Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?
43
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:38am

Ever since I started browsing through the i-village sex and love sections, I keep reading/hearing about how important oral sex is. This is an unpleasant surprise.

My 15+ year marriage ended a bit over a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. Almost until the end we had a satisfying sex life that did not include oral sex. I do not regard oral sex as necessary to a close and intimate relationship and I am worried that I am now entered in a dating world that "requires" oral sex. Can anyone reassure me?

By oral sex I mean mouth to genital stimulation that leads to orgasm. I'm okay with mouthing/licking of the genitals as part of foreplay-- a brief, tintillating, sensual experience that gets one aroused for more. What I dislike is to spend a long time (or to have my partner spend a long time) with the mouth on the genitals. I don't really like semen in my mouth either, but that is secondary. I just don't find oral sex fun.

I guess I have always felt "disconnected" from my partner during oral sex and I think it is because you can't really see the whole person or talk/murmur sweet nothings, really do anything but pay attention to the genitals when you are serious about bringing someone to orgasm through oral sex. While with intercourse or manual stimulation, you can be face to face, looking a each other's expressions, looking at the whole body, caressing the whole person with your hands and eyes, talking a little...

Am I alone in this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 6:50pm

I can't relate to how you feel because I love giving and receiving oral sex (always have). However, as much as I **love** it, I can't think of anything less satisfying mentally (and my mind has to be into sex in order for my body to respond) than for someone to be "providing" for me sexually when they really would rather not. And I'm NOT referring to having sex when you're not in the mood - that's very different. I **love** having sex any time, anywhere, whether or not I'm very into it (I often get into it, as a result). I'm referring to someone who doesn't get *enjoyment* out of it, for whatever their reason (other than pure selfishness). I can't imagine anything worse.

And as much as I love oral sex, I would definitely live without it for *love.* There's always intercourse and manual. If a man didn't like oral, I would just accept that this is what I get with THIS man. If I want HIM, I'd have to take him warts and all. My husband as much as he wants to, will NEVER experience anal sex as long as he's with me. I read all about anal sex on the boards and how it's the "in" thing today, and how many men just **love** it, but there's nothing I can do about it. I've tried several times in fact. It's just not going to happen. Today, it seems like it's a **requirement** for many men. Oh well....I am just not built for anal sex (at least not with a girthy man). I am what I am. ;-)

Many people did without oral sex in the past (cunnilingus was definitely NOT the standard not so long ago) and many couples had missionary sex only and were happy in their ignorance. You yourself were happy without, correct? So it's not so out there.

If I were you, as soon as you realize that it's going past three dates or that you will be regularly seeing each other, I'd come right out and say it. "This has been an issue in past relationships. As much as this is "jumping the gun" it's something that I think you should know so that you can make an informed decision." Something along those lines. Just tell the truth. If you truly know that this is how you are, then you should be true to yourself. It sounds as though you may have issues from past relationships, so counceling may be in order. Sometimes, things damage us beyond the surface. You can't open up your mind, until you close the wounds. If you are performing oral sex (albeit, only for a few seconds or a short while), it's not a physical barrier for you, which means that it's mental. That may be easier to work out. I think that the "disconnect" you're feeling runs deeper than you think(your past relationship where you felt your partner was being "dominant" seems to be proof).

But, in any event, it's not a requirement for me even though I absolutely love it. It wouldn't change how much I care about a person. If I love that person, it wouldn't matter. What matters to me more is that they do not do things that they do not enjoy doing, particuarly for me. I want to know that whatever is being done to me, is being done because that person wants and desires to do it and gets enjoyment out of it (not necessarily physically, but emotionally). That would make me happier -- to know that someone else's needs came before my own. There's no way around it. I could never be happy being on the receiving end of someone doing something that they do not enjoy doing. It wouldn't fulfill my needs at all -- in order for that to occur, everybody has to be happy -- not just me.

If it came down to a choice between a wonderful man who doesn't like oral sex -- I'd take him. Oral sex has nothing to do with why he's wonderful. If my husband lost his tongue (God forbid), I'd still stick around. ;-)




Edited 6/19/2006 7:36 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:50am
If you're still reading I think that you're probably right about the feeling that you're getting. If I were you I wouldn't worry about "what's wrong with you" too much as you clearly know that it's preference that you have rather than something being a matter of right or wrong. Maybe you could reexamine your feelings for oral sex and maybe you'd come to enjoy it with the right person? Who knows? If you're convinced that you're not going to enjoy it any more than you do now then go with that too. As mentioned lots of times already, every relationship is different and there are people out there who don't do a lot of oral sex . I'm not sure that it's commonly a dealbreaker as some have mentioned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 8:46am
My take on what she said was this.. She has no problem with giving oral sex..She said she does it as foreplay and she does to get him up for round two... Where I have a problem with her "preference" is that she doesnt want to give oral until he has an orgasm..Why? Because it is not as intimate?.. Sorry I just dont get that mentality. If she has no problem giving oral, one would think she could compromise "sometimes" and finish him off orally, if that is what he wanted....It is give and take after all ,not take, take, take.
I really think that she sees giving her man a blow job until climax is beneath her, and she even said she sees it as "servicing" her man. Until she views this as a loving jester, one where SHE is actually in total control(not him being in control) she will never understand why oral sex is viewed by many as a most intimate loving jester.. Similar to a full back massage, one person lovingly gives and one person willingly accepts.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:21pm
As someone who didn't provide oral sex before marriage, I can say that it added a new erotic dimension to our lovemaking. Oral sex is just a different, more intimate act for both of us. We both love giving & receiving and it's added so much more to our sex life. We couldn't imagine not doing it.


Edited 6/20/2006 12:30 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:45pm

Who said that we don't though? I don't think anyone should do anything that makes them uncomfortable or be pressured to perform some act that isn't pleasant.

But if you love someone, and they have a desire, you typically want to give it the old "college try" before making a final decision. If you love someone and are in a healthy, committed relationship, you know that compromise will be the order of the day. On both sides.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:42pm

>>My take on what she said was this.. She has no problem with giving oral sex..She said she does it as foreplay <<

Well, only the OP knows exactly how far she takes it. I do recall that there was at least some oral stimulation but certainly not to orgasm. I don't know if there is much point debating it. It's clearly something that she doesn't enjoy doing and it sounds like she's not prepared to do it, does it really matter why she doesn't want to do it? Just because you and I enjoy it and don't understand why she doesn't do it that doesn't mean that she has to do it! Maybe after the discussion here she will reconsider her motivations and point of view? Maybe she won't.

Admittedly your analogy to a full back massage is a good one, there is certainly very little eye contact and face-to-face interaction during that either. And no one would doubt that a back massage is intimate and enjoyable. Still, even if she was deadset against giving massages, who can change that? Should she change even if it means that she doesn't enjoy what she is doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:04am
I agree wity you westie, I think her displeasure is that she sees a woman giving her man oral to climax as servicing him.(thats the root of her aversion, I`m convinced ) I dont think it has anything to do with distaste of the process per say. (If) she were to view it in an other light, she may not see it as a negitive event, but as a positive one. We can not make her change her mind from servicing to pleasing, only she cant readjust her thought process.Thought process, opinion, attitude all can be changed by a person if they approch a subject or task with an open mind, and a desire to see a different perspective.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:45am

I agree with your take on this. But, she doesn't want anyone else's view on it, she wants validation on HER view. She insists that all she wants to know is if there are others out there that feel the way she does.

Of course, there are LOTS of people who feel like she does, and probably many more that wouldn't even consent to a few minutes of oral foreplay, as she claims she does.

As far as I'm concerned, if I have a view or a feeling about ANYTHING, sexual or otherwise, I don't need validation from anyone else. If I don't want to do something, I don't care if I'm the only human being in the world that feels that way. If I make up my mind that I don't like something, then I don't like it, and I certainly don't care if there are others that feel the same way.

I detest strawberries! I know that most people love them. I won't eat them, and I don't seek out other strawberry haters to validate my own feelings about strawberries. I don't like them, and I'm not going to eat them, no matter what other people think. By the same token, as many people have tried to explain, sometimes our feelings or "tastes" change. I spent half my life absolutely hating mushrooms. When I was in my 40's, for some reason, one day I decided to try a mushroom, and decided I really liked them, and I eat them all the time now. It wasn't because everyone I knew told me they were delicious, it was because at that point in time, for a reason unknown to me, I decided to try them.

The need for validation, in my mind, shows "doubt" about ones own feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:20am

>>I detest strawberries! <<

Ah! But have you ever tried them with vanilla icecream and coated with homemade toffee with just a little freshly cracked black pepper in the toffee?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 8:16am
No, I haven't......but guess what? I would if I had the opportunity. I've tried them many ways.....some are better than others,but I still don't like them. Strangely enough, I once had a strawberry/onion salad, that had black pepper in the dressing, and between the onion and the pepper, it almost killed the taste of the strawberries. Still don't like them.