Does attraction mean everything?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Does attraction mean everything?
20
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:03pm

I recently posted a discussion about my husbands LL, and have been thinking about getting something off my chest. This is the only place I feel comfortable getting honest advice without ruining my marriage. The thing is, I don't know if I'm attracted to my husband. I love everything else about him. He is SO good to me, other than our sexual problems, and he completely supports me financially while I'm finishing school. He just bought me a new car as well. I DO love him...I don't have a question about that. The thing is, though, I don't think he is very attractive. He always tells me I'm out of his league, and I always tell him he is so silly for thinking these things. I tell him how hot he is all the time, but the truth is I say these things because I want him to feel good about himself, not because I really feel this way. Some days I'm upset with myself because I know I could have married someone better looking. I do know one thing, I doubt I could ever find someone who treats me with the love and respect as my husband. So that leads me to the question, is attraction that big a deal? I have

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:27pm

"Better Looking" people turn out just as old & wrinkly as "Not Hott" people. Even if you found this better looking person, he probably wouldn't be as good to you, because he'd be hot & could get away with it.


Isn't there anything you like about your man physically?


Does he have nice hair, does he have kind eyes,

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:32pm
There are definitely things I like about his looks. I married him because I LOVE him. I kept telling myself that looks wouldn't make me happy. He treats me so well and is so intelligent. He has some medical problems, though...and some of them are physical. Nothing major, but people notice sometimes. I love little things about his looks, but overall don't think he is really attractive. Other people don't think he is either...I had people questioning my choice in him because of his looks. He doesn't look weird..hehe..but I do admit that I am very attractive and people thought I was settling. Do you think I settled? He loves me so much and would do anything for me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:51pm

I'm not the best person to give advice on these things, I don't have much experience with relationships at all.


As a girl with an anthropology degree, I can tell you that we are highly visual creatures, I won't get into the technical stuff about it, but we are more visual than most mammals in general.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:11pm

I heard the best line in a movie the other day & think it applies here.


"It's only embarassing, if you care what other people think."


Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:49pm

I know others will disagree with my views on this, but I'll put them out there anyway. I think when you're really in love with a person, attractiveness has very little to do with how the package is wrapped.

In all honesty, my husband is very attractive for his "age", or is he? He'll be 55 in a couple of months, and while he doesn't turn heads as the hot hunk walking down the street, people flock to him, especially women. I think others find him attractive in other ways than I do. I actually think about this sometimes, as if I under appreciate his looks. In that thinking, I've discovered that I don't under appreciate his looks -- I just don't base my attraction to him on his looks. Sometimes his weight fluctuates by 20 pounds or so. I notice handles that are a little bigger than they were a month ago. I do enjoy his body a little more when those 20 pounds aren't there, but it's not a substantial difference -- I only realize it when I actually stop to think about it. I look across the room sometimes and notice that he's getting very gray -- almost as if I didn't realize that the day before. I could probably think of many of these situations, but it really boils down to this: I really think I don't see him physically as others do.

He's my husband. He's the person that I can trust. He's my best friend. He's many more things too, but mostly, he's a package deal and that's where I find the attraction. I've been married to this man for more than 16 years, and I still feel like a schoolgirl when he comes through the door - and trust me, that's certainly not because of how he looks at that moment!

Perhaps your friends (or family) that have tried to make you feel as if you "settled" have planted something in your thinking. You say you could be with someone much more physically attractive, but not emotionally attractive. Looks are not a constant, but what's on the inside is. Place your value in that, and not what other people think. My guess would be that there are other things that are making him unattractive in your eyes than just his physical looks. Spend your energy trying to address and fix those things. If you make it over that hurdle, your attraction for him will change.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 8:19pm

**I know others will disagree with my views on this, but I'll put them out there anyway.**


I don't disagree at all.

 

kristi-2.gif picture by redhedgal2001

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:13pm

"I don't disagree at all. Actually, have you ever thought of writing an advice column? Seriously, I think you give some of the best answers and advice...it's like you're a "professional", if there is such a thing."

No, but my hubby sure does think that I should consider that -- writing a column or becoming some sort of "professional" ... as long as it isn't in "the oldest profession".

Thank you Kristi.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 9:07am

You're confusing "attraction" with being "attractive".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 10:14am

Thank you for your advice. I guess I find myself being very defensive. I wonder if this is a good thing? I keep asking myself, "Am I really not in love with him because I realize he isn't the best looking guy out there?" I don't know if that is fair. It's like parents with disfigured children. He's not disfigured...but just using that as an example. They still love their children, but do realize they look different, right? I find myself very defensive against my husband when people look at him or ask him what is wrong with his skin. It's nothing major, but some people (kids usually) notice and ask. So, you think that because I questioned this...I don't really love him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 10:30am

You may "love" him very much.......but that doesn't mean you're "in love" with him.

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