Do most women really hate sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Do most women really hate sex?
23
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 1:20pm

I am a first time writer and here because I told my wife I would find a board and seek out the truth.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 1:42pm

Hi fish992,


I'm sorry your wife feels the way she does. Has she always disliked sex or did she used to enjoy it? If she enjoyed it, was the change gradual or sudden?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 2:00pm

Thanks Em.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 3:51pm

Welcome to the board, fish992.

I think it's more that women are complicated sexually than it is a lack of interest. As Em said, there are tons of things in life that can affect your wife's perception of sex, but I personally think that all women can like sex if they have a positive outlook on it.

Think about it like this ....

If you have a job you love, it doesn't feel much like a chore to go to work. If you have a job you don't get many rewards from, it's not likely you'll enjoy it, thus, it will seem much more like a chore to do your work.

Often women are raised to believe that sex is bad, only for men to enjoy, something you do for your husband, and so many other things. Even masturbation is often discouraged, and if a woman doesn't have the opportunity to learn about her body, she will likely be stifled, sexually. She may have a low libido because of it. Men have very obvious responses to sexual stimulation -- women need to learn how their bodies respond to various types of sexual stimulation.

I agree that most of the women you encounter on this board are women who enjoy sex, or at least women who are currently enjoying sex (or wish to). For many of us, that enjoyment has been all over the spectrum throughout our adult life.

Early in adulthood, I was definitely a nympho. I never imagined that I would spend any part of my life uninterested in sex. I didn't marry until I was 27, and several years into the marriage, I discovered that I had no sex drive whatsoever. There were many contributing factors (stress, kids, money, depression to name some of them), and while I was in shock at myself, I had little energy to want to make any changes. My life has changed a lot since then, and my libido has returned stronger than ever.

I'm not sure of your age, but menopause is something that also can make a difference in a woman's libido. If you wife has an interest in becoming more sexual, she can have her hormone levels tested by her doctor. That can help to determine what could be causing her lack of interest, and the doctor may be able to prescribe medications if she is indeed having an issue due to hormone levels. Outside of that, it's mainly a psychological issue.

In all honesty, I've never heard a woman flat out say she hates sex. I have heard women complain about their sex lives with their partner, but most of those complaints have been that they want to be more satisfied, not less. That isn't from the boards here, that's from real life experiences, so I think that is a better sampling of people.

If you want to get some ideas of ways to help your wife be more interested in sex, you might want to start a new discussion for that. I don't want to post more here than what you're interested in, but to give you an idea of the complicated sexuality of women, you may want to take a look at the website, www.the-clitoris.com. You may want to share it with your wife also ....

I actually have a friend who is 68 years old. About a year ago we had a conversation. She had never heard of a clitoris! After not seeing her for some time, she mentioned that she still can't figure out what it is -- even with the information I gave her.

Your wife may be well aware of her sexuality, but the thought that someone who can experience an orgasm, yet not enjoy it is a little perplexing. We're all happy to offer advice and help you and your wife figure it out if that's what you would like.

As far as her comment that this message board is for overly active sexual women, iVillage is designed to be a destination for women. While many of us on the boards do promote a healthy sexual outlook, there are tons and tons of articles here that offer advice too. I can refer you to some, or you (or you and your wife) can do a search of iVillage and come up with tons of information.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:00pm

I'm 49 years old, been with dh for 30 years, married 28 and I never hated sex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 7:00am

High Fish, I can't speak for all women nor can I claim to be an expert but experience with my own lovely wife of nearly 24 years, I have gained perspective at least where she's concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 9:47am

IMO. the description of your wife's lack of desire is really common. I know so many women who feel this way. I was just talking with a group of girl friends about 2 weeks ago. *they* (not I) were complaining about their DHs not doing enough around the house and helping with kids etc. I was giving some advice and one response was, "does that mean I have to put out?" and the others

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2008
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 11:18am

Hi!

 

Avatar for sandie5
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 1:04pm

I hear other married women say about the same thing as your wife. That sex is just too much bother for the little you get. Yeah, as married folks we do have to invest a bit more time and effort into it.


But I figure what other things are there in life that are good fun? Food can be great but otherwise what else is there? A good roll in the hay can be the most fun we can have. Doesn't raise our cholesterol, doesn't make us gain weight etc.


Boy, if your wife could be 17 again, meeting a cute guy at the school dance, sex wouldn't look like a chore, now would it? I imagine I'm that 17 year old but I'm better off. I don't have to worry about STDs, pregnancy, or where to have sex. All those 17 year olds wish they could have as much sex as your wife could.


Maybe the problem is it's really too available and easy to get sex at her age.


Sandie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 2:03pm
Welcome to the board, Sandie, and thanks for joining in.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 2:22pm

Thanks all, please keep commenting.


I found this on mismatched libido board that seems to fit. This is from T-Man and there were over sixty comments, any thoughts?


This post evolved from someone who was thinking of getting married and wanted to know how to avoid some of the heartache she witnessed on this board. She was a virgin and intended to stay one until she was married. Quite a challenge, to say the least! But there *are* read flags a person might be able to identify. Some require a form of sex, but many do not. Some may find the list helpful. Some may not. And for too many, it might be too late to matter, anyway.


Finally, each of the items on this list can be (and has been) critically dissected. Just because a person has one or two of these characteristics does not necessarily mean they are Low Libido (LL). There are legitmate nonlibido-related reasons for each. But taken in aggregate, having several of these can be a warning someone might chose to heed before making a longterm committment. In anycase, they would be worth discussing with any perspective partner before deepening the relationship. Yes, these ARE generalizations. Approach and apply with caution. YMMV and other disclaimers apply.


Here's my TOP 10 ways to identify a LL person...


First off, the odds of landing a LL guy or a guy who will have a substantial low libido problem at some point in your relationship is about 20%, which is way higher than most folks think. This is based on some of the research I've read. Sorry I don't have the citations, but check the Journal of Marital and Family Counselling for starters.


FYI, the odds of landing a similarly LL wife (or one that will turn out LL) for the guys is 60% based on the same research. Give or take 5%.


While predicting who is and who isn't going to be LL is difficult, I have seen some common themes from being on this board for 4+ years. A Low Libido (LL) person typically:


1. Has no time or inclination towards sexual topics, items or subjects. This could be porn, lingerie, certain T.V. shows, books, pictures, etc. It does nothing for them, or precious little. If this is true for your guy, beware. Double beware if they are turned-off and disgusted by any or all of the above. Porn is controversial, but guys are generally more accepting and responsive.


2. Has no sexual fantasies. This is huge and consistent. Most of us, when we ask our LL spouses what their sexual fantasies are, they report that they don't really have any. Or have very few or something very tame, like sex in a water bed or something. Not all fantasies have to come true but sexually healthy people do have fantasies and have them on a regular basis. They don't have to work on thinking about sex. To a high libido person, thinking and fantasizing are as natural as gravity.


3. Thinking, talking and having sex is a chore. Generally, LL folks lose energy when they have to relate on a sexual level, and they tire of it easily and quickly. HL generally gain energy as the level of sexual tension increases. Sex increases the well-being of people with high sexual thresholds, and not having sex bothers and hurts them on many, many levels. Sexual pressure tends to have the opposite effect on LL individuals, who will experience and express great anxiety and distress dealing with sexual matters.


4. Low libido people are generally easily and quickly satiated. Read an article below concerning LL from a sensory integration framework for more detail. In a nutshell, after having sex, the LL person will be satisfied for a longer period of time. They get irritated in a major way if they just finish having sex (meaning it was just an hour, a day, a week or even a month ago) and their partner tries to intiate again too soon. For HL folks, the more they have, the more they seem to want. The LL individual may regard having sexual contact again as overkill and may even be turned off.


5. The LL person will generally have more boundries and limitations on sexual practices. There are a slew of us on here who have partners who refuse to have oral sex with us. Some are okay with giving and more are okay with recieving, but it is almost universal that our LL partners will have some aversion to oral sex in some way. Or in any way, as in the case with my DW. The absence of variety and kinkiness may relate to the dearth of a fantasy life for LL people. 69ing is not a regular component of the menu for any of us HL CL folks. Most people have boundries, but the sexual space of low libido individuls tends to be more limited as they tend to have more narrow zones of comfort.


6. Kissing. There are a bunch of us who have partners who refuse to give us open-mouthed or long, deep, passionate kisses. If your virgin fiance isn't looking for your tonsils (in apparent sexual frustration) I'd be concerned. But that's just me. For some, this relates again to a narrow comfort zone and the seeming insatiable demand for intimacy from a HL partner. Kissing is a physical and deeply intimate expression that could be analogous to sexual style and preference.


7. Initiating. This is also a sore spot, as most HL people on this board complain that if they don't intiate, nothing is going to happen. Or they have given up, simply because they have been turned down so often. The LL partner generally intiates on an infrequent basis, if at all.


8. Talking about sex is different. The LL partner generally talks about "giving it up" or "giving the person sex" or "giving in", and refers to the other partner as the one "getting it" as in "I just gave you some (last month), and I can't believe you are interested in getting it again!" While the HL person may use similar language, such as "Pleeeze?! Can I pleeeeze have a little somethin'?" they are more likely to refer to it as a shared experience. The HL partner's fantasy includes being with someone who truly enjoys being with them, finds them sexually exciting really, really wants to jump their bones and responds with lust, desire and passion. All of these components indicate a more shared experience from the HL standpoint. Our partners frequently view it from the standpoint of enduring it and wanting to get it over with.


9. Sex is not worth the effort. Often there are many obstacles to having sex, including work, schedules, physical stress, children, intramarital tensions and other factors that make sex a goal that seems far away. For the LL person, there is a very finite amount of energy that should be expended towards sex. If there are conflicts or obstacles, sex quickly gets put on the back burner. Circumstances sometimes warrant this, but the HL partner will almost always find ways of overcoming or working around these obstacles. The LL person will allow circumstances control and ultimately crowd out time, energy or thoughts of sex. They are often too tired for sex. The HL is more often too tired of NOT having sex!


10. Hostility towards discussing the topic. Generally, the LL folks regard having to discuss the clashing libido issue as pressure, which leads to #9. They will generally avoid the subject and definitely avoid discussing the problem or deny that there is one at all. Included in this is shifting responsibility back to the other partner. The problem should be a *shared* concern, not just a matter of fixing one person or the other. Chances are, both partners have contributed and both need to be involved in mending the relationship. However, the LL partner's refusal to even discuss the topic (see #1) makes resolving any issues or problems almost impossible and the problem simply becomes more aggrevated and vexing.


One more disclaimer - this is not to imply that having a low libido is wrong even if society deems it so. We're a highly sexed culture. If a person is LL, it would seem reasonable that they would conciously seek out those who are similarly compatible rather than inviting longterm and devastating conflict. However, consider Items #1 and #10 especially and carefully. Not having a sex drive doesn't have to be a problem to matched couples. Hiding and evading discussions of the topic ARE serious problems that indicate other, deeper problems. So this list (while certainly not exhaustive) might be useful to them as well as to HL folks looking to avoid longterm conflict and pain IF they take the time to discuss some of these issues. -- T-man






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