Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?
43
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:38am

Ever since I started browsing through the i-village sex and love sections, I keep reading/hearing about how important oral sex is. This is an unpleasant surprise.

My 15+ year marriage ended a bit over a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. Almost until the end we had a satisfying sex life that did not include oral sex. I do not regard oral sex as necessary to a close and intimate relationship and I am worried that I am now entered in a dating world that "requires" oral sex. Can anyone reassure me?

By oral sex I mean mouth to genital stimulation that leads to orgasm. I'm okay with mouthing/licking of the genitals as part of foreplay-- a brief, tintillating, sensual experience that gets one aroused for more. What I dislike is to spend a long time (or to have my partner spend a long time) with the mouth on the genitals. I don't really like semen in my mouth either, but that is secondary. I just don't find oral sex fun.

I guess I have always felt "disconnected" from my partner during oral sex and I think it is because you can't really see the whole person or talk/murmur sweet nothings, really do anything but pay attention to the genitals when you are serious about bringing someone to orgasm through oral sex. While with intercourse or manual stimulation, you can be face to face, looking a each other's expressions, looking at the whole body, caressing the whole person with your hands and eyes, talking a little...

Am I alone in this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 10:02am

No sex act is necessary in a relationship, it only depends on the two people involved and what they both want to do.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 10:21am

No one HAS to have any kind of sex, if it's not their "cup of tea". We all set our own standards and boundaries, and hopefully, we wind up with someone who feels the same way.

I don't honestly see the distinction between "part of foreplay" and "spending a long time with mouth on genitals". I also don't get the "need" for "face-to-face" at all times. But again, it's everyone's choice what they like to do, will do or won't do.

Now that you're starting to date, NOTHING is "required" if you don't like it, or don't want to do it. Unfortunately, it might be a "deal breaker" with some people, but it's your choice, and if the deal is "broken" that's also your choice.

If you're confident in yourself and your own choices, that's all you need to worry about. You don't have to "follow the crowd". It's always YOUR choice.

PS: As we mature, our own ideas and proclivities can change. What seemed "mundane" in our past can sometimes become important to us. We become more confident in ourselves, and our ideas about what's important (or fulfilling) can change. We also learn that it's just as important for our pleasure to "give" pleasure as it is to receive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:32am

Thanks for your reply.

Personally, I don't "get" why people want to spend a lot of time mouthing each others' genitals. It makes as much sense to me as holding feet instead of holding hands.

Before my marriage, when I was in my early twenties, I did have oral sex with two guys. One guy wanted blow jobs as proof of my love for him. Apparently it didn't work they other way around: he could show his love for me by getting his jollies in some other ways. (We did engage in a variety of positions, types of foreplay, etc.) Frankly, I found it boring. Yeah, it's very nice to give something to someone else, but I wasn't getting enough out of it. I also felt that part of the pleasure my boyfriend was getting out of this was the feeling that he was being "served," that his orgasm was getting my 100% attention (instead of me thinking of my own orgasm). This relationship lasted maybe eight months after we became intimate, and I know that part of the reason I stopped caring for him was that I felt pressured to "service" him. So it can be a deal breaker in the other direction also.

Another boyfriend felt that for oral sex to be "fair" we had to do it to each other. I found cunnilingus really nice as foreplay, but when it came close to the orgasm, I preferred penetration--it worked better. And this guy didn't insist on coming inside my mouth, he was okay with starting out with me taking him in my mouth but finishing it off with my hands. This relationship broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with sex (career goal conflicts, mainly).

My next real relationship was with the man who became my husband and is now my ex. He was a premature ejaculator, so a lot of our effort was spent trying to keep him from achieving orgasm too soon.

We learned to do a lot of different things so that he could prolong the pleasure for himself and also satisfy me. Oral sex just wasn't right for us. He did not care for fellatio because it didn't last very long and, as I said, I like cunnilingus as part of something more, not as the only form of stimulation. Sometimes after intercourse, if I hadn't come during intercourse (which happened often enough with a premature ejaculator) he'd use oral as well as digital stimulation to satisfy me. Or if we were going for a second round, I might help him get aroused through oral stimulation. We didn't see oral sex as a major component of our sex life. It was just something that we did as part of a larger experience of intimacy.

To me, that seems healthy and normal. I feel that we were designed for genital sex--that everything else is secondary.

I agree that different people have different preferences and that no one should "have" to do anything they don't want to. What I am trying to understand is why there is this so much emphasis on oral sex in and of itself. So I appreciate your answer.

In addition, I am hoping to hear from people who, like me so far, have had satisfactory (even exciting) sex lives without too much oral sex. Anyone out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 12:10pm

Thanks for your reply.

I think it's great that people should do what works for them as a couple. If you enjoy dressing up like King Kong and Faye Rae (or whatever) or dousing yourselves in olive oil, or doing it on the dining room table (or whatever), that's entirely up to you. And I can see why some people might find oral sex satisfying and important in their relationships.

What bothers me is this message that I am getting that there is something "odd" and "inhibited" or "unsophisticated" about not liking oral sex. It's like no one is thinking about the ways in which it may be natural to prefer genital-to-genital to sex. (I'm not suggesting a preference for oral sex is unnatural, only that it is no more natural than a preference for genital sex.)

I have been over to the "Oral Sex" board, and there was one guy who wanted his wife to have oral sex with him and she didn't like it. And everyone is giving him advice on how to get her to do it, as though there were something wrong with *her*. If it is indeed okay for people to do what seems right to them in each relationship, why can't there be respect for what some people don't want to do?

My marriage broke up in part because my ex kept trying to make me do things I didn't want to do but which he considered "natural" and "right." None of these things involved sex, but the principle is the same. To expect a woman to show her love by performing oral sex on a man when she doesn't get pleasure out of it is no more absurd or unfair than to expect a woman to show her love by fixing a hot breakfast every morning when she doesn't like breakfast herself and would rather sleep a little later.

I don't "get" the preference for oral sex, so I don't "get" why people feel they can pressure others into engaging in it. I would like to know if there are other people out there like me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 12:56pm
My wife likes oral sex, perhaps as much as intercourse. I prefer intercourse far more, as blow jobs really don't do much for me. I've known a couple of women that didn't like oral, and I've heard guys say they met women that didn't like it. Most black guys I've known well said outright they didn't like giving oral, while most white guys I've known well did like giving it. I'm very study oriented, but I'm not aware of any polls on how many women like it,hate it, or can take it or leave it, etc. That's not to say there aren't any studies on this, there could be. I would interested in seeing the results of a study(s)on this. I would want to see a study at more than just IVillage though,just in case, as it does seem oral gets raved about very very often here, and may not be representative(?) It would be interesting to compare the results from here with another poll.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 1:21pm

I'm know what post on the Oral board you are talking about, suggestions people made were to talk to her about it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:02pm

That's a good point about looking for studies. I didn't mean to suggest that it is only men who want oral sex. Obviously a lot of women enjoy it.

What I am responding to is a bunch of stuff all over ivillage, including one of these "men talk about sex" video things, where the message is basically, "women show their love by loving to give their men blow jobs." It is possible that if this were a community more oriented to men the message would be "men show their love by loving to perform oral sex on their women."

I don't think oral sex is disgusting. I just feel that too much focus on it distracts from the kind of sexual activity that I enjoy most. And I don't want to get back to the situation I was in during my early twenties when I had a boyfriend who insisted on oral sex.
I've always felt this had to do with his need to feel dominant.

Maybe someone out there knows of some studies. I admit I had stopped thinking much about this stuff until my divorce.

Celibacy is great for making people think of sex. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:27pm

The "pee comes out of there" argument is silly because pee is actually very clean. (If your bladder isn't bacteria free, you have an infection and are probably not feeling a lot like sex anyway. ;) ) However, it's a little like eating food you've been taught is taboo. I know that eating insects is perfectly okay (if the insects were raised cleanly for the purpose of being food) but I couldn't get excited about the chocolate covered bugs a friend was offering at the office the other day. Some people have a deeply ingrained feeling that urine is dirty. Some people feel that all that area "down there" is dirty. I don't endorse it, but I think we need to respect it.

My take on the response to the post we are talking about was a little difference from yours. It wasn't so much what people said, but the tone of it. I had actually meant to post my question about oral sex in that board, and the responses to that post changed my mind. I quickly picked up the idea that this poor woman was regarded as somehow abnormal and that all the posts were sympathetic to the man's "need."

The way I look at it, all relationships involve give and take. I do think that it is worse to pressure someone to do something they don't want to do than it is to accept that they can't do it.

Of course, ideally one should not fall for someone who wants very different things sexually (or in any other area) than what one can do/is willing to do/give. Unfortunately we don't always know this stuff in advance.

If a guy decided that he didn't want to date me because my willingness to engage in oral sex is limited, that's fine with me. I just wish I could know he was going to take this attitude before we got to the point of wanting to go to bed together. It's not really the sort of thing you discuss when you first meet someone, is it?

I return to my original question which is whether there are other people out there who have had/envision having perfectly good relationships without leaning heavily on oral sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 1:01am

"I return to my original question which is whether there are other people out there who have had/envision having perfectly good relationships without leaning heavily on oral sex."

I'm certain you're not alone, but what difference does it really make? You are you, no matter what other people do or don't do.

As for your "future" relationships, you certainly CAN discuss oral sex or anything else if the relationship becomes sexual. If you can't "discuss" it, you shouldn't be doing it. You are no longer that young girl who did it because your b/f insisted on it. You know better now than to be "forced" into doing something that you don't want to do, just to hold on to a b/f. Whatever your beliefs and feelings are, you need to be true to them, no matter what others think or do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 1:10am

I wouldn't say that oral sex is the main activity in our sexual relationship but I guess that in the same way that you can't understand why anyone would want to concentrate on oral sex, I can't see why anyone wouldn't want to enjoy oral sex. We spend a lot of time touching and caressing one another, we enjoy intercourse, but we also enjoy lots of oral sex on top of everything else. If there was another sexual activity that was as easy and as mutually enjoyable then I'm sure that we'd probably do that as well. I love fellatio performed on me and I do enjoy performing cunnilingus. I don't have any problem spending some time performing oral sex and making her orgasm. Time well spent in my opinion. I don't have a problem concentrating on her genitals either - I can tell how she's enjoying things without a good view of her face and I enjoy the reaction I get from her when I'm doing a good job. It's still an intimate thing for me, I just don't need to be continuously looking at her to feel like I'm being intimate with her.

The idea that someone is showing their "love" for you by performing oral sex is open to debate in my opinion. That's another issue about oral sex as far as I am concerned.

As the others have said, whether or not you perform oral sex for an extended period of time is up to you, but don't be surprised if you find that the guys are a little taken aback if you won't do it at all. It is a pretty common activity these days so anyone that doesn't do it is in the minority. I'm not saying that its a good thing or a bad thing - it's just that I believe that "most" people do it.

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