Do I ask my male friend to have sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Do I ask my male friend to have sex?
8
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 7:03pm

Well, that's pretty much it! Should I tell my male friend that I am very interested in having sex with him? What would a guy think about that? All cultural stereotypes would suggest that I'm on fairly safe ground in terms of not getting rejected, but I hate to go along with stereotypes...

He is an acquaintance who, over a period of a few months, has become a friend. He currently does not have a significant other; I currently do not have a significant other. He did know my former parnter, but he knew us as a couple, he did not have a one on one friendship with my former (and, my former is now on the other side of the country, doing his own thing).

We are both late 30s (well alright I'm 40!!!) - point being, we have each had other major relationships. I am interested in a romantic relationship with him, but I'm not 100% sure we would be 'right' for each other in that way. I AM sure that I would f**k him. To be blunt, I am very horny, but not into pick-up sex at all. This guy, in my view, is a very compatible companion for sex. I have a feeling he would be into that too, but I don't want to freak him out.

We do currently see each other, rent a movie together here and there, talk on the phone once in a while, chat endlessly when we run in to each other (smallish town). I have spent quite a few evenings lying on his sofa (I was going to say 'couch' - do you say that in the US?) and rubbing his feet. I'm pretty sure there's some nice sexual tension there.. but it has been very VERY tentative so far..

So, considering it is the 21st century, may I bluntly inform him that I would enjoy having sex with him? Guys, what do you think? Girls, what do you think?

(this is 'new ground' for me - I have never been in this situation before)

I would definitely appreciate your thoughts! Thanks team!

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 8:47pm

if you are interested in more than sex, but are willing to settle for just sex don't approach it so bluntly because then you are defining the relationship just on sexual terms. i would say be more subtle, include more flirting and body contact in your dynamic and see if he responds. also, do not assume he'll sleep with you just cause he's a guy...chances are good, but guys have preferences and feelings too and not all guys are into the 'just sex' scenerio.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 12:46am
If you ask him and he declines will you lose the friendship? Are you willing to lose the friendship? What you are suggesting is FOB - friends with benefit and for some couples it works but not for many. There are many posts on this subject and the concensus is that one partner will develop feelings beyond the sex, while the other partner won't. I'm all for being blunt with what you want, however what will be your needs in two months? In six? In nine? IMO opinion, FOB can work, but it has to take great communication and honestly from both parties and an agreement on if it can go beyond sex. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 4:39am

>>>Well, that's pretty much it! Should I tell my male friend that I am very interested in having sex with him? What would a guy think about that? All cultural stereotypes would suggest that I'm on fairly safe ground in terms of not getting rejected, but I hate to go along with stereotypes...<<<

Gussgirl your friend may be interested in sex with you it is hard to tell for sure but to find out someone has to take a risk. Guys have been the sex that has put it out there and been rejected a lot but connected some also. I think the main thing, that most guys fear with the sex thing, is getting pulled into a marriage. If he thinks that the sex is just a ploy to get him to the alter he may get cold feet other wise I think most guys would be up for it.

I would suggest watching a sexy movie when you guys are together and when some hot scene is on say something like "god this movie just reminds me that I am dying for some sex". He should provide some feed-back on that comment with something like "me too" and if that is his response you can say something like "I will scratch your itch if you will scratch mine". That would get the idea on the table without taking too much risk.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 5:27pm

Seems to me that if he was interested in a sexual relationship with you, he would have made a move by now. Especially since you've been giving him the go-ahead in nonverbal ways.

Of course, he may be timid or dense in that regard, but most guys, if you're allowing some physical contact and there's a certain comfort, would have attempted to move things along by now. In other words, you wouldn't HAVE to ask him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 8:51pm
ONLY if you REALLY want to have sex with HIM!
It's a cinch that he's considered it long before you
ever had the notion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 1:45am
If you really want to ask him...I would just be honest. If all you want is sex and not a serious relationship...then said that. If you want to f*** and also date, then say that. Then the ball (no pun intended) is in his court. In a way, it's a win-win situation, he get laid either way. But if he starts falling in love, and all you wanted was sex, you may have a problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 3:04am
I did exactly what you did. My male friend and I were chilling on a mountain top and got to talking and we were like we both never had sex on a mountain (with our SO's) and then we're like well first time for everything. So we both scratched an itch... so I guess if he's a really good friend and you both know each other's sexual history (i.e places you've had sex before) casually mention some places you haven't done..I'm sure he'll be up for it :)
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 06-10-2006 - 6:51pm

I'm not entirely sure that a sex-only relationship would be what you want out of this. You talk about a romantic relationship too. If you're not careful you could find that you'd set yourself up for a sex-only, friends with benefits, type of sitation only to find that you DID want more than just sex later down the track and he's happy with just sex and no commitment or restrictions.

If you set yourself up for a romantic relationship that includes sex, then you may find that you don't want to "date" him once you get to know him on an intimate sexual relationship level rather than as just a friend. Kind of like being between a rock and a hard place in some ways.

I think that you need to decide what you want from him before you make a move on him. Do you want him for sex only - and suffer the consequences if he finds another woman to date or have a relationship with. Or do you try for a proper relationship with him that includes sex and commitment?

As for making the move itself? Asking him for sex and laying some groundrules is fine. It's very assertive no matter how you look at it and he might get a surprise but I doubt that he'd be "upset" at being propositioned if you did it in the right way.