duration of intercourse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
duration of intercourse
59
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 12:28am

I often read threads about men who orgasm too quickly during intercourse.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:36am
"Was I out of place asking this question of behalf of men? The main reason I raised it was so that we can discuss it before it gets asked yet again."

Easy you...lol...and where's the smiley face?!! ;)

I was referring to the idea that men should be asking the WOMEN if us men being naturally less than "long enough" is good enough anymore, because its (if I'm not mistaken now) the WOMEN who have issue with us not lasting long enough.

Still, I was a little surprised that you had an issue with some men who try to better themselves in bed via learning methods to last longer. If men do something like that for the women, then I PERSONALLY do not see that as any different than men 'learning' to perform cunnilingus better, or 'learning' to thrust or grind according to what makes the woman feel good (as opposed to what makes US feel good). I was just surprised to hear that ANY woman had an issue with ANY man that was "man enough" to self'less'ly "learn" more and more to please his woman...natural or not. LOL!!!

Now I'm not saying, "Wow, even when we men try to learn to be more pleasing for women, just by doing THAT we STILL have some who take issue!"...LOL! Thats NOT what I'm saying, but something tells me there ARE men out there who just may think that. Anyway, what "I" am saying is that it sounds like I misunderstood your question or your issue with us men learning to be more pleasing than just wham bam thank you natural man. Remember, I did say that I was still and always will be learning...no shame.

Anyway, my wife doesn't demand and doesn't expect me to perfect anything, but IMHO she DOES have the right to expect/demand that I put forth some effort toward being better for her. My wife had a choice to be with someone that was either going to say take it or leave it OR she could choose to be with someone like me who enjoys trying to be better for her.

THAT is where MY issue starts. I REALLY have an issue with anyone who treats learning to be better for the spouse as some type of "chore" or "job" or "hassle" or anything less than a pleasure to learn to be better for the spouse. If I can't do it, then I can't do it. If it is within my power to super please my wife by simply learning better methods or techniques for her benefit, then THAT is part of the reason I married her. I didn't marry her to please 'myself' but I married her because I love her THAT MUCH that I just want to please her more and more.

I say again, this does not have to hold true for all marriages, so everybody save it. I'm just referring to why I think the way I do...you're either welcome for the insight on my private way of living my marriage or you're more than welcome to just ignore it. Either way...hmm...I'm late for work again. LOL!!! Talk more later y'all!


Edited 5/19/2004 4:51 am ET ET by para1995

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:01am
All of the men, including my DH, that I had intercourse with(albeit they were quite young), orgasmed within five minutes or less during intercourse. Some as soon as one minute. It wasn't until a few years after being with my DH, that he finally calmed down and we engaged in intercourse long enough for me to experience a whole new realm of sex. I never knew what it was like to orgasm during penetration; I never experienced outercourse; and I never felt that incredible emotional closeness during slow-penetrative intercourse. Sex was simply a race to the finish. I sensed their anxiety, and it prevented me from orgasming all together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:52am
There is a double standardwith women today in general. And I think you hit it dead on there Yasmin. Men learn to please women, because if we are any kind of good man, we want nothing more than to please our women. Women on the other hands don't do the things there men like if they don't like it themselves, in the name of rights. It is her right to say no, I don't want to do this, and I am not arguing that, but if situation was reversed, say a guy doesn't want to orally stimulate, or likes deepthroats, facials,or anal, a woman still has the say so. The man says no, and he is rediculed, or there must be something wrong, where as when a woman says no it is expected, accepted, and nothing is said or done from there. I tell my so no, not tonight, and immediately there is something wrong, or something wrong with her. She says no, and I get to curl up to her and go to sleep, and if I do say anything, or continue, I am pushing it. Just hypothetical examples here, as my SO really has to be hurting, or just plain exhausted to say no. And I being a man, hardly ever have said no. It is just the double standard that has been put in place. I don't mind it, don't really even think about it often, but once in a blue moon it does get to me. Last but not least, a woman doesn't orgasm, and we are supposed to be O.K. with it, but heaven forbide a man go soft, or not ejaculate, because the woman is going to blame herself, and get all offended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:15pm
I try not and live by any double standards, Jeep. I try not to ask for things that I wouldn't myself do...and I try and always remain empathetic and compassionate and that's mainly because I want the same respect. I try not to ridicule anyone....and I always try to be fair. However, and I'll take an extreme example here,....I know that I will never want to ever participate in a threesome. That's an absolute. I won't even trade a compromise for it...and if my DH insisted that he would never have sex with me during my period, I'd respect that as well. Luckily my DH isn't interested in a threesome and he enjoys sex during my period. Since the woman is on the receiving end of facials, anal sex and deepthroating, it is ultimately her decision...just as it is for a man with regards to his own limitations. There will always be absolutes, it's a matter of compatibility in respect to those things that can't be compromised...or accepted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:41pm
I agree with you free. As I said I have no problem with the double standard, I was just pointing out its existance in this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 4:34pm
I'm no expert on details or comparisons, but quite honestly, men really do have double standards like women do, I just feel its MUCH more communicated from the women side though, which makes it seem like they do more than we do.

Its okay for men to "look" sorta speak because we're visual creatures, but what happens when women "look"...right? Besides, unless women are like dogs that sniff each other's butts, I believe women are ALSO visual, we're all human and our sex drives are visual/psychological anything else if I'm not mistaken. I'm no scientist, but correct me, anyone, if my common logic on this is in error.

Ya know what is REALLY interesting though? All across the internet we read how men don't know their women because of the fake orgasms, hidden emotions, unsatisfied in bed, etc. So far so good? Okay. Here's the kicker, who said that women truly know their MEN??!! WHO SAID THAT??!! THINK about it, male message boards that I've read constantly complain about how proud the women are of their men for not watching porn or not fantasizing about this or not desiring such and such, yet those very men are all as ordinary as we are right here! Those men were complaining that they DO desire certain things but are too fearful of losing that pedestal stature by revealing their TRUE needs/wants from their women. So here's this female message board, yours truly of course, that has no shame at all for saying men don't know their women, buuuuuut....

Anyway, I think its important to remember the core point of this string. I don't think ANYone should feel that they "have to" become better for the spouse, but doing so, in some of our marriages anyway, is such a sign of respect/desire/love for that spouse if done with those intents...especially as opposed to feeling pressured to do it.

BIG difference between reading/learning to have longer lasting erections compared to getting surgery. BIG difference between gagging your eyeballs out to deepthroat compared to simply learning how to caress that extremely sensitive tip beyond his wildest imagination. THAT is my idea of learning to be better...as compared to learning to be perfect.

Also, I completely see a big difference between a man who is fantastically experienced with cunnilingus who 'chooses not to do it' compared to a man who knows nothing about it but chooses to learn and learn and learn. I see a big difference between a woman with no gag reflex who chooses to never deepthroat compared to a woman who's never done it but is sooo excited to learn it for her guy just to experience the thrill of is convulsive reactions.

There's a difference between a man who can naturally last longer than the woman during intercourse who chooses to hurry up for his own pleasure compared to one who loses control too quickly but reads and learns anyway in order to please his spouse more.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE HEARD WOMEN SAY ITS NOT WHAT YOU HAVE BUT ITS "HOW YOU USE IT"???? Isn't "how you use it" partially the result of learning to be better for her??!!

Again, PLEASE correct me if I'm mistaken anybody, cause my wife & I are here more to learn, we're not qualified to teach. ;)

Anyway, I still say that learning to be better or trying to please the spouse more is NOT a chore, it is NOT a job or a task, but its another and many times more pleasurable part of expressing that ---selfless--- love for the spouse. Not every marriage should be like that, but then again, we're all entitled to our opinions. Just like many of you, the Mrs. & I are MUCH thankful for what we have and how we selflessly, yet respectfully & lovingly, treat each other and please other. I have the power of choice to please her my way or her way, and I have NO question that she loves my choices. RAOFL!!!!

hubby

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 7:24pm
Interesting ... never timed it but I am absolutely certain it usually takes me in the range of 15-20 minutes. In 3-5 minutes you're barely getting to know the person, plus good heavens I don't see how most women would be done orgasming in just a few minutes! This is really interesting, I have -never- timed it -- the whole thing, between foreplay and the grand finale, has gotta take 30-45 minutes or so ... maybe longer if the tank's full and I can give it another go; I noted with amusement that an entire episode of _The Sopranos_ went by recently and I didn't hear a word. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:45pm
The original question asked about the duration of intercourse. My husband has never had intercourse for longer than 15 minutes without orgasming, so I haven't had intercourse for longer than 15 minutes. However we do stop and go and change positions which increases the duration of the experience. We will also slow down and reduce the depth of penetration which will prolong the experience. I felt the question specifically asked once intercourse has started and there are no changes to it, how long does it last until orgasm. I wasn't counting in foreplay nor the times we change positions or prolong the entire sexual experience in my time limit from intercourse to orgasm. Does that clarify my response?

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:09pm
Before coming to these boards I never really thought about the goals of sex. But upon reflection, I'm not sure my priority goal is to please him, although I do think his priority goal is to please me. I'm willing to do just about anything sexual he wants to do. I'm also the one who tends to try new things. But if truth be known, I'm hoping he will be pleased with whatever I find pleasurable, lol. My husband decides when and how we will have sex. His libido is lower than mine, darn it. I want him to find pleasure in whatever we do. I don't want to do any sex act that makes him uncomfortable. Until recently he never performed oral sex on me. I have always suspected that he didn't care for it. He tends to want to clean up immediately after sex, so I thought perhaps oral sex which involved body fluids getting in his mouth was unappealing to him. I never have cared that he didn't do oral sex. I would do oral sex on him because I like it and he seems to at least not hate it, lol. I figure we all hold a few veto cards when it comes to sex acts. I haven't actually had to play one myself, but there are some things that I have read about that I would veto. I've been satisfied with the sex acts we do together. Your post makes me wonder if I would be perceived as selfish in regards to my husband's sexual pleasure. I'll do most anything at anytime. But I want to be sexually satisfied while I'm doing it. His pleasure is a goal but my priority is my own pleasure. I think my pleasure is his priority goal and his pleasure may not even make the top ten list. Perhaps this is why he has a lower libido than I do, lol?

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 4:37pm
hi Robin....i believe most lovers desire to please their partner AND to derive sexual pleasure and satisfaction for themselves as well...so you sound perfectly "normal" to me :)...i do notice many of the men who post on these boards often seem to put a bit of an excessive spin on their focus on the females being pleasured...sure, i bet most men (like most women) love to please their mate!...i'm sure most all of us find it arousing to watch our lovers squirm in sexual heaven...but i do wonder too if its a become sorta "politically correct" for males to drone on and on and on about "i ONLY focus on her orgasms..."....surely most men want to orgasm too LOL...so i get the slight feeling that maybe some male posters realize it sounds good to always proclaim "its my goal to have my woman orgasm lots and my pleasure is 2nd"...i know for *me* i adore to know my man is aroused and turned on and eager to feel pleasure too...i want my man to be a sexual animal in bed, one who lusts and who is driven by his pleasure too....my point is, i think what you posted sounds more reasonable and human...that you desire to be pleased AND pleasing...i get a bit of a red flag and a tad suspicious when i read soo many male posts that, seem to me, to be bragging and trying to convince the board they are selfless lovers...i don't want a selfless lover...i want a generous lover for sure, but i want him to be driven by lust too....if i wanted a sexlife that was all about my pleasure and my orgasms i might be better suited to a vibrator...i prefer a living/breathing/lustful man, as soo many of the male posters here proclaim, us women too are turned on to bring our man pleasure and to rock his world as well...the thought of a man focusing mainly on my pleasure, well....hmmmm....yawn....boring.....i prefer an animal in bed and a man who awakens the animal in me :)

honey