Does your man...???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Does your man...???
6
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:01pm

Ok, I saw it mentioned in another post that a woman thought it was weird that her SO didn't get off every time they had sex. Now, I don't remember if this was a first time thing or something that had happened in the past, but I was wondering if anyone else had this happen. With my BF, he didn't get off until the 6th time we had sex, and we have always discussed this openly. He was raised in a very religious household and didn't even have sex for the firt time until 23 and has only had 2 other partners. It's almost as if he still feels guilty for having sex. He says that sometimes he just thinks too much and cannot get off.

I have never felt like he blamed me for not getting off all the time, but I wonder if it is normal? He gets off probably 50% of the time now, which hasn't concerned me too much since that's about the rate I get off during sex also. When he does get off, it usually takes forever. He doesn't even get off from oral sex and it takes forever for manual stimulation. I did notice that when I was pregnant recently (had a miscarriage) he got off every single time we had sex. The pg was not planned, so I think that the majority of his problem is worrying about pregnancy. He doesn't have a big porn habit--maybe only two or three times a month, so I don't think that is his problem. According to him, before we were dating he used porn about 2-3 times a week.

Do any of you guys out there not get off every time during sex? For you women, have you experienced this with a partner? Any ideas as to what might help?


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:21pm
I think a guy can have religion and still have a hard ejaculation for the finale of a lovemaking session. I cum about 99% of the time. There's something deeply satisfying and gratifying to leave part of one there. I'd say your SO doesn't want to get you pg again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:34pm
I recently had a 6-month relationship with a man who never once got off, during intercourse, oral-sex, or anything, even anal. He was taking antidepressant medication which he said made orgasm for him impossible, and it was one of the known side-effects of the drug. He was very frustrated by it, and it definitely put a damper on sex. I think what helped me to never take it personally was that he told me even on his own, he couldn't make himself get off. Even though I never put any pressure on him or said anything, he felt really miserable about it. That had nothing to do with why we broke up, though - it just turned out he wasn't looking for a commitment and I was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 8:05pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:32am

What you're experiencing is not all that unusual. It happens to all men occasionally...and it can be for many reasons. He's tired, he's stressed out, he's feeling guilt, he's scared of getting you pregnant, and there are probably lots more reasons.....differing from individual to individual.

The religious thing......he's feeling guilt, he was raised to think premarital sex is BAD! Oral sex, masturbation, those are also BAD, sinful, or whatever. There's the fear of pregnancy, and you said he didn't have any problems when you were pregnant. You also say that he's "improved" and he manages to relax and allow it to happen about 50% of the time, so it's getting better, and as time goes by it will continue to improve. He's getting more comfortable with his sexuality, and he's realizing that he won't be struck down by a bolt of lightning for his sins.

What can you do to help? Nothing! This is something that he has to deal with on his own. Accept him the way he is, and don't make an issue of it, which will also add to the problem, if he thinks you feel he's less of a man because of it. Not saying that you DO think that, but I'm sure he feels badly enough about it, and if you bring it up, he'll feel worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 5:55am

my husband has similar conditions as your man. ever since we've been together, he doesn't get off from oral (although he enjoys very much). the only methods of him getting off are masturbation and intercourse. with intercourse he doesn't get off all the time, because sometimes i start to feel sore, so i ask him to stop (he can go for hours if i let him). i'd say he gets off about 70-80% of the time. he has been like this with previous partners, so i know it isn't a problem on my part.

i don't see this issue as a problem. our sex life is amazing... i did at first concern about "not returning the favor"... but he explained to me that even if he doesn't cum, the stimulations feel so good. he also explained that he needs to be simulated very specifically to cum, that's all. just learn about each other and yourselves more and more... it'll get better and better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:36am

Thank you all for your input. I don't take the situation personally because I know it has always been a problem in the past. Like one of the posters said, my DBF does take a long time to get off when he does, and sometimes that becomes a problem because I am already pretty tight and after a half an hour of sex, sometimes if he "pops" out, it's very difficult to get it back in, especially if he's not completely hard. A lot of times, he just gives up and says "it's not going to happen". That even happens when I'm trying to give him a hand or oral job. As far as him thinking too hard about getting off and his mind wandering, I one time told him how I learned to get off while having sex--count to 10 in time with the thrusts and feel the sensations and imagine them getting better with each #. He's tried this, and it apparently helps him quite a bit. We do have a great sex life--I am more satisifed with him than I have ever been in the past, and I let him know that--so I don't find it a big deal. I do still feel bad sometimes that I'm getting mine and he's not getting his, but he tells me that he loves it when I get off, so I'm getting over some of this. We've been experimenting more lately with the manual/oral stimulation since sex is out of the question right now, and I'm learning more about him and his orgasm.

Thanks again for the input.


 


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