Does sex define who you are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Does sex define who you are?
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Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:20am
Does sex, define who you are as a person? Let's for a minute pretend that there are not any STD's(wishful thinking) so as not to cloud the issue. In another post someone mentioned that nice-guys are not whores. I personally don't ever ask a person about their sexual history, or really care to know for that matter. It's not a criteria that I judge a person's character by. If you're a great person, I'd never know if you were a whore or not. Do you ask and thereafter judge someone based on their sexual past?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:51pm
I know, Sugar, but you can't deny that the higher the numbers the higher the risk. Everything we do in life is a risk and we take them regardless. I still think it's safer to get tested, even though many STD's might even slip by a test. That's not to say that sex wouldn't happen without being tested(nobody's perfect), what I'm saying is that would be my ultimate goal. I wouldn't look for casual sex, I'd probably refuse it if it were offered to me(assuming I liked it), and I wouldn't have sex with a man I was dating until we were tested. That would be my responsibility to myself. I still can get an STD, but I think acting in such a manner would reduce my chances.
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:12pm
yes, there is likely more of a risk with someone who had more partners. however in comparing two of my past lovers, one with less partners (who was haphazard about using condoms) and the one with more partners who wasn't, it is arguable who is the higher risk. but with both of them it was still a risk i was willing to take.

people talk about asking for test papers or broaching the subject of stds, very few actually do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:54am
That's perplexing. If you can openly discuss the amount of partners, and STD's, why wouldn't you broach the subject of testing, or is it that many see it as useless?

Also, with reference to the number of partners being relevant to determining how high a risk a person is; i have another thought. What if two men had five partners each. But one of those men was with two women who were prostitutes or had very high numbers, and the other man had sex with women who all had less than two partners each? Wouldn't the first man be a much higher risk, even though they both had the same amount of partners. They say that when you have sex with someone, you have sex with everyone they had sex with.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:45pm
good point, there's many variables, and the numbers alone only reveal so much.

about the testing, i only meant that few talk about it and fewer ask to see papers -- unless you're a porn star, lol, then you gotta bring papers to the shoot.

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anonymous user
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:49pm
sugar, I can see your point, I think you understand mine..the problem is there are people out there who will have yet another point of view and another..etc. I do know the difference between "just sex" based on lust, and relationship sex based on love.(I prefer the latter)...You see, there ARE people who will have "just sex" outside a happy marriage...believe it or not. Some may have been promiscuos before marriage, some may not have. My point is for those who had lots of "just sex" it is just that much easier to have it again. My point here is many people (unlike you) dont know the difference between the two. To some people, all sex is "just sex"..I know a couple guys who fall in love with every woman they have sex with. To them all sex is love sex..lol

There has always been affairs, im not naive. I feel since "free sex came about in the 70`s and all the hoopla surrounding sex ever since, sex has lost the stiegma it used to have. Sex was reserved for mostly relationships, because it was something done between two people who love each other. Now it seems its nothing more than a handshake with an orgasm.
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:48pm
i understand where you are coming from. but for me there isn't just the dichotomy between "just sex" and "love sex". i would argue that most sex doesn't fit either of those categories (even if you are doing it with someone you love).

here's a humorous list of uses for sex by annie sprinkle, sex worker turned performance artist turned dr.:

Sex as a sedative. It helps you go to sleep.

Sex to fight addictions. It helped me quit smoking.

Sex as a laxative. Regular sex helps you have regular sh*ts.

Sex to get to know somebody. You can tell a lot about a person by f*cking them.

Sex as a meditation.

Sex to relive boredom.

Sex to improve concentration.

Sex to make money.

Sex to create magic. Some witches believe that the most powerful time to cast a spell is during orgasm.

Sex for manipulation. It can get you what you want.

Sex as a reward. Either to yourself or to someone else.

Sex for relaxation.

Sex for rejuvenation. It keeps you looking and feeling younger.

Sex to increase energy. A great pick-me-up.

Sex to cure an asthma attack. I saved a man's life once.

Sex to make you laugh. It can be hilarious.

Sex as a gift. A present for birthdays, anniversaries, Bar Mitzvahs...

Sex to get high.

Sex to achieve an altered state.

Sex to create life.

Sex for waking up. Helps get rid of that groggy feeling.

Sex to cure back pain.

Sex to keep warm in the winter.

Sex as a pain killer. It's far more potent than aspirin, and most prescription pain killers.

Sex as an anti-depressant. It will cheer you up.

Sex for stress reduction.

Sex as a spiritual exercise.

Sex for exercise. It's aerobic and burns calories.

Sex for thrills and adventure.

Sex to relive headaches. Even migraines.

Sex as a cure for writer's block.

Sex as a good deed. Give the needy an occasional mercy f*ck.

Sex as an art form. It can be very creative and a great way to express oneself.

Sex to control appetite. It can be so filling.

Sex for cardiovascular health.

Sex to create intimacy.

Sex as an expression of love.

Sex for itching mosquito bites. Apply your own sperm to affected areas.

Sex for barter. Trade it for all kinds of things.

Sex to get in touch with emotions, like sadness.

Sex to avoid working. I can always finish this some other time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 9:51pm
Oh my goodness! Thanks for that. We should be having sex at least 14 times a day!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:31pm
Yes, optimistically speaking, one HOPES that we will grow over time and learn from our mistakes, but many people don't seem to. Immaturity seems to extend far beyond what was expected or tolerated when I was growing up. And how is one supposed to know if a prospective partner has or hasn't learned from their past mistakes? One way or another, intimacy will always be a calculated risk.

I think the quality of past relationships one has had with former lovers is far more reflective of character than just the number alone.

I do agree that a double standard still exists among too many men though. That's sad, in this day and age, but true.

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