Embarrassed by Porn?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Embarrassed by Porn?!
8
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 4:38pm
So here is a little background. My bf and I enjoying adult movies, porn, internet porn, etc. I look at porn w/ him knowing that I do that, sometimes he'll look at porn while i'm sitting in the same room too. It doesn't bother me, nor does it bother him.
Recently I've started noticing that he looks at porn by himself (which is TOTALLY FINE w/ me and he knows it) and he erases all the browsing history, all the cookies.... so basically he does not want me to find out that he looks at porn alone. I don't understand why he needs to be hiding from me... so i confronted him by asking him why he hides that he looks at porn by himself?
And he said that he is EMBARRASSED when he looks at porn by himself, so he doesn't want me to know.
What the heck???? I don't care if he looks at porn, i'm very open minded. Why does he feel guilty and embarrassed?
I'm just so puzzled by this.... and he doens't know either why he feels embarrassed.
If anyone has any suggestion... I would love to hear them!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 5:26pm

Wow,

You actually try to track down his porn habits by sneaking around behind him checking cookies and browser history. That's very interesting. I'd be more worried about that issue than what he is looking at privately.
Why don't you just ASK him what he is looking at and give him the privacy. Seems easier than computer espionage, lol.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:17pm
i have a similar, though not identical issue. my bf will watch porn when i am not there, and admits to it if asked, but refuses to watch it with me even though i would like to watch it together and don't mind when he watches it on his own. maybe it's an ingrained embarassment with sexuality or sexually explicit content or in your bf's case it may be embarrasment associated with solo sexuality. i would give him the space as long as you don't feel it is interfering with your sex life. i also think some guys have concern that their girlfriends will feel inadequate/insecure if the type of porn he is looking at includes body types that are different from her (i.e. big boobs if gf has small ones or blondes if gf is a brunette, etc.), so by keeping it private it avoids the possibility of hurt feelings and potential problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 6:58pm

well his response was that that's the way he was brought up, things like that were looked down upon on.
And he is also embarrased of mastrubation.... I don't know.. i'm just so open minded about everything that it's a little shocking to me.
I asked him if he thinks it would hurt my feelings that he watches some type of porn? and he said that it has nothing to do w/ that.... that he's just embarrassed.

And about checking history/cookies... w/ I always go back into history to bring up my OLD links that i browsed through, so i wasn't intentionally checking up on him. The files that he looked at were downloaded onto the desktop and he failed to notice....

Men are wierd sometimes.. hehe

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:56am

i think what we are both encountering has to do with gender expectations. it is socially expected as more normative for men to be sexually open-minded and pushing the boundaries and the woman resisting or placing some boundaries, so it is a bit confusing when it is reversed. your bf's reasoning isn't off the wall, it makes sense especially if he had a religious or conservative upbringing. i think you shouldn't make a big deal of it. his watching porn doesn't seem like a big deal to you because you probably had a different upbringing or may be more open-minded about sexuality. years of being told masturbation or porn is bad is bound to have some effect even if it seems unreasonable to you.

his behavior seems harmless to me. sometimes framing something as naughty makes it more exciting. maybe he's subconsciously holding on to the naughtiness of what he is doing even though you are ok with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:20am

For a lot of men, Masturbation is an embarrassing, personal and private thing. Considering how good you said your sexlife is, it's probably nothing more than that and certainly nothing to worry yourself over.

It's when one partner is unwilling to be intimate with another because they're too busy with porn or whatever is when there's cause to worry.

 

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:44am

Maybe he feels embarrassed because he feels that you are monitoring his activity, even though you say you aren't, it may FEEL that way to him. He doesn't want to have to explain why he's looking at porn alone or why he's choosing certain types, etc. Perhaps being confronted embarrassed him, not the looking at porn by himself.

ALL of us need private time to have our own thoughts, pursue hobbies, masturbate, etc. without feeling obligated to share it with our partner or spouse. We ALL need our space.

IF you're truly okay with him using porn, then the best way to prove that is to drop the subject and let him have his space.




Edited 4/5/2006 10:19 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:17am

He feels embarrassed by you knowing because that's the way he is.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:31am
this is the first/last time i've confronted him about something like this... i just wanted to know why he has to hide...
thank you for all your responses, perfectly proves his explanation :-)
Thanks guys!