Does attraction mean everything?
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| Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:03pm |
I recently posted a discussion about my husbands LL, and have been thinking about getting something off my chest. This is the only place I feel comfortable getting honest advice without ruining my marriage. The thing is, I don't know if I'm attracted to my husband. I love everything else about him. He is SO good to me, other than our sexual problems, and he completely supports me financially while I'm finishing school. He just bought me a new car as well. I DO love him...I don't have a question about that. The thing is, though, I don't think he is very attractive. He always tells me I'm out of his league, and I always tell him he is so silly for thinking these things. I tell him how hot he is all the time, but the truth is I say these things because I want him to feel good about himself, not because I really feel this way. Some days I'm upset with myself because I know I could have married someone better looking. I do know one thing, I doubt I could ever find someone who treats me with the love and respect as my husband. So that leads me to the question, is attraction that big a deal? I have

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"can someone please give me advice that doesn't make me feel guilty?"
I'm not sure what more you could expect members here to say to you. Seems to me the advice that you're getting is that looks shouldn't be important if you are in love with someone. That if you are truly in love with that person than you will see past their looks. You're also receiving advice that perhaps you're too concerned about what others might think about his looks. You might be processing all of that advice into feeling guilty because it's not how you feel, but you're the only person that can own that guilt.
It's great to want to make your mate feel more confident and better about himself. It's not great to feel like you are somehow being cheated -- especially feeling cheated because he doesn't look some certain way.
What is it that you're really trying to figure out here? Whether you're being shallow (as you have stated wondering about), or whether you're really in love (which you seem to be questioning), or whether the grass might be greener in another pasture (which you seem to be curious about). IF he was better looking, what would that add to your life? If those looks are what you need to make your heart beat strong for him, then obviously, he's not the right guy for you.
I still think you have more than one issue going on. Maybe reading a self help book or seeing a counselor would be the most helpful thing for you. Either of those can be very helpful when trying to put things in perspective.
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" The thing is, though, I don't think he is very attractive. He always tells me I'm out of his league, and I always tell him he is so silly for thinking these things. I tell him how hot he is all the time, but the truth is I say these things because I want him to feel good about himself, not because I really feel this way. Some days I'm upset with myself because I know I could have married someone better looking. I do know one thing, I doubt I could ever find someone who treats me with the love and respect as my husband. "
Sorry if you're feeling guilty from the advice given so far but from what you write, you settled for this guy.
"...because I was worried others thought I could do better."
I think misty made a really interesting point when she said that your feelings and worries are probably about more than just your husband's looks. she said that it would make sense to look at your relationship as a whole, and see what about it is making you unhappy.
you seem to put a lot of burden on yourself, maybe a little too much for your own good. personally, i think i would resent having to tell my husband he's sexy and gorgeous, often when i didn't feel it at all, and i would also be upset if i
Will you please fill in your profile so we can know something about you? Thanks a million.
Oh, please, don't feel like everyone was ganging up on you. I know they didn't mean it that way. That's part of the thing with being here on-line. You can't see someone to get a better idea of what they are saying. They were just trying to get you to realize that looks really aren't that important. Life is too short to worry about pleasing everyone. As long as you and hubby are happy, that's the main thing.
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