Does attraction mean everything?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Does attraction mean everything?
20
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:03pm

I recently posted a discussion about my husbands LL, and have been thinking about getting something off my chest. This is the only place I feel comfortable getting honest advice without ruining my marriage. The thing is, I don't know if I'm attracted to my husband. I love everything else about him. He is SO good to me, other than our sexual problems, and he completely supports me financially while I'm finishing school. He just bought me a new car as well. I DO love him...I don't have a question about that. The thing is, though, I don't think he is very attractive. He always tells me I'm out of his league, and I always tell him he is so silly for thinking these things. I tell him how hot he is all the time, but the truth is I say these things because I want him to feel good about himself, not because I really feel this way. Some days I'm upset with myself because I know I could have married someone better looking. I do know one thing, I doubt I could ever find someone who treats me with the love and respect as my husband. So that leads me to the question, is attraction that big a deal? I have

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 10:57am
I'm not sure you understood what I was saying completely. I know I have a good guy. i have the BEST guy. The reason for my post was because I was worried about my feelings towards his looks. I know looks are everything...but I want to make sure I'm not being shallow. The thing is, his skin issues DO bother him. That is why I try my best to make him feel good about himself. I care about his so much that I don't want him to feel upset about his looks. I realize that many people are being cheated on my good looking guys, that's not really my point. I'm worried about MY relationship. It's not even that I'm thinking of leaving. Our sexual problems might have to do with me and myself alone. I'm just confused. I've only ever been intimate with my husband. I just wanted to see if other people have this issue, even though they are in love with their husbands. I've heard a lot of people say they thought they were in love when they got married, but weren't. It was something that developed over time. Maybe that is where we are? I don't want to just love my husband, I WANT to be in love with him. Maybe I am right now...just because I'm questioning this, does it mean that I'm not in love with him? I don't know if it necessarily does...that was the reason for my post. I just wanted advice. I'm a little upset in the fact that people are making me feel I'm not being fair to my husband. I treat him with love and respect and try to spoil him in every way I can. His income allows for a lot of nice things and I'm always letting him buy toys for himself while I haven't bought new clothes in years! I feel I am very selfless...but this is an issue I'm really confused about and just wanted some advice...can someone please give me advice that doesn't make me feel guilty?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 11:14am

"can someone please give me advice that doesn't make me feel guilty?"

I'm not sure what more you could expect members here to say to you. Seems to me the advice that you're getting is that looks shouldn't be important if you are in love with someone. That if you are truly in love with that person than you will see past their looks. You're also receiving advice that perhaps you're too concerned about what others might think about his looks. You might be processing all of that advice into feeling guilty because it's not how you feel, but you're the only person that can own that guilt.

It's great to want to make your mate feel more confident and better about himself. It's not great to feel like you are somehow being cheated -- especially feeling cheated because he doesn't look some certain way.

What is it that you're really trying to figure out here? Whether you're being shallow (as you have stated wondering about), or whether you're really in love (which you seem to be questioning), or whether the grass might be greener in another pasture (which you seem to be curious about). IF he was better looking, what would that add to your life? If those looks are what you need to make your heart beat strong for him, then obviously, he's not the right guy for you.

I still think you have more than one issue going on. Maybe reading a self help book or seeing a counselor would be the most helpful thing for you. Either of those can be very helpful when trying to put things in perspective.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 3:48pm

" The thing is, though, I don't think he is very attractive. He always tells me I'm out of his league, and I always tell him he is so silly for thinking these things. I tell him how hot he is all the time, but the truth is I say these things because I want him to feel good about himself, not because I really feel this way. Some days I'm upset with myself because I know I could have married someone better looking. I do know one thing, I doubt I could ever find someone who treats me with the love and respect as my husband. "


Sorry if you're feeling guilty from the advice given so far but from what you write, you settled for this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 4:15pm
Thank you for your input. I know this seems unbelievable...but I really don't think my husband has a clue that I don't find him really attractive. My actions have always been that I find him attractive. I'm always touching and cuddling with him and do look at him with love in my eyes. I DO love him. His LL problem is something completely different. I would have sex multiple times a day with him if he let me...but he just doesn't like having sex that often. I honestly don't think these two are related...and believe me when I say this is not me being naive. This was a problem from the beginning of our relationship...when I was head over heals for him. I guess I do admit that I settled with his looks. But I don't think I settled with anything else about it. That is why I posted this board. I guess I wanted others to agree with me that I could have a very happy and fulfilling marriage with someone that I didn't find to be really attractive. Why should looks have to matter? Right? I do care about what others think of me...and I'm trying to work on that. It would be a shame that that is the reason for our marriage to end...because I was worried others thought I could do better. I just wonder if I can get past that. I guess I have good and bad days. Some days I know I love him and our life together...others I feel sad. What does that mean? We are celebrating our one year anniversary soon...maybe this is just the hardest part of our marriage...they say the 1st year is the hardest. I don't know...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 10:00am

"...because I was worried others thought I could do better."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 2:48pm

I think misty made a really interesting point when she said that your feelings and worries are probably about more than just your husband's looks. she said that it would make sense to look at your relationship as a whole, and see what about it is making you unhappy.


you seem to put a lot of burden on yourself, maybe a little too much for your own good. personally, i think i would resent having to tell my husband he's sexy and gorgeous, often when i didn't feel it at all, and i would also be upset if i

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 3:44pm
Looks don't really matter. It's all how you treat each other and everyone else. He's good to you, you're good to him, you love each other.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 4:45pm
We are both in our mid 20's. The issues that bother him are not fixable...and you're right. We love each other...who cares what others think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 8:56pm

Will you please fill in your profile so we can know something about you? Thanks a million.


Oh, please, don't feel like everyone was ganging up on you. I know they didn't mean it that way. That's part of the thing with being here on-line. You can't see someone to get a better idea of what they are saying. They were just trying to get you to realize that looks really aren't that important. Life is too short to worry about pleasing everyone. As long as you and hubby are happy, that's the main thing.




28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 10:08pm
Thanks!

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