double - sided...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
double - sided...
6
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 5:44pm

So, my boyfriend who I love more than ever and plan to marry, recently told me that he found some old pictures of him and an ex using a double sided dildo together while they were having sex. My only reaction to this was, "hey its in the past... so be it."

Yesterday I get a message saying that he wishes he could send me a picture of him using his toy today... ALONE. And that he had his mirror propped up so he could see it in himself. When I said 'I dont want to see that' followed by 'I thought you used to do that? I didnt know that was something you were still into?' he responded with a 'I was kidding'.

So... now I'm obsessing over what to do and how to feel. I want to ask him about it but I dont really feel like I should until I know how I feel about either way he can answer. Right now, I'm a little disgusted and taken back. But I also feel that I love him and should accept him no matter what he's into. I just dont want to be a part of it. And if I say that to him, is that even fair?!

How common is this?! How open should I feel about it? Not only that but, if I say to him that I understand this turn on as long as he does it privately and not include me, how am I going to feel knowing he's not coming over b/c he's at home 'doing' himself. Literally.

Please, if anyone has been through this or if you're a guy thats into it, and not gay... any advice or words of wisdom... anything would be better than having to talk about this openly with another soul face to face. I'm not ready for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:42pm

If you don't want to see the pic of him using it on himself then tell him you don't want to see it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 1:45am

I can't tell you how you should feel about it - that's something that you have to work through all by yourself.

Bear it in mind that the guy is still the same guy that you know and love. This is something that he has always done and the only thing that has changed is that you now know about it. Given that he's always done it, I can't see why your sex life would change. Even if he's stayed home "doing himself" before now you'd never noticed it happening and had never known about it. I'd say that it's unlikely to cause problems now just because you know about it.

I don't think that it's uncommon. I doubt that every guy out there is doing what he's doing but some sort of anal play certainly isn't uncommon. As tish said, the prostate gland feels good when stimulated and you get to it by going in through the anus. Yeah, gay guys have anal sex but the fact that it feels good has nothing to do with a guy being gay or not. I'm quite sure that you guy is probably a happy heterosexual and has no homosexual feelings. It just happens that he has discovered the pleasures of anal play.

And how to tell him that you're not interested in seeing any pics or trying it? Just tell him. Just simply say "I'm not interested in seeing any pictures or trying it. I'm just really not into it."
That's perfectly fair and is definitely something that you are allowed to say.

>>When I said 'I dont want to see that' followed by 'I thought you used to do that? I didnt know that was something you were still into?' he responded with a 'I was kidding'.<<

He said he was kidding because he quickly realised that you weren't taking it too well and didn't like the idea. So he made out that he was "kidding" and wasn't serious to avoid getting you upset and having a drama unfold in front of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2002
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 7:08am
For starters, I'm a guy and I'm not gay so the fact that I like the thought of anal play is quite irrelevant. I fantasize about doing it sometimes and in the future when I meet my girlfriend (as I am currently single) then I would certainly hope that she would be open to it and wouldn't get freaked out, I would hope that she wouldn't think less of me. He was obviously scared that you would be upset and so it probably took a lot of nerve for him to send you the message, and you reacted exactly how he was afraid you might, just curious to know how you suppose he felt after that. So yeah, he wasn't kidding, he was at best trying to smooth over a touchy subject that just got rough, and at worst he was emotionally hurt but I'm sure he's a big boy and so he was trying to hide it by saying he was kidding. But your in luck, due to your reaction he'll probably be too afraid to bring it up again and so if its a problem for you then there is a good chance that as far as he is concerned its a dead issue, only to be brought up again if you bring it up in a supportive attitude. I'm by no means a mind reader, nor a psychologist but you wanted a male perspective, well there it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:39am

It took a lot of guts for him to open up to you. He was trying to introduce it to you in a subtle manner. The worse thing you can do to someone is make something that they do into something that is disgusting. No two people "think" the same as the other. Sex is so crazy in and of itself. That's why there is very little room for "normal" and "abnormal."

He's probably feeling isolated, dirty, perverted, and betrayed by your reaction. What he is doing is not odd at all. It's very natural. I would suggest you fix this somehow. Let him know that you still love him regardless. That you accept that he enjoys this and that you are sorry for how you handled it. I would be very honest. It sounds as though you are "jealous" and "insecure" about it. Tell him that. It may ease things a bit. Assure him that he is free to enjoy this sexual act with your blessings (even though you do not want to participate). If you love him, you'll love him flaws and all. Give him the freedom to be who he wants to be. Give him the freedom to love himself. Best gift you can give anyone you love.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:21am
That was right on the money aguy27. I would also like to add that we should all remember we are still learning until the day we die. I just hate to see someone close their mind to something before they have tried to explore and understand it.
I asked my GF to do me with a strap on as I like anal play also. She said no. And you are right, I am reluctant to bring it up to her again. However, it is something I want more of in my sex life and so I am going to have to bring it up and either get her to try to understand, or I'll be reevaluating my relationship.....
She enjoys anal play and penetration, so why shouldn't she be willing, right? That's just my case. Not the same, but another point of view.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 11:01am

Honey, he was literally "doing himself" BEFORE you knew about this. Whether it's using a dildo on himself or just masturbating the regular way, he has always "done himself." This is really just another way of stimulating the areas that turn him on.

Just ask him to give you time to get used to this revelation. It's not fair of him to spring it on you, try and force you to LOOK at it, and then proceed to, what was likely his agenda with the picture, convince you of joining in.

He needs to give you some time to process the information so that you can decide how you feel about it. Then, it's your choice. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't feel that you must participate.