DONE IN 60 SECONDS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
DONE IN 60 SECONDS!!
10
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:08pm
Well, to start, I am angry! My sex life with my boyfriend is getting horrible. It started out so great, sex three times a day and lots of foreplay and for a long period of time (well, at least for a man). And now, everytime I want to have sex he says just climb on, have a ride, but there is no foreplay for me EVER!I go down on him all the time, but he never does for me. and i want to make love and have it last for more than ten minutes, but he seems to think the object of the game is to get done as quickly as possible. But the sex at first was wonderful, we laughed, talked, played, I would tremble with pleasure. But now, nothing, im lucky to even get any. I dont understand, our relationship is great, and i am NOT an unattractive woman. And I know what I am doing on my end. I just dont get it!!! everything is pretty much fair game in order to spice it up! I do that all the time!! PLEASE HELP SOMEONE!!!! S.O.S.!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:22pm
Have you asked him why he's no longer interested in sex? I would start there, and then tell him how important sex is to you in a relationship, and how important it is to feel wanted. It sounds like you're putting in a huge amount of effort here, and it's not getting you anywhere. Find out what he has to say for himself. At least then you know where you stand and can work from there.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 2:34pm
I think you have a point that its the feeling wanted part. I have asked him and he just laughs and says sex is not that important in a relationship. But it is to me and thus should be to him. He does say that he is just tired. But I am not really wanting quantity as much as quality! :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:14pm

hey girl!
i am in the same situation...our relationship is great, but our sexlife is not as steamy as it used to be.
we usually do not have sex during the week because we are so tired... and when we do (on the weekend) once or twice...he's done in like 7 minutes...
i know what the problem is... he's just tired... Well i'm too tired too to invest a little more effort into it. Plus his 7 minute mark makes me feel like he doens't want me and is not itnerested in sex, so that doesn't really turn me on so to say.

I think for your bf... as he said...he's just tired, But you must let him know that you feel like you're putting too much effort into it and not getting anything back. Let him know that you're not happy with this situation. He'll reevalute it... he sounds like an understanding type of guy.

As for me... i'm not too angry about my situation yet... so i haven't done much about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:32pm
What you have to do is sit down with him and talk about your sex life outside of the bedroom.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:42pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:47pm

No, you don't have a great relationship. Whether or not you're an attractive woman has nothing to do with it.

You teach people how to treat you. You do what he wants you to do. You initiate, he says "climb on" and you do. A minute later, it's over, he's happy and you're frustrated.
If you don't want to be treated this way, then don't accept it.

You need to sit him down outside the bedroom and explain to him that there are TWO people in this relationship. BOTH of you are entitled to whatever you need to make you happy. He's GETTING what he wants, and you're not, and that's not acceptable to you. You don't argue about it, you don't cry and get upset about it, you make a statement.

If you can't get him to agree to make some changes and compromises, then you have to take drastic measures. He says sex isn't important in a relationship, then fine....don't DO it. Stop initiating it. Eventually, he'll decide that sex IS important (to him) and then you tell him what you will and won't accept. If you accept disrespect for your needs, then that's what you'll continue to get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:56am
so i sat down with him yesterday and asked him what the problem was, and said it had nothing to do with me, or how attractive i am or not. but that with his new job it makes things more difficult because he has more physical labor to do. but that mainly he enojoys it in the morning, while i do at night, but this still poses the problem that there is never enough time in the morning. he seemed to just laugh as though it were not an issue and that when you are with someone for a while, the newness and excitment slowly starts to go away..... is this true?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:26am

Hi NM,

I have a little different take on this then the rest here. But first I want to address a comment (assumption) that you made:

"But it (sex) is (important) to me and thus should be to him."

"Should" language and assuming that another has exactly the same priorities as you will cause you nothing but pain and suffering. If you set yourself up for this no matter who you are with you are going to be struggling in the relationship. Because none of us can know what another (even someone we know and love deeply)should do or think.

Okay here's what I think about your situation. Some guys like the hunt...in the beginning of the relationship he had to "win" you. He was a little unsure and was on his "best" behavior. He was creative and passionate and fun. He put energy into "winning" you. Well, now he has "won" you in his view and doesn't feel the need to work so hard. Of course this all happens unconsciously. This is VERY human for both men and women, but especially for males. We are "hunt" oriented. Go to the library or Amazon.com and get a cop of John Gray's "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom", he details this pretty well. When a woman pursue a lot, he starts to lose his desire (of course John is generalizing, but there is some truth to this) and he does not even know why. Gray has some good ideas in his book that can help you get your needs met and get your sex life back on an equal footing.

Good luck!
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:48am

He laughed as though it wasn't a problem?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 12:07pm

"The newness and excitement slowly starts to go away."

Well, yes, an established relationship will never be NEW again, perse', but your sexual excitement for one another never has to die. THAT'S a choice. If you allow sex to become routine, boring and old, then it will. But it takes BOTH partners to keep the fires burning, you can't do it alone.

You need to talk with him more and encourage him to be more participatory in sex, not just taking what you have to offer. You will BOTH get much more out of the experience. How great or how boring your love life is a dual responsibility.