during sex.. HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
during sex.. HELP
17
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:25pm

me & my boyfriend of 2 years..are experiancing an issue thats been going on lately. (past 4 times weve had sex) during sex..its just boring after he cant get "it" up anymore. (in the beginning) sex is great & he`s rock hard and we enjoy it together. im usually ALWAYS on top. and we do good about switching into diff. positions together. but when i am on top (after about 10-15 mins of sex) and he pulls out he gets soft very very quickly. i dont even think he has an orgasm unless he does and i not know it. then he just gets tired, lazy & gets an attitude with me. when im 100% aroused and ready for another round.. so its like.. boring (im laying there waiting for him) and he doesnt move. then all i want to do is get up and leave, but at the same time i dont because i love him..but he wont tell me anything thats wrong he just shows it..but then once im ready to leave he grabs me & kisses me and tells me he loves me & doesnt want me to leave.. im like.. "what?" i dont understand him. sounds like more other issues huh...? but im mostly concerned about our sex life thats making me want to not have sex with him anymore, or 'cheat' i dont want too.. i really dont & never have but i have needs and ive never had an orgasm or really a good outcome of sex with him.
its so hard...& i love him very very very much.

what should i do..say???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:46pm

Welcome to the board stormi_love.

What are you doing to help him maintain (or obtain) his erection? If you're just waiting for it to happen, it probably won't.

Have you tried talking with him outside of the bedroom? Having Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is certainly not a picnic for him, and is likely causing him a lot of concerns and embarrassment. If you let him know you're willing to help, there's a chance you can move past this

Having problems with ED can be a sign of serious medical problems. Since this is happening frequently, the first step is for him to schedule an appointment with his doctor.

Here's some information that might help you understand the causes of ED:

How Stuff Works: Erectile Dysfunction
http://health.howstuffworks.com/how-erectile-dysfunction-works2.htm

Wikipedia: Erectile Dysfunction
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erectile_dysfunction

Net Doctor: Impotence
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/impotence.htm

Medicine Net: Causes of Impotence
http://www.medicinenet.com/impotence_ed/page2.htm#cause

Mayo Clinic: Erectile Dysfunction
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/DS00162/DSECTION=3

iVillage Total Health: Erectile Dysfunction Affects 18 Million US Men
http://health.ivillage.com/di/dinews/0,,wbnews_b6skrsst,00.html



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 3:02pm
thank you for the info.. i hope its really not all about that. were both only 20 years old. also.. no, we have never talked about that specific problem, its just kind of weird to talk about it & im sure he wouldnt want to either.
but im going to find my best to bring it up somehow.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 3:54pm

ED can be brought on by physical (medical) reasons, but it can also be brought on by psychological causes. Chances do increase with age, but that is only for medical reasons. If he's feeling pressured to perform, experiencing stress at work and/or home, having problems with depression, or a host of other things, then he can suffer problems with ED.

If you talk with him, you might want to have some of those articles handy. Often, it's difficult for guys to admit (even to themselves) that they are having difficulties. Also, be sure to talk outside of the bedroom, and try to be supportive of him. Even though this is frustrating you too, the more he see's that, the more likely it will cause additional problems.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 4:45pm

Couple of questions for you. May help clarify some things for those who want to help.

I know you say he has been your boyfriend for 2 years but how long have you actually been sleeping with him? I ask that because you state this at the end of your post:

*ive never had an orgasm or really a good outcome of sex with him.*

Therefore I am assuming that your sex life with him is new? If you have been sleeping with him for 2 years and never had an orgasm you both need a little advice for sure!

You also say that he lasts 10-15 minutes hard when you are on top. Have you asked him if he has actually orgasmed? 10-15 minutes isn't a real short time for a lot of men (unfortunately). It doesn't really sound like he has an ED problem.

Maybe tell us a little more. Would be glad to help if the situation is understood!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 5:35pm

i dont know..maybe he does feel pressured. because i seem to want sex a 'little' bit more than him (usually its late, so that could be why hes always "tired").. but its only because im anxious & aroused around 10_11 pm at night.) hes more calm & laid back about it.
weve been dating for 2 years, yes. weve only had sex about 5 times.. we jus started having sex last month.
but our relationship wasnt about sex until i started living with him & we started sleeping together, eventually..comes sex. lol.

i think im just over exxagerating because our sex life is still new..
and no i havent asked him if he has had an orgasm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:09pm

I would bet that after an extended time of being rock hard, and then him getting soft and sleepy, that he is having an orgasm without you knowing it. Are you using condoms? If so, there really wouldn't be any "evidence" left behind, so to speak. If you are not using condoms, you would expect to have some semen left in you, that may dribble out.

Since sex is such a new thing with you and your boyfriend, both of you have lots and lots of learning to do about yourselves and each other. Stick around on these boards for awhile, and believe me, you will learn a lot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:41pm

we aways wear a condom...but now that i think about it. i think he does have an orgasm
without me knowing..if he does he keeps it silent. im going to ask him though.

i just get so frustrated, sexually and i know he can see it.. we just need to talk about it more & i think we will be okay. our relationship other than sex is really good. im just not "sexually" satisfied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 9:12pm

I think you really need to give it a little more time…..5 times is certainly not enough to make or break a relationship, especially if you are both inexperienced.

I certainly wouldn’t think he has a problem, 10 -15 minutes sure doesn’t sound as if he had erectile dysfunction. He probably needs to learn to be more considerate to your needs, by this I'm not suggesting he is being selfish, I think he just needs to learn more self control. Self control comes through more experience and knowing each others sexual response systems.

Also, try experimenting with different positions, perhaps you on top is too arousing for him; it is a very visual position, hence he can’t control his arousal to keep up with your needs. It is not abnormal for him not to be ready for round 2 immediately; many men savour the moment and just want to relax afterwards…

Remember, intercourse/penetration doesn’t always lead to orgasm; you both need to be aware of and experiment with other techniques that will get you there. Like for example, Oral stimulation and hand techniques. Make sure you include these in foreplay and after play.

Your sexual experience does not begin and end with intercourse, nor does any sexual experience resemble the movies where everything is perfect. Both verbal interaction and physical experience with each other leads to perfection.

Always keep in mind that you need to communicate; Sexual communication; discussing your expectations, wants and desires is essential in maintaining a healthy and mutually responsive relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 10:20pm

I'm really glad Tami asked those questions. Since you have only had sex 5 times, that makes a huge difference in the situation. Here's a website you both might benefit from, www.the-clitoris.com. It has a lot of information about female sexual response.

It sounds like the two of you may need to spend more time on foreplay and try out some different positions. If he does ejaculate, it's most likely that he will loose his erection. You can help him have another orgasm, but you will probably have to wait a few minutes.

When sex is new to both people, it takes a while to learn what works for each of you. Lasting 10-15 minutes is great for him at this stage, and he can learn to last longer. Most women don't have orgasms from penetration alone, so the two of you can try for your orgasm prior to intercourse. Then, if you have another one during intercourse, that's great too! Just remember that women don't always have an orgasm, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.

Also, have you had orgasms during masturbation? If you haven't, then it's going to take you longer to get there.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 7:17am

Since it seems like you enjoy WOT (woman on top) it sounds like with a little more stimulation AND the right technique with you on top (grinding rather than up and down), you should be able to orgasm. But since we don't know a lot about you its hard to tell for sure.

Browse the boards for sure! There is a LOT of great information here!

Good luck!

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