Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?
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| Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:38am |
Ever since I started browsing through the i-village sex and love sections, I keep reading/hearing about how important oral sex is. This is an unpleasant surprise.
My 15+ year marriage ended a bit over a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. Almost until the end we had a satisfying sex life that did not include oral sex. I do not regard oral sex as necessary to a close and intimate relationship and I am worried that I am now entered in a dating world that "requires" oral sex. Can anyone reassure me?
By oral sex I mean mouth to genital stimulation that leads to orgasm. I'm okay with mouthing/licking of the genitals as part of foreplay-- a brief, tintillating, sensual experience that gets one aroused for more. What I dislike is to spend a long time (or to have my partner spend a long time) with the mouth on the genitals. I don't really like semen in my mouth either, but that is secondary. I just don't find oral sex fun.
I guess I have always felt "disconnected" from my partner during oral sex and I think it is because you can't really see the whole person or talk/murmur sweet nothings, really do anything but pay attention to the genitals when you are serious about bringing someone to orgasm through oral sex. While with intercourse or manual stimulation, you can be face to face, looking a each other's expressions, looking at the whole body, caressing the whole person with your hands and eyes, talking a little...
Am I alone in this?

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As to "what difference does it make?" I think all of us like to connect with people who share our views/experiences. I enjoy hearing different perspectives, but I also enjoy the sense of community that happens when someone says "I hear you! I've been there!" etc.
Among other things, I could use feedback about when is a good moment and how to bring the subject up in the early stages of a relationship so that a guy for whom this is a "deal breaker" can bail out before we are both too involved. Perhaps some other people (male or female) who don't care for oral sex might want to share their experiences in dealing with mates and potential mates and I could get some ideas that might help me when I have to deal with the problem on my own.
I agree completely that adults should discuss these things, and I am not exactly a shy violet when it comes to talking about sex. There is a question of timing, though.
If indeed this oral sex thing is going to be a deal breaker, it would be better both for me and my prospective partner to discuss it some time before we get to the stage of being ready for sexual involvement.
Look at it from my perspective: in addition to being nervous about my "technique" after more than 15 years with the same partner, I gotta worry about whether a new partner is going to want oral sex to be a big component of our relationship. So I'm looking for feedback that isn't critical of my preferences --or of my uncertainty.
Yeah, I'm no longer a young girl, but divorce in middle-age brings its own insecurities.
Gosh hump daddy,
Thanks for spelling it out like it is. If I really love a man, I will give him what he wants. That, after all, is what women are for, right?
Look, have you been reading what I have been writing at all?
I understand that oral sex is important to a lot of people. It is not a source of pleasure to me. And I don't want to get involved with a man who will ask of me, as a proof of love, something that I don't enjoy doing.
Why can't a man (or a woman) show love for his (or her) partner by not asking him (or her) to engage in something that makes her (or him) unhappy? There are many ways to make love. In our search for compatibility, surely sensitivity to each other's needs ought to be a primary factor.
It's a two-way thing. I respect your right (or any other person's right) to want oral sex as a central part of your lovemaking. But I want you (and others) to respect those of us who don't share the preference, who have other preferences and desires.
I think this conversation could ramble on for days and nothing substantially different from what has already been said be brought up. I have heard no one suggest, Mame, that you compromise your values or natural proclivities. To the contrary, I have read nothing but support for you as an individual human being. As to your question (restated below), I have four brief replies that express my personal point of view and experience.
*I return to my original question which is whether there are other people out there who have had/envision having perfectly good relationships without leaning heavily on oral sex.*
1. There are 6.5 billion people in the world. I believe there can be perfectly good relationships in which people are fulfilled by just about anything. I think it is our exciting task to find someone who fulfills our needs, whatever they may be.
2. I have been fortunate enough to be in two relationships with wonderful women who I intensely loved. One was--I use the past tense for both relationships although it only applies in one case--with a woman who made it clear that she did not enjoy giving oral sex (but was fine with receiving it). The second was with a woman who from the get go made it clear that the greatest part of her sexuality was expressed in giving and receiving oral. I could have married either woman and been happy beyond words. Like I said, I've been fortunate.
3. After my first marriage, I dated a cross section of women from differing backgrounds who were engaged in substantially different types of work. Their religious and cultural backgrounds were diverse. Every one of these women was excited by oral sex, giving and taking. Some were very passionate; some were slow starters. The fact is that they all enjoyed the give and take of oral sex. This is only anecdotal evidence but it leads me to believe that the women who contribute on iVillage are the norm.
4. But what difference should that make to you? I think none. You are an individual. You should know what is important to you in a relationship. Unless you are very uncertain about yourself, you don't need to have what is important to you validated for you by some poll. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. What makes you what you are is the gifts that you have been given. You need to find someone with whom to share those gifts that makes you feel whole.
One person's opinion.
Genuine wishes of good luck.
David.
Two things are for certain.
You will never work through your uncertainties by being sarcastic to hump. When you are being defensive, you cannot be a very effective listener.
If there's anyone who's not been listening here, it's you. People in this thread have been highly supportive of your personal points of view. You are doing nothing more than trying to make it appear otherwise. Read through the earlier posts and then...
...move on.
David.
The only person that can reassure you is yourself. Everyone is different when it comes to the way they fufill their own sexual appetite, Some people love giving and recieving oral(myself included) and some dont. If you do not regard oral sex as necessary to a close and intimate relationship than nobody can make you feel otherwise and you find yourself a sexual partner that shares your feelings.
You said---I guess I have always felt "disconnected" from my partner during oral sex and I think it is because you can't really see the whole person or talk/murmur sweet nothings, really do anything but pay attention to the genitals when you are serious about bringing someone to orgasm through oral sex. While with intercourse or manual stimulation, you can be face to face, looking a each other's expressions, looking at the whole body, caressing the whole person with your hands and eyes, talking a little...
To me sex can have different feelings to suit the mood Im in when I am having sex. Sometimes I am In the mood to have passionate intimate sex by having some oral sex to start with and then move onto missionary position intercourse to be close with my husband and to kiss him and feel his body. Most of the time when we enjoy sex this way we are in the mood to cuddle afterward and to have a very intimate serene and calming experience. Other times we will strictly have intercourse in various positions, rough, slow, fast, whatever the mood we are in. Other times we will strictly have oral sex. Most of the time when we have rough sex,fast sex or strictly oral sex we are in the mood strictly to sexually please eachother or to have multiple orgasms. My point is that everyone is different in the way that they enjoy sex. For my husband and I its all about the moods we are in at the time as to whether or not we have certain kinds of sex. Dont get me wrong I never feel "disconnected" during any kind of sex but I can understand what you mean when you say that. Some sex acts are more intimate than others but its like I said, for us it all depends on how we feel at the time.
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I completely agree with you that "divorce in middle-age brings its own insecurities". I've been there and done that! I was married for 20 years to my "first love", who turned out to be a big mistake. I wasn't exactly "middle aged" (40) but believe me I went out into the world of dating with BIG insecurities, sex being one of them.
I also mentioned to you in my first reply to you that "things change", and Humpdaddy also mentioned it in his post.
When I was married, at about 5 years into it, I was "expected" to give oral sex. Like you with your b/f, I did it, but I hated it. Also, he NEVER reciprocated, and had no intention of doing it. After my divorce, if it came up, I did it, sometimes to completion, sometimes not. I no longer hated it, but I didn't really enjoy it either. I did it to be "nice".....because I knew THEY liked it.
Now, 30 years after my divorce, I'm in a relationship that is very different than any before, and for some reason that I'm not sure of, I LOVE doing it. Maybe it's because he does it, and so obviously loves doing it, as opposed to many who do it because it's "expected" of them (which is usually very obvious). It doesn't replace intercourse, but it's just another part of sex that we both enjoy. I'd feel cheated to lose EITHER aspect of it.
In any future relationships, you certainly can't bring it up on the first date over dinner! (You know that, I'm just being facetious) If and when things become sexual, THEN you start talking about likes and dislikes. You can tell him how you feel. Another thing, things aren't the way they were when you were younger. Sex comes a lot faster than it used to, so you won't be wasting a LOT of time! The only difference is that these days, you know you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to, and you won't. But, if you keep an open mind, you might be surprised that your feelings have changed about a LOT of things, not only oral sex.
I'm sure there are lots of women (and men) out there that share your same views. And there are lots who think you're wrong. Either way, you don't depend on others to make up your mind for you. I can only say that I learned after my divorce that I should NEVER say "never".
Yep,
This could go on forever. And none of us has the time.
I do feel that the tone of some of the messages on this subject is "what's wrong with you" or at best "let us enlighten you," but maybe that is just my projection based on the very specific "to make your man happy you must perform oral sex" in a couple of the "what men want" things elsewhere on ivillage.
Anyway, that's besides the point. All I wanted from this discussion was to find out if there were other people out there (meaning in i-village) who feel the way I do. Apparently there aren't, but that's fine.
This isn't about my being insecure. This is about me trying to get a feeling for what is out there, to get feedback from likeminded people (if they are there) as well as from people who have different views.
I appreciate your message(s) and the time people have taken to reply to my question.
Thanks and good bye.
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