Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Does Everyone Have to Have Oral Sex?
43
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:38am

Ever since I started browsing through the i-village sex and love sections, I keep reading/hearing about how important oral sex is. This is an unpleasant surprise.

My 15+ year marriage ended a bit over a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with sex. Almost until the end we had a satisfying sex life that did not include oral sex. I do not regard oral sex as necessary to a close and intimate relationship and I am worried that I am now entered in a dating world that "requires" oral sex. Can anyone reassure me?

By oral sex I mean mouth to genital stimulation that leads to orgasm. I'm okay with mouthing/licking of the genitals as part of foreplay-- a brief, tintillating, sensual experience that gets one aroused for more. What I dislike is to spend a long time (or to have my partner spend a long time) with the mouth on the genitals. I don't really like semen in my mouth either, but that is secondary. I just don't find oral sex fun.

I guess I have always felt "disconnected" from my partner during oral sex and I think it is because you can't really see the whole person or talk/murmur sweet nothings, really do anything but pay attention to the genitals when you are serious about bringing someone to orgasm through oral sex. While with intercourse or manual stimulation, you can be face to face, looking a each other's expressions, looking at the whole body, caressing the whole person with your hands and eyes, talking a little...

Am I alone in this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 9:42am

I haven't read this whole thread. I've been posting on another board and hopped over here because things were slow there. To answer your question, yes, there are others like you. I am 40 and believe me, I'm not an old fart nor a prude (at least I don't think anyone could fairly label me that if they knew me, on the contrary I think a lot of men would be pretty happy with me), but on the other hand, I'm not some sort of libertine (although the people on the board I've been posting on might think I'm supersexed or something just because I like sex a lot and have no functional sexual problems like so many of the women I've heard about or heard from there obviously have.)

To get around to the point, I could have written the same post you did. I'm so glad that my husband feels the same way. I've been with men (very very few, I can count my partners on one hand, excluding the thumb) and the last one was pretty obsessed with oral. Both directions. He had many other problems, too, and an affinity - no, an addiction - for porn. I don't think that's a coincidence. Just the front page of the "love and sex" section makes me a little sick, to tell you the truth. I'm going to sound like an old fuddyduddy now, and I guess I am, since the porn-oriented world seems to be passing me by, but I want to barf when I read, "What to know about threesomes" and "how to give your man a hand." Now, it's not like I don't like to give a hand (job) now and then but I think my own man can give me any pointers I might need, and the point is that whether it's oral or handjobs or anything else, we tend to want to get around to IC pretty fast and wow, is that abnormal or something, in today's world? LOL. I guess we're "repressed." Whatever. Ha ha. I think I know what a good sex life is, and to each his/her own, I guess, but I also tend to wonder about those who have to have all kinds of accessory activities or it isn't fun. I read in one thread somewhere that someone said he and his wife have all kinds of porn and "toys" etc (no plastic for me, thanks, I prefer real people, how quaint) and he asked if anyone else tries to just "do it" without all the props now and then, to see if they still can.

Frankly I thought that was kind of sad. All right - I'm not judging anyone, but between you and me, I also wonder what's up with all the emphasis on having sex every way but the "natural" way. Is "natural" old hat? ;oD I'll take it, even so.

Seriously, my honest opinion is that oral/manual stimulation and also all forms of reliance on porn and devices represent a kind of juvenile inability to get past stimulation as a purely physical, selfish activity and an inability to be really emotionally intimate with another person. If emotionally intimate people really get off on twiddling one another with plastic devices or if they get a charge out of looking at the top of someone's head between their legs, it's their prerogative, I guess, but no, not everyone is very much into that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:02am

I disagree, humpdaddy, that those who don't like it a lot (or maybe you meant people who have never done it) have a hangup.

I've given it. I've received it. As a matter of fact, my last partner liked to give it to me, so I accepted it a lot. But the truth is that part of me thought, "Oh great, here we go again," when I realized what he was up to. I accepted it, though, for a long time, because the other purely horny part of me thought, "Well, at least an orgasm is coming soon." But seriously, that was with a mental sigh that I resigned myself to that. I wasn't after that. I was after closeness. So - I'm really trying not to be judgmental, so please try hard not to read it that way - that's the selfish, immature and purely pleasure-seeking part of the brain that says, "Oh yay, here comes a good orgasm, done quickly and efficiently with someone's tongue, even better than fingers." The same part that might like to overeat or do drugs or do whatever brings you the physical thrill of the moment. But to me, while a physical thrill is an essential part of sex, making love to a person is so much more than that, and having someone manipulate my genitals with hand, mouth, device or whatever is not exactly a satisfying part of making love to a person. Some of us like intercourse because it seems the most intimate vehicle to really get close to someone we love and... I'm not saying it's better because it's natural, but I think there has to be something to the fact that it is the natural urge that people have - I mean, continuation of the species would have never happened if people had the urge to mouth genitals. Not saying that biological urges are the be-all and end-all, but I think it can't be totally thrown out, either.

So, I don't think everyone who dis-prefers oral sex has a hang-up. It might be that they find it less intimate and a more unnatural way to express love/lust for a person than humping them the good old-fashioned way, and I just can't understand those who don't find a good healthy **** the best kind of sex.

;o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:20am

My way of thinking is to each his own and whatever works for both partners, that's what they should do.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:20am

I don't think she has doubt about her feelings. And I don't think she's putting down those who like getting blowjobs. I think she was just perplexed that everwhere she looks, she hears about oral sex as if it's a requirement "today" (what has changed? Nothing - except a slant in coverage toward those more vocal being the ones who enjoy that sort of thing more, in my opinion.) But as mind-blowing as this may be to some of you, there are people who have done it and received and really could live without it.

As I detailed, I've had it done and it felt physically good. So does masturbating. As long as I have a partner, I'd prefer having sex to masturbating every single time. And I'd rather have IC and could honestly live without oral sex given to me forever, and it looks like that's what's going to happen since my husband (met six years ago) has never offered it, and I'm actually glad he hasn't. He has never asked for me to give him oral; I have anyway, for a matter of minutes. Like me, he says it feels good but he'd rather have IC with me and so we've always moved on from that oral stimulation to IC. I've asked him now and then if he'd like more oral but is afraid to ask and he says that he could really take it or leave it because what he really likes is IC. I tend to believe him.

As a matter of fact, he doesn't even want to have sex in any position in which he can't see my face (that means he likes only front-to-front) and in fact, ideally, he wants our faces close enough that he can kiss me while having sex. Is that wrong, stodgy, old-fashioned, limited, outside-"today"'s-norm, repressed, etc. etc. etc. I don't care because we enjoy each other immensely. God, I love him! :oD

So to answer the OP's question, there sure are people out there like you - I hope you find one! (not my husband, he's taken! ;o)

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:26am
i don't understand why you equate vaginal intercourse with emotional intimacy and all other acts with pure physical stimulation. can't all acts be intimate or purely physical. i would think it is the emotional availability and openness that you and your partner bring to the act that truly makes it intimate.
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:35am

i think you have a limited view of sexuality, but if it works for you and your husband that's great.

personally, sex for me is a time to play and explore as well as be intimate and i enjoy that type of open-mindedness in my partner. it's not just about liking this act or that act, it's just an overall openness which i find liberating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 11:05am

I don't think it's my view as much as what I like. I've tried it all and know what I like. I don't see how I can be faulted for that or even called "limited." If all you mean by "limited" is that the scope of what I enjoy a lot is narrower than what some others like, then OK. Some might call sexy and playful putting ripe strawberries up their vagina and having their partner suck them back out. That might be sexual to them. More power to 'em, I guess.

Not for me, and more power to me. Yeah, my partner and I are open-minded, and we know what we like. Weird, huh? A couple of odd birds I guess we are. But we like what we like, and how weird (in today's sex-drenched world where the ante gets upped exponentially every day, where actual sexual intercourse is boring and routine) that we aren't like porn stars putting objects into every orifice and using battery-powered items to tickle prostate gland, etc. And how repressed that we don't want another person between us or distracting us from one another. And we're not gonna eat the strawberries if we're not sure exactly where they've been. ;0D

I guess it's refreshing to hear that if we "only" like to have "straight" sex with one another, that's OK if it's true, and probably unbelievably so, that we're both satisfied with so little. Yeah, there was some amused sarcasm throughout that sentence. Over and out.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:01pm
what i meant is that it would be too limited for me, it obviously works for you and your partner. and ultimately, that's all that matters. i do find it true that because you like less types of activity it is easier for you to be satisfied. my partner's lack of enthusiasm for giving oral is a bummer. of course i don't want him to do something he isn't into, but nevertheless it detracts from the overall experience for me. he is probably someone that fits more in your type of category of sexuality, whereas i need variety and find the same two positions get routine and yes, kinda boring. it's not just about the physical sensation, it's more about spontanaity and creativity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 3:20pm
thethinker, A hangup is an aversion to doing something sexually. You didnt have a hang up , you prefered something different.But at times you still did oral, or at least received it. Most people do like penetration sex, but the majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm...Nothing wrong in combining the two , right? (oral and intercourse)
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:50pm

Hmmm. Sounds a wee bit like condemnation & criticism mixed in with personal observations there.

No one here is telling the OP or anyone else what they should be "into" or not into. My DH and I are probably pretty conservative by many standards, even though, horror or horrors, we DO indulge in oral sex!

But we don't feel the slightest bit pressured to do things beyond our personal boundaries or standards simply because we see them being discussed everywhere....so why should the OP? Just move onto the next topic that interests you.