.